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Does this make me selfish...?

REDRUMGT's picture

Hey everyone, I am new to the page, but I am so glad that I found this site. Counselors can't seem to help me navigate my struggles so I am hoping that I can get some help.

So long story short, I have been with my hubby for just going on two years now and in those past two years, we've been on one hell of a ride. We met at work, decided to try to have a baby a month after getting together and we succeeded. I was introduced to his boys early on because his BM wanted to do nothing but go out and mingle. I fell in love with his boys and bonded very closely with his youngest. Once I got pregnant, and couldn't horse around with them as much, they pushed away majorly. His BM ruined our revels by posting on FB for everyone to see that her ex had gotten me "knocked-up" so with my first pregnancy announcement being ruined, I've resented her ever since. I had a large handful of medical issues when it came to my reproductive system so carrying the pregnancy through the first trimester, I was told, would be very difficult if not impossible. So that's where it all started. Throughout the past year since my son has been born, I have felt so much love and I've noticed that's it far from what I feel for his two boys. I have always wanted to have 2-3 babies of my own and now I can't have 2 without having 4 and that's just too many.

My husband works long hours and finding time for ourselves is hard, but we can make it work. However, the only days we have the boys are his two days off. I see that it stresses him out to not have any down time except for at night which is usually only just a couple of hours after our son is taken care of, dinner, laundry, etc. His BM had cheated on him right around the time she got pregnant with his second. He thought for years (as well as her entire family) that it was her ex-husbands child. It was her last BABY so she's done nothing but coddle him and he's the most spoiled, miserable, clingy child I think I have ever been around.

Anyways - back to the topic. Does it make me selfish to just wish that they would disappear? I have always felt like I am sacrificing the ONE life that I have to have 2-3 babies of our OWN for two miserable children who are SO mean to my son and we only have them a couple of days a week. He has tried to form a stronger connection with the boys, but I see SO clearly how different he is with his two boys and OUR son. He's so much closer with our little one and I just can't help but think to myself - GOD if they would just disappear life would be PERFECT! I could get pregnant again and have the family I have always wanted. He wouldn't have to deal with kids who just constantly ask to go back to their mothers because she will give them anything they want to shut them up. His BM also has 4 kids (including his two) and is dating a guy with 3 GIRLS! They have 7 children cramped into a 3 bedroom apartment...

Sorry if I'm rambeling, but can anyone relate? I just feel like I'm babysitting kids at this point. I used to try and read them books before bed and now all they do is tell me that I'm not their REAL mom and I just no longer have the urge to try and connect with them. It sucks because I want to be that mom for all three of them but I can't...I just step back and let him parent and I tend to our child...


Harry's picture

DH had free time with BM.  Why not you.  Why are you not equal to BM. He has to work something out. EOWE 

JRI's picture

How old are the boys?

To answer your question, no, it doesn't make you selfish to wish the kids would vamish.  Many of us do, or have wished it at one point.  But, you and I know it wont happen so all we can do is figure out the best way to cope.

You and your partner need to sit down and have the first of ongoing discussions about all the kids and how to make it work out for everybody.  It sounds like he needs it as much as you do, everybody needs some respite.  Do the boys have bedtime that he enforces so he can get rest and adult time with you?  Is there a sane custody agreement that you follow to the letter?  Does he have firm behavior standards that he enforces? It might sound like I'm leaning on him and I am because he is the parent and it's his responsibility.  We have found out that it doesnt work for the SP to discipline.

If you are new to this site, there are many discussions that cover your concerns: acceptance of other people's kids, behavior reinforcement, time issues, hostile BM, disengagement, transition, etc.  

I feel for you.  You've tried to be a good SM, like everyone here, but your efforts haven't worked.  I've been there, believe me.  But start with your DH.  Don't accuse him or the boys, just discuss how to make it work.  Set aside some time when the boys aren't there.  I read one good suggestion on here.  One person said she and her partner always had a "post mortem" when the kids left: what worked, what didnt and how to fix.  You have a doable situation:  they arent there all the time and your partner sounds willing to work on this.  Other experienced folks will chime in with suggestions, too.  Good luck.

REDRUMGT's picture

Thank you so much. I def needed that. Honestly, he just tried to be the cool dad all the time and didn't hold them to strict rules and I was the one who told him that limits need to be set. I am not the type of person who is going to BUY my step-kids. After a while he bagan enforcing bedtimes, one movie and then bed, no snack if you didn't finish your meals, but all of that really came from me. 

Last night, we actually had a talk and I think a lot of me sees them as the resentment that I feel. I have always wanted more than one child and now the "family" that I have is made up of kids who disrespect me, don't want to be around me, and are mean to our son. It's hard to see them any differently than a child who bullys kids at school. I don't feel like my 1 yo is safe with the 2.5 yo. 

Texashley33's picture

I've wanted my SS17 to be gone since he was 3. Here he is now living with us permanently bc his mom lost custody when he was around 9. We have 2 kids of our own and SS17 is so jealous he hides in his room all day. When he was around us he would cause trouble behind my back, by tripping my daughter and lying about it, and taking her toys etc. He is only nice to my son..and even told the psychiatrist(that his stupid BM made him and all of us go to court ordered)that he likes his half brother but not his half sister. Evil. All he does is lie and hide in his room 24/7. When hes 18 I'm going to make his lazy BM take him. I ain't living with this kid for the rest of my life. Nope. He has Highly Functioning Autism and ADHD and Bipolar. Psychiatrist doesn't think he has HFA but MANY mental problems. I've had enough. 

