Advice Needed From Those Who Have Been In This Situation...
okay.
Been awhile since I posted.
First & foremost, I am SO HAPPY THE SUMMER IS DONE! SD11 is going back to school. YUS!
I am almost due with DD (coming October 12th). We told BM that we are taking a FULL MONTH to ourselves-- just DH, DD, & myself. Nobody else. She didn't seem to have an issue (or so DH stated she didn't).
But of course we have SD11 for this last week before school starts due to her living 1 hour North with her mother during the school year. SD11 is dropping dumb hints.
1. "Well, mom really needs you & dad to get me every other weekend once school starts..." She knows that DD is going to be here soon & not the only child (This child has some SERIOUS attention issues & she lies about every single thing. Literally everything that comes out of her mouth) (BTW- I HIGHLY doub this is true due to BM being a money hungry POS. BUT on the other hand, it would give BM more of an excuse to go out and sleep with multiple men in one single weekend like she does regardless of her daughter's being home....)
2. BM still has DH listed as only taking care of SD11 only "11% of the entire year" which is COMPELTELY FALSE. However, DH has NO MONEY to take her back to court to get this "taken care of"--- what options do we have?
3. DH (This entire summer...) CANNOT PAY HIS PORTION OF THE BILLS. & it is REALLY bothering me. I was supposed to have my entire credit card paid off before DD is here...but now I won't even be close due to having to cover DH's portion of the mortgage, gas/ electric bills, water bill, etc. Due to his car payment ($500month), child support ($650/month), and working a job that only pays him $20 an hour. I literally told him starting next month (September) I CANNOT help him anymore & that he is going to have to "figure it out" (I already feel like a negligent partner/ spouse telling him he is cut off from my help). But I literally have to focus on my own financial situation. He gets 3 months PAID paternity leave once I go back January 2nd, 2024. I am TIRED of being the bread winner. SD11 expects me to pay for everything for her when I have specifically told her to her face, "You need to ask your mom or dad. I cannot buy this for you."
I am at my wits end....with BOTH of them.
SD11 is a selfish, lying, manipulative little girl who I KNOW is going to try to ruin me & DD's life once she is here. And frankly, I don't want her every other weekend once she is in school. She over-eats & DH ends up spending an entire paycheck just to feed her chubby face. (No offence...but its true.)
BM & DH have again, set this girl up for failure & I do NOT want to be the one to save her.
HELP.
What do I do about DH & his spending? Is it acceptable for me to cut him & SD off financially 100% (Well.....I already cut her off permanently....but her dad)? I feel bad not being able to support him, but I HAVE to put myself & DD FIRST.
Exmaple: we went to an MLB game last night as a family.....DH called me in the afternoon on his lunch asking if I could cover the entire family's meal there because "He has nothing to his name." I was LIVID. He didn't like my response that SD11 could eat at home first instead of asking for 50$ worth of food just for herself & stealing off of everybody else's plate.....SMH.
He is 35 for christs sakes, shouldn't he be taking care of himself?
I AM OVER BEING THE SUGAR MOMMA. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
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Comments
OOF this is a tough one
and I'm interested in the answers here because we have a loopsided earning issue as well that causes problems.
Yes your DH should be taking care of himself & his child for all her expenses when she is there. I don't know how you split household bills but with my ex we used to do a % of the bills based on our income and not 50/50. Or is the issue he is a frivilous spender with no control & you are left to pay for his mis-steps?
He has already filed for
He has already filed for bankruptcy before the age of 31....Long story short, he SUCKS with money. Views money on a credit card as "free game money". I do NOT share this view.
He thinks going on trips & having to take SD11 "out to do something" every time he gets her is mandatory. I told him do free things with her. No response from him there.
So essentially...I am paying for his mis-steps.
I don’t have any advice here
Because I am like a squirrel with my money so this would have never worked for me from the get-go. I'm almost so the extreme opposite I annoy myself. Also, raising a child to appreciate the time spent together vs the money spent on them is really what this kid needs or he is setting up a disaster. At 35, he has to want to change or I believe this is a battle that has no resolve for you. Many are uneducated, unwilling to change or look for a sugar mama to support them. Not sure which he he fits but this just sucks. He could check every single box for you but this one is very difficult to deal with and one that could destroy you financially as well.
I REFUSE to let him ruin me
I REFUSE to let him ruin me financially, which is why, (has harsh as it may sound to some) I am 100% prepared to cut him off permanently.
See a lawyer ASAP
See a lawyer ASAP
For what though?
For what though? (just because I literally don't know what I would need/ use one for)
We don't share any accounts.....he has asked & I have refused.
