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New here...biomom and my H are having their first grandbaby

ItNeverEnds's picture

I'm going to try to not write a book, but there is just so much that's happened...and I have no one IRL to talk to about it.

I met my H about 11 yrs ago. He was a single dad with full custody of his two preteen boys. Bio mom ditched all three of them for another man. DH's youngest son hated me pretty much from day one. He did everything short of murder to get rid of me. We had a family counselor come in...three days a week for 2-3 hr sessions. Things were still crappy, but we made it through. DH and I have daughters together...the last baby we were really hoping for a boy, ya know? I love my girls and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but I really want a son. SS and his wifey are preggers now and wouldn't you guess it. Its A BOY! Boys are a rarity in this family. Oh's being thoroughly rubbed in my face that "the girl trend" has finally been broken. It makes me so angry!!! I am really struggling with the fact that Dh's first grandchild is with his ex...but having it be a boy is really rubbing salt in the wound. I've tried talking Dh about it....but he just gets upset with me saying that he doesn't want me treating (their grand baby) any differently that I would OUR grandchild...which I NEVER would. I just don't know how to process all of this. SS's wife hates me...and oh, the feelings are mutual. She's a manipulative, sneaky, backstabbing, whiny, little twit, but that's a whole different story.

Oh and of course, bio mom (who didn't want to have anything to do with the boys while they were growing up), is now coming to EVERY family function. SDIL makes a point to take lots of pictures of bio mom and MY Dh to post all over facebook. I want to run as fast and as far away from this mess as I can!!! Sad

RaeRae's picture

Your DH should make it a point to stay out of pics with BM. He should be more sensitive to what you are feeling. You're his wife, for God's sake. BM is obviously taking advantage of the situation.

skylarksms's picture

I feel for you. In our situation, SD17 is the one who had the grandbaby and since she is still a minor (and BM is CP), her and grandbaby are under BM's thumb.

We have seen the grandbaby exactly ONCE since he was born in March.

LizGrace65's picture

I agree with Rae Rae - why is your DH in pictures with BM? You're just going to have to work through your feelings about it being a boy, and with BM, since that's the way it is. And I'm sure you'll come to terms with that in time in your own way. But why would there even be a "photo op" of your DH with his ex?

He should be more sensitive especially if he knows you're struggling.


donna123's picture

Isn’t it truly shocking how this passive aggressive nastiness can get more complicated as time goes on and kids get married and then encourage their new spouses to take up their unrelenting hatred toward stepmom. In reality BM didn’t raise those boys for half their life, therefore all of you are having your first grandbaby. How remarkably cruel to say “the girl trend” has finally been broken. Total divisive ASSHOLES!!

Posting pics on FB with your husband and the EX should never happen. If they had anything remotely resembling manners they would ask permission from anyone in a pic before they post it online. If your husband plans on staying married to you he would do well to phone SDIL and demand she takes those photos down and to NEVER post one ever again. And then let her know there isn’t one single thing funny about it. He should be outraged on your behalf. It is disrespectful and hurtful to the nth degree what that twisted little bitch has done.

Now if only you could find a few choice of pics of SS and his other GFs to post on FB. Haha.

ItNeverEnds's picture

Thank you all for your responses. I know I will get over the gender thing in time...the sting of comments made will remain though. The funny thing is...I was so excited when we found out it was a boy. It wasn't until SDIL started making "girl trend" comments that I lost it. Then at the baby shower Dh and I gave a bunch of baby clothes with cute little sayings on them. "Grandpas little man" etc. One of the shirts said, "What happens at Grandma's stays at Grandma's" SS held it up and showed bio mom...he said, "This one is for YOU." Knife in my gut...over and over. They've won. Now I don't give a rats tail about it. I hate listening to DH talk about it... I'm DONE caring. I'm not going to keep getting my heart ripped out.

Oh...and Dh's reaction to my rant over the pictures... He said that I'm being ridiculous....they are just pictures. Whatever.

on the fence's picture

Wow. I dread this. When you hope it might get better, this is what can happen. I hope SDIL is just hormonal and gets over it. It figures abandoning BM can just jump back in any time. I will never understand how that works.

bebegirl22's picture

I can tell you from personal experience that this is one of the hardest things to go through as a Stepmom. My difference if SD17 is having a baby (she currently lives with DH and I full time) and to make matters worse, HD and I haven't had a baby of our own yet. The comments I have gotten were a little bit different like, SD's having a baby before you! and my friends said that should be you Bebe.

BM all of the sudden wants to "bond" with her daughter and is now trying to get me from being in the room with SD when the baby's born. BM has even thrown in my face that she's had 3 kids when I make a suggestion that she overrules because I just don't know what I'm talking about because I haven't had kids yet.

I have always felt like I had my place with my 2 SD. We have a good relationship and we love one another, BUT nothing can prepare you for this.

I agree with on the fence 100% - It figures abandoning BM can just jump back in any time. I will never understand how that works. - Even thought BM didn't totally abandon my SD's she hasn't been around for quite awhile and I've been doing everything for them, but now she wants to come around to buy little baby clothes and blankets, where the HELL where you for everything else....