Lifer33's picture

And in my humble opinion you shouldn't sacrifice all your down time or what you want out of life for these kids because you won't get any thanks for it. 

I was in a similar situation to you, pregnant earlier on etc. The whole deal up until dd was 2 was owned by bm telling hubby to jump and him saying how high, according to her career and dating arrangements. Our house was a reno but no time to fix it up or any downtime, entertaining ss every weekend. Fast forward to now and hubby has been 'replaced' in that role by bm new bf. And we have to fight her not to keeping reducing the contact to suit their Facebook family. 

Your partner is the child's father not just a babysitter for bm, there is a difference . Could you ask for one day every weekend and take the other off to have a breather and do what you need to do 

REDRUMGT's picture

I've told him that the only times that he's ever stressed is when we have the other two boys here. When it's just our son, he plays with him all the time, sings him to sleep and everything. The only downtime that he has - we have them so it takes a lot of OUR time away too. I have been out of work for a while (laid off due to COVID) and will be starting a new job this coming week so we will see how things go. I've told him to try talking to BM about taking every other weekend off. She gets her free time whenever she wants because she doesn't work and she can just ditch the kids with a sitter or with her mother. We don't do that when we have the kids. It's hard to want to spend time with them when all we want to do is relax with one another.

tog redux's picture

Not meaning offense, but since you asked - you got involved with the guy and pregnant after one month, without any vetting of his situation, ie, how he parents, how his ex behaves, how his kids behave, etc; so honestly, I'm going to go against the grain here and say yes, this makes you a bit selfish to wish his kids away.  If you had dated for a while, maybe you'd have decided it wasn't the right situation for you and found a man with no kids that you could have a family with.

beebeel's picture

This. I knew from the beginning that having more than one "ours" baby was out of the question because he already had 2. I spent four years deciding if I could sing up for that before I signed up for that. Then we waited another 6 years before we started trying to conceive. 

You dove headfirst into this and now you wish you had a time machine. I completely understand that feeling, but thinking like this is only going to feed that growing pit of resentment.

REDRUMGT's picture

When things started out, I was so close with them. BM was another story, but I bonded so closely with them and then something changed and everything started falling apart. She doesn't do a good job parenting. There's a serve lack of attention so they act out to get what they aren't getting at home. She gives them whatever they want in order to keep them quiet and it's just the opposite of what we do. When they're around me, I try as hard as I can, but they never fail to remind me that I'm not their mother. I'm not one to force a child to call me mommy, but at one point, his oldest did start calling me that and then it all of a sudden stopped and idk why. 

I don't want the resentment. I just don't want what WE want in our lives to be cut short because of the chaos we deal with from BM and SS's. 

BethAnne's picture

It sounds like your husband needs some help with parenting. Your situation would be more bareable if his kids were better behaved. 

Your thoughts are your thoughts and are understandable, but you have to live in reality. These kids are not going anywhere. Every weekend visitation is very intense (I've been there). I found that I was better able to cope when we had one weekend a month without my sd. It will probably be a hard sell to get your husband to agree to that, but it might save your sanity. Perhaps he could take the step kids one weeknight to "make up" for the weekend apart?

REDRUMGT's picture

but I have serve anxiety and depression that I've been coping with since and before the birth of my son. He's not very sensitive on the topic, he just kind of tells me to figure it out. It's something that's all new to me and I would love to be able to connect, but when they're miserable and want nothing to do with me or my's like, why even try? I understand that kids are impressionable, but it's like constantly putting effort into a relationship that's clearly not wanted. It's upsetting to constantly be rejected (for almost no reason other than for the last two months I've been injured and can't do much with them and when I got pregnant, they pushed away because I was no fun). The LO hits my baby and it just adds to the fire I already have burning. 

RIgh now we take them every weekend and one day during the week, which by the time they get to the house, they eat and go to sleep and my husband has to drop them off before work. So there's not much of a point. The kids don't understand the concept of work because their mother doesn't work. They think that we can just not work and run around doing whatever we want during the day and that's just not the reality. The kids don't behave the way they would if they lived with us primarily. She has 7 kids in one household and leaves them to occupy one another so there's a severe lack of attention and then she coddles her youngest to the point where anytime he wakes up from a nap without her, he likes hyperventilate. It's just insane. Still is giving him bubbas and everything. We don't do that with him at our house so he doesn't like our house even more because he doesn't get coddled. 

Chelseybychelsey's picture

His kids are not going to disappear unless your dh bails out and pays his child support.

The reality of step-parenting is you have to be prepared that he may get custody one-day bm could die or lose custody or give up custody.

You can talk to your dh about this and express your feelings and try to come up with a compromise. Is your dh going to be working that many hours for the long haul or is this temporary until he finds something more suitable? Do you plan going back to work to maybe lessen the number of hours he's working?


CLove's picture

That a couple make time for each other and have  a strong unified partnership. If you two arent strong, you cant be strong for your children.

You will probably need to disengage a bit. Try to get some alone time with him and discuss what needs to happen.

Im no one to judge if your being selfish or not, but I sometimes wish that Bm would disappear! And this past Friday she was taking all her pain meds...and claiming it was OD attempt...and I will admit my mind went there...

But I have not wished Munchkin SD14 away, myself...