Weird mix of feelings.
This weekend is Thanksgiving in Canada. DH and I are hosting my family for dinner on Saturday. DH's sister is hosting dinner for their family as well. And we haven't been invited . This is a first and I'm thrilled about it. It means there's no decision for us to make and no guilt or second thoughts about that decision. It means a peaceful gathering with my extended family without the backdrop of DH's family drama.
But DH is sad about it. The last time he communicated with his family (his uncle), he said he just wanted everyone to leave him alone. So I guess they are. But they're doing it in a shitty way. If I were in their shoes, I would have told him where TG dinner was going to be this year (they take turns in his family) amd make it clear that he is wanted there and will be missed, but also put zero pressure on him to attend Nd and let him know I understood why he wouldn't be there. Their toxic way of handling this is "you want to be left alone? Okay f-you". He's slowly coming to terms with who they are, but it's really hard to watch.
Quick update on engagement party fall out: both DH and I gave statements to police about his ex's behaviour and we were told that she would be contacted and "cautioned" on criminal harrassment and lying to police. I'm waiting for a copy of the police report for more specifics.
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While I understand your DH
While I understand your DH being sad he did ask for them to leave him alone and they are complying. I mean are they supposed to extend the invitation knowing most of them are blocked, just so he can respond with, “what part of leaving me alone don’t you understand?” While his feelings are valid he does need to address and accept that they are complying with his own wishes, and if that upsets him then he needs to consider if he truly wants to be left alone, or if he wants the ability to pick and choose how he is involved with the family.
They sent the cops to his
They sent the cops to his house as punishment for skipping a party. He told them to leave him alone, and they did. It's a win as far as i'm concerned. But, if he's going to hem and haw and be sad about it, maybe he needs to do some soul-searching and make a decision. Then own his choice. I'm sick of these weak men who let their wives and exes and kids fight it out while they wring their hands and feel special. If he had taken any control at all of the situation in the past and set boundaries, BM would not have felt empowered to do what she did. IMO.
I agree that DH has dropped
I agree that DH has dropped the ball with his family in the past. And I agree that he can't be surprised by their behaviour now. But that doesn't mean he can't be sad about it. I've never regretted my decision to leave my forst marriage, but that doesn't mean that I didn't curl up and cry in the process. I think it's reasonable for him to be sad. And I think his family's response (or lack thereof) was to be expected. My point about how I would have handled it (by letting the person know that I understand that they need space and that I'm here when there ready) is just that. It's how I would handled it.
Well of course he is allowed
Well of course he is allowed to be sad, and ideally it would be nice for them to address this and “leave the door open” so to speak, but it’s obvious these are not the kind of people who do that. He should look into what his grief really means, is he sad because of what he thought he lost, or is he sad because he’s realizing what he never had.
I understand him being sad
I understand him being sad and I understand your feelings of needing to defend him. I don't want you to feel like you have to defend him here, too. I think maybe the victim/defender thing is a pattern you guys have fallen into. It's weird that BM also seems to feel a need to defend him. Calling the cops was ridiculous, though. Did she think you had him chained to the floor? I don't mean to sound harsh, but reading all that you have been through makes me mad. Mad for you, that you are being treated the way you are by his family. I hope your DH feels half as protective toward you as you do toward him.
I appreciate you saying that.
I appreciate you saying that. I come to this site because I worry about burning my friends and family out with all of this drama. I have many supportive people in my life but it can't be all about me and about this all the time. But I'm ambivalent about this site because when I blog, I'm looking for people who can relate to what I'm saying. People who will understand how complicated and multilayered these issues are. And, instead, I often (not always) feel like my actions are criticized and my intentions are being challenged.
I do just want to chime in
I do just want to chime in because I think you may be thinking about some of my comments. I don't doubt that your intentions have been honorable in your attempts to protect your husband and defend your relationship.
And.. yes step life can be very complex.. and easy to say and do things that end up not improving the situation (as you, yourself said about your message to your SIL.. you said that you probably messed up.. it's easy to mess up in a mine field).
So cautioning about potential blow back.. encouraging paths that have our spouses step up.. stepping back and not participating.. are all meant as helpful and ways that you could make your life nicer.. easier.. simpler. That is the intent.. and hope that we can all learn from our experiences.. and learn how to live our lives in the most drama free way. for you that would mean less contact with his family for you...let your DH deal with them if and when he wants to.. because they clearly are misinterpreting so much of what you have tried to do... which actualy has not 100 percent worked in your favor. But.. sometimes there are no good solutions.. so you do what you think is best.. and hope for the best.
Personally.. I would rather not knock myself out trying to "help".. when the likelihood of it working out is so low.. I would put my energies in other directions.. and hopefully enjoy a more peaceful life..
I'm sorry your DH is sad.. and I hope he does not come to the point where he puts estrangement on your shoulders.. because that often happens to partners like us.. we get blamed for their estrangement from their family.. despite all attempts to actually help. I'm not saying it IS your fault.. clearly he has his own issues and ones with his family.. but sometimes people look for a scapegoat.. and right now.. unfortunately.. you could end up in that spot..even though he welcomed your assistance. (that's why advice to back off is really hoping to help you..lol).