Your husband should understand more about the picture thing. He needs to put himself in your shoes, or would he care? Men think differently than women about certain things and tend to think we are always being over dramatic. But at the same time he should be more understanding. Our husbands have no idea what we are going through, how left out you feel or just plain awkward. After all the time, money, love you put into these kids, you will never be Mom and it really does show when a grand baby comes or a wedding. Ugh. I dread a wedding too...

You never think about all of this when you get married to a man with kids, then as you get older you do or maybe not till it actually happens and it hits you. What a mess it all is. How you wish everything was just normal. I think about my family and how my son or daughter will be younger than is nephew and my DH is a grandpa at 36 and I'm step-grandma at 29 and I want to vomit. Then my DH tells me no one is normal now a days and I feel a little better. Just a little. Smile

ItNeverEnds's picture

Our youngest DD just turned one. SDIL is mean about that "weird" it is that her son has an aunt that is only a year older. I want another baby....dh was on board until SS told him how much it would upset them if we have another. SS is even pressuring Dh to have a V. They are really a couple of jerks.

Your hubby is right...there is no such thing as "normal" anymore. We can't let our Sks lives dictate the path we are choosing. Its just not fair to us to do that.

Bio mom came back into their lives for a few months back when I was PG with our first DD. She was on a mad strike to mark her claim...called every week, insisted on the boys coming to visit her (she moved 3 hrs away to be with her new man)just when the boys started getting used to it, she dumped them again. They were too much work for her.

Oh the wedding...I was soooo good. I dreaded it too, but I made up my mind that no matter what happened I would be sweet for DH's sake. I was so uncomfortable though...felt like a third wheel the whole day. I was 8 months PG and stuck out like a sore thumb. You couldn't pay me enough to re live that day.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

My skids aren't the age where this has happened to me yet, but I fully don't expect to be too involved with either of my SDs pregnancies or births, or helping them raise their babies. Of course I'll buy the babe a gift and congratulate and all that, and if I'm asked, I'll be there at the hospital for support. But as both a SM and a SD, I understand if they want their BM and if they feel one mom is enough. And I'm oddly okay with it, mostly because of this website.

Of course, for my own daughters, I'll be there for everything and I'll get to do the grandma thing with them.

My situation was the opposite. I've always wanted my adoptive mom and my stepmom at my events, and I have forbidden my BM to come to any events involving my kids, including births of my babies and my wedding and commitment ceremony.

Squeezing me out of her golden uterus just wasn't enough to get her the "mom for life" pass with me. She dropped the ball and now she can deal.

Eyes Wide Open's picture

Sigh.....been there....

SD24 has the golden womb. She and baby daddy are filling up their trailer park. And, yes, these are BM and DH's only grandchildren. As DH and I met later in life, we have no children of our own. Like so many of you here, BM took off with any man who would have her and left DH and the kids when they were little (like 5 and 7 years old). She had virtually no involvement in their lives until the kids were older. Once SD started up the ol' easy bake baby oven, BM became mother of the year! It is soooooo hard to grasp BM and DH as grandparents, together. I mean, she wanted NOTHING to do with any of them 20 years ago! And, to make matters worse, my first husband died, so when my daughter has kids, it will pretty much just be me. I just don't see where BM even DESERVES the honor of being a grandmother. SD and I have no relationship. And, I doubt I'll have a relationship with her children. I've dealt with her before, and I know if I put my heart out there, she'll use those kids as leverage against me. It still sticks you in the heart to realize that, as much of a BITCH as BM is, she and DH have something together than we do not. Sigh....not liking it....but sucking it up....

ItNeverEnds's picture

"It is soooooo hard to grasp BM and DH as grandparents, together."

That's exactly how I feel...Dh doesn't get it at all. I too am sucking it up though..putting on a fake smile and choking back my feelings. It feels good to talk about them with someone that understands.

CyndieMac's picture

Your statement about "golden womb" isn't supposed to be funny but omg I can relate and actually keep chuckling to myself about that term! My OSD definately has one, except in BM's family only the first child is recognized and the "favorite" I'm praying this girl doesn't have another child because that child will be as messed up as the OSD.

donna123's picture

But there is also another set of grandparents too, so this child is not the exclusive domain of DH and absentee BM. There should be no reason for you to feel or be left out, except it is being done deliberately to snub you and your DH really needs to get that through his head and make sure that you are included. This is just the work of small minds and small hearts.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

My situation only got worse once SD had her babies (3). She felt very empowered I am sure and was leading DH around by the ring in his nose.

He better stop that after this Christmas fiasco. Enough is enough.

jennaspace's picture

I'm sure you know this but if you don't, gender is determined by the male (your husband). Of course it's a blessing to have girls (I wanted one bad, we have an almost all boy trend in my family). Gender is determined by the sperm, not the egg. You had nothing to do w/it and neither did King Henry's wives Smile

They are already making it clear that you are not grandma. Personally, after what I want through, I would have no aspirations to be one. Just make sure you ask both (emphasize both, because it was my SDIL not my ss that had a problem with me being called g-ma), what they want you to be called. Let DH do all the shopping etc... You will save yourself a lot of hurt if your expectations are low.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Yes! This!

I was just stripped of my title at Xmas and it did hurt. Not going back there again.