He is literally just a co-signer on our home too. We wouldn't be in a home if it wasn't for me & my clean record/ credit score.
As your DH
Isn't he entitled to 1/2 of your home if your split? I don't know the rules on that or where you live. Although I have always kept the saying "yes divorce is expensive but sometimes it is worth every penny"
We did talk that if anything
We did talk that if anything did happen to us, he would leave. He states, "The home would be too big of an inconvience because I can't afford it on my own". and that he would happily leave it due to it being easier on him. But, tbh, I wouldn't keep it either if we split. I would sell. We are not tied to this home at all.
See a lawyer to see how to
See a lawyer to see how to protect yourself against any debts he runs up. You are married and are liable for these. Also, what happens to your finances if he declares bankruptcy again ? There are probably other things worth discussing but I'm no expert.
Firsts and foremost.. your
Firsts and foremost.. your husband is not fulfilling his responsibilities to cover his expenses? Right now.. with his child having some visitation.. your living expenses should be divided just a little more than 50/50.. with him paying more since he has his child some. Why did he think he wanted to have another child when he can't afford the one he already had?
What would he do if you left.. and he has TWO child support obligations? (may be a real possibility).
I will gently say that while I get his kid is high needs to you.. I don't think he should be missing his visitation for that first month.. every other weekend.. with maybe skipping the first weekend you are home from the hospital is reasonable.
He should also be handling all the care of his daughter.. and helping you and your new baby.. you will need the help.. he needs to step up.
So.. you are with a low financial provider.. at 35.. do you think he has the chance to change that? is there anything holding him back? addictions? mental challenges (is he stupid).. is he lazy? I mean.. you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.. if he is a doofus menial worker with no prospects of earning more and a poor financial manager.. you really have no hope that he is going to change.. not at his fairly advanced age. If he hasn't been motivated to date.. what do you think will make him do it now? he is happy to sponge off you.. and now he has you "stuck" with a baby on the way.. classic.
I would really be doing a whole lot of soul searching and analysis on the balance of this guy's traits.. because you have painted a pretty bleak picture for your future if you stay with him as described.. a crappy dad.. bad at money.. lives off you.. Hooray?
Oh and the advice from my own
Oh and the advice from my own experience dating a guy that was a total mooch and was into me for about 50,000 and was abusive? finally was able to kick him out.. the abuse situationmade it tough.. especially since it was my home we lived in.. not his.
He had the audacity to say he
He had the audacity to say he wants "one more child" after this one. I told him I can afford ONE CHILD COMFORTABLY & that I have never had to the desire to have more than one myself. His response? "The state can pay for the baby." In which, I found the OPPOSITE of funny.
He isn't stupid, lazy, or suffer from any addictions. He is just careless with money and views life as, "Go with the wind". The complete opposite of what I am. After his 6am-2pm job is done he goes out and does another part time gig until about 10pm. He literally is working all day long for jobs that just don't pay the bills. Worst part? He has his degree and could be doing way more with his life.
We have firmly put our foot down with absolutely NO VISITORS for all family, SD11, and friends once DD is born for an entire month. For our own personal reasons. (We lost our son at 7 days old due to HLHS a year & a half ago.....and his 7 days were full of everyone else holding him, meeting him, etc. This is my baby and I told DH directly that we are going to do this the way we want without anyone else's input affecting us.) Done deal.
I'm sorry for the loss of
I'm sorry for the loss of your first child.. but the cause wasn't having people in the home.. it's a birth defect.
I am not saying your DH needs to even necessarily have visitation in the home if you are concerned for germs.. he can see her outside.
Not allowing her visits is basically driving home the fact that she isn't important and is being pushed aside.. you may not care.. her father SHOULD.
And.. I think if his attitude is to live off the state? he is either a bit stupid.. and lazy.. and maybe has a pretty low class attitude about life.. a bit morally bankrupt to think others should pay for his kids? why are you with him again?
Yeah....no. We will pass on
Yeah....no. We will pass on having SD for the month. She will live. DH is fine with her not being around for a month. (& she's been neglected her whole 11 years of life, she can survive one more month).
BM is the definition of low class/ living off the state. She is in low-income housing. Gambles. Sleeps around. Luckily they took out her uterus so she only mooches off of 3 BABY DADDY'S. SD knows it. DH's parents were broke AF, carelss people who live in horder infested homes, had DH when they were 16, just....not classy people. (My own family cannot stand being around DH's family or SD herself).
DH really does check every box off in regards to being a great partner, except his money management, and....having a child with somebody who is just as irresponsible with money when they both state they shouldn't have had SD11. They were just happy to be able to "name something" at the age of 22. What a LAUGH.