Thank you ESMOD. I have
Thank you ESMOD. I have definitely become the family scapegoat but not my DH's (although I understand how that can happen and it's a fear I've often voiced in our marriage therapy). Interstingly, DH has scapegoated an aunt who has been particularly nasty and I caution him against focusing on her and letting the rest of the family off the hook. He so wants to believe that his family isn't capable of everything they've done, but he also knows that there's no denying facts.
I'm fully detached from the family, and have been since March. The only one I was still attempting to have a relationship with was SS and that was because he was making an effort (in a very Eddie Haskle way mind you). As predicted, he directed his engagement party anger at me and accused DH of choosing me over him. DH, finally, acknowledged that he did and does choose me over everyone else, just as he expects that SS will choose his wife-to-be over everyone else, and just as SD chose her husband (which is what started this whole mess, and which has been supported by the whole family). SS didn't like hearing that message, but he's heard it. I've not reached out to SS at all and I don't intend to. He knows where to find me. I don't know what the future holds for DH and his kids but I wholeheartedly agree that there his relationships to navigate, not mine.
I admit I've put a lot of effort into "fixing" things and my heart has been broken by my "fall from grace" with my SKs and DH's extended family. But I can honestly say that I'm not holding onto hope for a change, nor do I want one anymore.
A "be careful what you wish for" cautionary tail.
Though he did the right thing IMHO. He needs to know that his absence will be far more impactful on that gathering than it will be on him.
Their crap and his absence will be the 5000Lb gorilla in the room whether they want to admit it or not.
Enjoy your TG without their drama. I hope that DH will enjoy the drama free holiday as well.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Another Facet of StepHell
I fully understand your DH being sad. I know my DH often has his "sad" times. He is still in relation with his kids but very strained as I never go with him to visit, I don't ask about his kids, and only ask that he tell me anything from them that will impact me. I know DH wishes it could be different but it can't....and for that, he has his sad times. Heck, I have my own "sad" times as I really wished things could have been different. I stand on confidence though; I did everything I could to make things "good" including going to counseling with the BM and the adult daughter. Nothing works with these people except bowing down to all their demands.
Sending you a virtual hug.
Thank you CajunMom. So
Thank you CajunMom. So impressed fhat you went to counseling with.BM and SD. I appreciate your perspective. I imagine my DH's estrangement from his daughter will be a source of sadness for years to come. That makes my heart break for him and, like you, it hurts my own heart because I really did think we had a great blended family. Part of it is the shame because the rest of the world looks at us and thinks "what kind of person doesn't have a relationship with their own kids?" My DH is currently reading "Done with the Crying" and between that and the therapy, he's realizing that being estranged from your children is much more common than people realize. Doesn't take away the sadness, but it does help alleviate the guilt/shame.
I tend to oversimplify many others seem to overcomplicate.
Both can be a problem if not dealt with effectively.
For me wallowing in regret and over delving into sadness is counter to living well and solving problems.
I care deeply, I hurt deeply, but I also do not allow myself to wallow. Wallowing is baffling to me as to why I or anyone would embrace misery rather than address it and move on as quickly as is practicable.
The do-over is an integral part of how I avoid forcing misery onto myself. I engage in the failure, learn from it, adjust, and move on. One think I have a particularly well developed ability to do is learn from my own experiences and mistakes. I also have the blessing of being able to often learn from the experiences and mistakes of others. Thus, I can tend to avoid many issues or at least minimize them in my life.
What I do not do is allow others to drag me into their misery. If those people are people that I care about, I also do not let their own self wallowing go unchallenged. Their wallowing in misery, is detrimental to them, and to me. So, I give them a hug, then start playing the knock it off and get on with life messages which I escalate until they stop invading their life and mine with their misery.
Sometimes this can get a little dicey as my concern and engagement on the misery inducing topic and my limited tolerance for wallowing runs out. This state, either from myself, or from them, can move the discussion into uncomfortable territory.
Occassionally, I just have to move myself past their misery, and let them wallow in it, when they are not around me. When a situation gets to this point, I have to play the "If you choose to remain miserable on this, please do not mention it to me." card. If they will not do something about it, that is on them.
"Part of it is the shame
"Part of it is the shame because the rest of the world looks at us and thinks "what kind of person doesn't have a relationship with their own kids?"
Very well said!!! I also have heard and read so many times people saying that once a man remarries, he cares only about his new family and forgets about his children from previous marriage. And how it all falls on that angel - the unfortunate ex wife. All that followed by the constant "poor victim children" at the end of that concept.
The world does not understand and never will. The world will keep shaming these poor men and their wives.
It's so frustrating because
It's so frustrating because so many of us stepmothers have tried so hard to make sure the SKs don't feel left behind. My MIL used to sing my praises to anyone who would listen because I was such a great stepmother and was so good to her grandkids. After 10 years of that, It took her about 60 minutes to turn on me. And turn on my children. Which is the part that cements my complete detachment from her and the rest of them.
Good riddance to them.
For both yourself and your kids. You and your kids do not need them.
Write off the toxic.
They have no place in the lives of quality people.