But he is the problem!!!!!!!
I have been with my partner for 5 years. His wife had died 12 months before I even met him. He swept me off my feet for the first 6 months then asked me to on a romantic holiday with him to Rome. I thought it was all too good to be true and yes you guesed it - it was all too good to be true.
We had previously moved into a new place, a new fresh start for him after losing his wife of 30 yrs+ there was nothing in this house except some furniture and a few basic necessities. We were going to go on our first holiday to Rome then come back and start to do the house up.
We get back from our holiday and the 35 yr old daughter of my partner had been into the house while we had been away and brought a picture of his wife into the nearly empty property and placed it in the kitchen window.
I walked out.
The daughter phones me that evening and says that she had brought the picture in for his grandson (who was 4 years old and even not tall enought to even see the picture!).....
Five years on and we have argued constantly about her behaviour. If we have private time together she phones to see what we are doing. If we are having breakfast she phones to see what we are eating. If I criticise in any way he blows his top and in the past has literally thrown me out of his house!!
He will not back me at all and he refuses to see her manipulation. She even told him that she had possible breast cancer as she had found a lump. Needless to say there was no lump and no cancer. What type of female does this? She complains that she does not see him enough (because of me)but when we have our family Christmases (which are awful) she disappears early to go to the neighbours party!
I feel petty and feeble writing this stuff and on paper it looks all rather pathetic, but living with it day after day is pretty nasty!! How do you all cope - Im not even married to the guy!!!!
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Comments
His daughter is definately
His daughter is definately trying to show you that you are SIMPLY TEMPORARY.
Shame on her for the picture incident! I would be pssd too!
What you should do is have a photo taken of you and your sweetie and put it in a bigger frame and place it right next to the one she gave him.
haha!
Thanks for your reply. I
Thanks for your reply. I tried having a photo of us both. It lasted a while in the kitchen window but it has now been removed and I havent bothered since!! He has now filled the entire kitchen with pictures of his grandson!!!!
I think I am losing the battle sometimes, but then it all starts to spring back to life. There is not a lot I can do about the daughter I just find it difficult to cope with sometimes and I lose all my strength.....Unless he shows her that I am really important to him then she will always have the upper hand!!!
You need to leave this
You need to leave this situation that you have endured for 5 years - you are not petty or feeble your hubby is - get out if you can!
We have just had a spilt of 6
We have just had a spilt of 6 months now he wants to go away for a weekend I am not sure any more....
If you can I would let him go
If you can I would let him go away and then when he comes back you be gone but not for a weekend it will be forever - you deserve to be happy you have one life and if you can financially get away from him then do it for yourself. There have been a few posters on here who left their SO's and say the freedom is so great - it won't be easy but in the long run you will be much happier.
He wants me to go away with
He wants me to go away with him.....
Sweetie he is not going to
Sweetie he is not going to change and unless you are younger than his daughter she will probably outlive you so you have two choices - stay and be miserable or leave and get a new lease on life - your choice!
Thank you for your advice.
Thank you for your advice. Deep down I know you are right I guess I just wanted it all to work out and we both 'live happily ever after'
What puzzles me is that he cant be that happy either - so why persist with me? Yet he will come and dig my garden, help with the DIY, sort out my car etc etc.. I just dont get it.
He just has his priorities
He just has his priorities goofed up.... maybe your absence will give him time to really think about what is really important to him.
I would suggest you NOT go away with him this time..... have a little time out.... and really decide what you want.
Best of luck... I'll be thinking of you.
There is something about him
There is something about him you must love, but if you are miserable, be with him but don't live with him. At least do a trial separation and tell him it is to save your relationship, not to break it. When you have time alone, you will make the right decision.
May I suggest that you take
May I suggest that you take the pictures down when she is not there and put them back up again AFTER she arrives, say something along the lines of ''I know you like those pictures there and I meant to put them back up before you arrived'. Demonstrate that you 'take care' of the pictures when she's gone and then she might just decide that it's not worth it to persist? It's half 'n' half in my saucer, give and take, not full cream !! Prrrrrrr Prrrrrr
do you have a dog? cuz that
do you have a dog? cuz that would be a shame if some how it got a hold of the pictures and just being the dog that his/she is OOps chewed the pics up.
It's not feeble! Read more of
It's not feeble! Read more of the blogs about SDs on this site. A common thread seems to be that teenaged or "adult" SDs (and I use the term adult loosely here) seem to feel entitled to behave more as a wife than as a daughter. They behave territorially towards the stepmom and seem to have to turn everything into a pissing contest.
My SDs aren't old enough to do this yet, but I have one that I'm pretty sure is going to be a problem later, which I'm completely prepared to squash by any means necessary.
Don't blame this crap on yourself. The picture incident is one thing, but him not backing you up is inexcusable.
Thank you all for taking the
Thank you all for taking the time to help me through this, I wish I had joined this site sooner!!!
Guess what - think I will get a dog!!!!
Thanks again
You are neither petty, nor
You are neither petty, nor feeble. You are a Sparent to a manipulative woman. Your SO needs to take a grab between his legs, give the sack a squeeze and man up with his daughter to let her know that she will always be his daughter but that she is interfering in his life with you. He also needs to tell her never to put him in the position to have to choose between you and her.