Also. For those who don't know about our situation. SD11 will never live with us full time ever. I told DH I would leave if she ever did ( unless BM died or something) but that is how much stress & annoyance she puts on me. I don't like SD & I honestly, never will. I am always cordial to her, but I will NOT go out of my way for her. I did that in the past & got burnt for it. She can stay lost because DH & BM don't care about her.....so.....why should I? She'll get pregnant at 15/16 like her own mom.
Not sure
If you accept friend requests but I sent one. This sounds terribly familiar to me, ugh!
I DO know I "need to be
I DO know I "need to be kinder" when viewing my SD11 because of the neglect she has gone through her entire life. I feel like my true anger is targeted towards BM & DH. But the older she gets, DH & I BOTH see "mini BM". She is not a kind child anymore. She has learned to be racist & rude from her mother. BM doesn't give a rip & uses SD11 & her little sister as child support checks.. DH didn't care enough either. Am I expecting him to change for DD? HELL NO. But she is mine, & no matter what happens with DH & I. DD will have 10x more than SD ever could have dreamed of having growing up. I could easily fiancnially take care of DD without ever having to get child support from DH if it ever came down to it. SD11 already sees how much DD is getting/ attention & SD11 claims to be "whatever" about it. DH claims that SD11 hangs around my neck/ walks close to me, "will say anything to get your attention because she doesn't have a fit/ suitable woman in her life to look up to except for you." is what DH tells me every single time he sees me getting visably annoyed with. (AND HAS BEEN SAYING THIS FOR 4 YEARS NOW)
I am tired of the "Take it as a compliment" I get from DH & his mom, but again.....I truthfully have no desire to fix this young, diabetic, overweight, nerdy, compulsively lying pre-teen.
I'm sorry.. but he is a
I'm sorry.. but he is a neglectful father (in your own words)
He is not a good provider for his family.. or even himself.
He is not good with money
He pushes his financial responsibility on you and sees no problem with people pushing things onto the state.. (when they are capable of doing more).
And he is lazy about parenting.. and is just fine virtually abandoning his child.. those do NOT sound like great partner material.
He comes with baggage.. and has a terrible family history.
I get that you are past the point of being able to pick a better partner to have a child with.. but honestly.. it's really sad for the little girl that her father has picked his new woman over being a real parent to his child.
It's not your job to care for or about his child.. except for the whole being a decent human being where we don't encourage people to be crappy to children they created. You actively waging a campaign to minimize this child in his life.. is just wrong.
The Karma bus may not be too far down the road because a guy that has ditched one kid already.. and shirked that responsibility is likely to do it again. At least you will hopefully be able to support the child. .I don't think you can count on him..
I mean.. again.. no good qualities have been mentioned..
Are that he is a kind person? (not kind to neglect being a parent to your child).
He loves you? you should probably make the person who is supporting you think that you love them.. it helps.
and.. I know coming from someone who had to deal with a user in the past.. they really don't have much humility... they can be very convincing when they want to be.. the minute you are no longer their "useful" pawn.. they show a different side.
TBH. I would probably be more
TBH. I would probably be more comfortable & better off without DH & SD11.
Less stress.
You probably would.. you
You probably would.. you should think about this.. because I am not sure you can expect an improvement.. at least that way you aren't subsidizing him and his other child.. when YOUR child needs your support.
but if you ARE married.. and have purchased the home jointly.. (even if he has not paid any of it).. make sure you get legal advice on what you might have to do there.
OP was experiencing pregnancy
OP was experiencing pregnancy related psychosis and SD is a trigger. The psychiatrist recommended OP not be around SD for both of their safety. If her DH cared about either of them, he would take total care of his daughter when she visits, or see his daughter on his own without OP. But he's still egging her on. Pushing her to do more, spend more. Telling her things like she should do more for SD because SD likes her better, because BM is worthless, still trying to guilt her into doing more for SD. Even though he has been told by a doctor it is dangerous. He just doesn't care to put forth the effort to be a parent to SD on the 4 days a month he has her.
I remember now. This is the
I remember now. This is the guy whose idea of visitation is to f!ck off by himself and have OP watch SD. SD won't be missing out on any bonding time with Daddy by missing a month. She will be missing time with a SM who resents her. Let her stay with BM.
Make it happen.
Now.
Girl most of these single
Girl most of these single dads are opportunistic looking for FREE built-in childcare for their kids, subsidized child support (get the new woman to pay the bills so their money can go out to another woman's household), free household labor (maid, janitor, cook, etc)....AND free on-demand seggs worker
There is no benefit to being with 90% of these single dads out here.
NONE!
Do not let your financial health suffer because he's a parasite. Let him figure it out and do whatever you need to do to make yourself and your kid happy.