Time to give him the clarity of a come to Jesus meeting on this. One call a day is plenty. Any more than that is her manipulating him.
I usually call my parents every day. If they don't answer, I don't call them again until the next day or so. If they are on vacation or have house guests I leave them alone. My brother calls them regularly also. We stay at their home whenever we are in town but we always ask and we never mess with their stuff. Even the stuff that we grew up with.
IMHO of course.
Good luck and best regards,
Thank you for your sound
Thank you for your sound advice. SO has told me in the past that he "doesnt want to lose her" this is a reaction to the loss (death) of his wife I feel, therefore I think he over compensates. For example, she has now been made director of his company, she works three days a week but is given a corporate salary however, her role in the company is not what you would describe as dynamic. Daddy has has provided funds so that she now has a huge house in a desirable area, her child has private education, holidays three/four times per year, prestige motor cars and she is now, in a subtle manner, trying to get daddy to buy a property abroad in a desirable area.
I hope this does not come across as jealousy but how much does this woman want?!!
Doesn't sound like jealousy
Doesn't sound like jealousy at all, it sounds like someone needing to be the primary in her very own relationship. You have EVERY right to demand this and don't you dare feel otherwise. I'd also venture a guess that you are also forced in competing w/the perfect wife ghost? No disrespect to the deceased intended, but that is what it sounds like with that picture incident to me?
You are right on all
You are right on all counts.
I have been forced to complete from very early on.
I used to think that he had not got over losing her, and he was still grieving so I put it all to one side until he managed things better but we still have the family divide and its down to him really. Im like a dog with a bone I keep on chewing hoping to get to the fat and find out what Ive been really dealing with, what the real issues are. But yes, POWs got through it so shall we.
You are in America right?
Its quite a thought that we are all going through this across both sides of the Atlantic.
If we apply these scenarios to the bigger picture across the globe its no wonder that there is so much unrest in the world. If we cant get the nuclear family balanced; with some respect between parties what chance do we have on a national level? It doesn't bear thinking about!!
Rosie, I feel really bad for
Rosie, I feel really bad for you. Especially having to TRY to compete w/a perfect ghost. It's hard enough with the live ex's, let alone ghosts. Once they pass away the actual person tends to get that much more glamourized.
One thing I do feel good for you about is that you said you have taken a separation. You said that he wants to go away w/you and that you are not sure what to do anymore?
IMHO: With you being separated right now gives you an real chance to fix the SD problem. This is where you get to say...."NO, I'm sorry I don't want to go away with you at all because these are the things that simply aren't working for me", then list them out. For me, the top priority to get squared away would be....I will not go away with you, come back to your house or even consider a further relationship with you until the following things are agreed to:
-SD can call once per day, I love Rags' advice on this.
-Your "couple/alone" time is exactly that, "yours". The phone should not be answered if you are spending your quality time together, or even workout a time that you wouldn't mind daily and everybody wins. I think you would be less resentful that way.
-SD can go put pictures up or take them down anywhere she wants.....in her OWN house. The grandkid is welcome to "see" any pictures that your SO, SD or anyone else thinks that they need to see in their OWN space.
How horrible it would be to live in a home that you are still a visitor in after living there for 5 years?? I would DEMAND the respect that goes with the SO position, or I would move on. Either way, I would consider myself to be better off than what you are feeling now, right?
Its happening all over the
Its happening all over the world. for the past 3 months I have organised my life to NOT be here every second weekend when my partners obnoxious 16year old son comes to visit, prev in feb of this year I had told him (SS) and partner that I would no longer accept abuse from him, and that i would no longer have anything to do with him. He then stepped up bad behaviour by telling partners family (who unfortunately all live locally) lies about things i said or did, or that my partner did. They believed him and it became the biggest mess you have every seen!!! So during the summer I became severely depressed and afraid to go down town in the place we live because the bad feelings and the fear I might run into the extended family. This is a family that I have been part of for over 4 years, and have done a huge amount for.
So this weekend, I'm ill with a cold, have some work I need to do and came home early on the sunday, and am working in my study ever since. I did wonder what his reaction would be, and warned my partner to expect some some of bad behaviour, but as it is usually passive aggressive stuff, its very hard to quantify.
Sure enough, I just went into the loo and faced a unflushed dirty loo! This was a major problem back in february, filty unflushed loos and trashed bathrooms.
Apparently this has not happened in the 3 months I have been avoiding the house on these weekends. Partly the reason I came back early was because staying away wasn't working, as his behaviour was getting worse... ie. came home drunk 4 weeks ago-).
So the passive aggressive behaviour is starting again. I have moved on from the depression place I was in, and am now in a hugely angry place. I will not take that out on him, because I refuse to give him any excuse to blame me for anything.
Have an essay to write on aggression, am going to use it to learn all about all passive aggresive behaviour, and use it to predict for my own entertainment, what he is going to do next...
Only another 4 hours and he'll be gone... Mmm, what else can he get up to? its unlikely he'll challenge me face to face, its going to more passive aggressive stuff. Prob leaving a mess in the kitchen...
Thanks for the space to rant, so much appreciated.