SD 8 Behavior
Me and my BF have been working on building resposibility with his daughter. Shes 8 and has never had any chores or rules or responsiblities. Shes an only child on both BM and BD side. She has only recently started wiping her own butt after she poops. She normally sits on the toilet and cries until someone helps her. I have always thought that was strange and my BF has been working with her to wipe by herself. My SD grandma still spoon feeds her and brushes her hair. I recently showed her how to brush her own hair so on my BF kid week she does it by herself now. He needs his parents to watch her a couple days a week due to our work schedule so she spends a decent amount of time with his parents. Shes their youngest grandchild so I understand it is hard to see them grow up, but I worry that "babying her" will effect her negatively (pooping somewhere nobody can wipe for her). Shes came home with poop on her a few times but it hasnt been bad recently. She isnt able to tie her shoes (after hours and hours and hours of trying), and gets very angry when something is super easy for her. She had tried to open the ketchup bottle and couldn't so se threw it and screamed and cried. I could give a million different examples of how she reacts to things or things she cant do or things she just simply wont do, but what I really would bennefit from is hearing what is an ideal expectation to have from an 8 year old girl. I dont personally have any kids and according to my BF all my friends kids are just extremely advanced for their age. I want her to learn to do things on her own but I dont want my BF or even BM thinking I have unrealsitic expectations and push SD too hard. It has been getting really difficult to get anything done for myself when its just me and her because she needs me to follow her around and do little tasks for her all day. I understand shes a child and needs an adult around but pushing the button for the water dispenser, turning on the TV, helping her find a bag of chips she wants, and then opening said back of chips, are small things I think she could do, or should be taught to do. Shes an active Roblox player and has a million apps on her iPad that shes downloaded and learned to play on her own, but being asked to flip a sock right side out is too hard.
BD has no problem following her around any time hes around and doing any little simple thing she asks and doesnt find it annoying or an inconvience at all. But he has converns she's develomentally delayed. Her school has been asking to hold her back a grade. He is okay with the idea but BM refuses.
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Just because you are not a
Just because you are not a parent yourself does not mean that you don't have any sense. You're seeing some issues with the child--does your BF not see them, or does he have his head in the sand?
Maybe what he needs is some help with parenting and you can help him find resources: books, classes, websites, etc. so that parenting guidance is coming from somewhere other than you.
Oh, and he IS a bad father if he doesn't do anything to correct this child's behavior, including blaming everything on the BM and grandparents. He can insist on age-appropriate behaviors when she is with him.
It blows my mind that so many parents seem to refuse to allow their children to become independent and self-sufficient. It's abusive.
She is being infantalized
https://www.verywellfamily.com/8-year-old-developmental-milestones-620729
I don't think your friends' 8
I don't think your friends' 8 year olds are advanced. I have one SD who is 9 and another who just turned 7 a couple days ago. The 7 year old has taken care of her own toileting since before she went to kindergarten. She learned to tie her shoes at 4, and has been brushing her hair for awhile. She fed herself at 2. She uses utensils well, although we don't give her sharp knives. She can get her own snacks, get her own cereal in the morning, make a sandwich and put her dishes in the sink or dishwasher. She folds and puts away her own laundry. She is capable of cleaning her own room, but doesn't do it as often as we'd like. She is an average kid, IMO, and her older sister was more advanced at that age.
Your BF's daughter might have some developmental delays (not being able to tie her shoes after being taught over and over might be a small motor skill issue, for instance), but most of this sounds like she's been coddled and infantilized. Once you showed her to brush her hair, she could do it, after all. If the adults in her life stopped doing all these things for her, I'll bet she could figure out how to do it on her own.
If your BF thinks she's developmentally delayed, what has he done about it? Has he had her evaluated? If not, why not? As far as being held back a grade, it is only going to become more difficult to be held back the older she gets. Being held back in kindergarten isn't a big deal at all, and it's easier in 2nd grade than in 5th. If it needs to happen, do it now! Who has educational decision making? Has the school discussed an IEP or evaluation or anything other than retention?
Finally, don't let your BF give you any BS about not having kids and therefore not knowing about kids. A lot of it is common sense, and he doesn't sound like FOTY in any event. If he brushes off your advice and opinions, maybe it's time to let him handle his child all by himself.
She does have an IEP at the
She does have an IEP at the school but the BM is in charge of basically everything. He doesn't even receive the emails about early release anymore. BM always makes the teacher meetings on days she knows he can't make.
SD is currently in 2nd grade and they've suggested holding her back and BM threw a huge fit and "refuses to have a special needs kid"
This is so ridiculous it's
This is so ridiculous it's off the scale. Holding her back won't make her a special needs child but not getting her the help she so clearly needs is helping her down that path. What are her parents doing to help her with school? Do they help her with homework? Do they read with her? Or are they just sitting on their backsides imagining that education comes easily to anyone and everyone if they're just left alone to get on with it?
Why can't he go to his own teacher meetings? Why can't he contact the teacher and say that the day picked doesn't work for him? Can't he take a couple of hours off work to attend a meeting? Can he attend a meeting remotely? There are often solutions but you have to look for them. Lazy "parents" just never bother ...
I can't speak for what is
I can't speak for what is done at BM house, but on his kid week we both spend every school day going through her homework and spelling words and vocabulary. Probably 3ish hours a day and then we eat dinner and she goes to bed basically. She gets mad when she gets stuff wrong and throws a fit and shuts down. A majority of the time "studying" is BD sitting down with her and trying to talk out her anger and have her open back up.
The school stuff (and sadly the medical stuff as well) is very messy. Per their divorce decree it alll should be handled together, but BM has a huge friend circle and every teacher SD has had and probbaly will have is BM best friend and BD gets shut out of everything. He has shown up to meetings and been told that BM took care of everything and he could leave. He's gotten to a point where he bows down to her and i try to tell him he needs to stand up to her for SD sake. She just has a lot of power and blackmailing is a hobby of hers.
for example, when i told SD to do things on her own for the day (she was very much capible of anything i asked or showed her to do) she called BM and cried and complained and BM called the police and said I was neglecting her daughters needs and i had to explain to police what i had her do and they took my statement and left. BM wasn't happy with what PD did and called my place of employment pretending to be a patient of mine ( i work in healthcare) and told them i was an abusive provider. We ended up getting police involved and she told everyone it was a prank. But being put on admin leave and losing two weeks of income until the investigation was done wasn't very funny to me.
Go after her for slander. She
Go after her for slander. She attempted to ruin your career. That is no laughing matter. A prank? Teens play pranks, adults should be beyond that. What witch!
Your partner should raise merry hell when he's told that bm has it all covered. They have no right to deny him his participation in his daughter's education.
That's not even the worst
That's not even the worst thing she's done. She's not a nice woman. She has called PD because SD was left alone with me while my BF was at the store and felt that her child was unsafe being watched by another child (me.. she calls me the child) and has made many accusations against me because she believes it's too strange for her 8 year old to call me her bestie. But at the same time calls me a child.
She has directly told my BF
She has directly told my BF that it will be her life mission to make sure he is miserable until the day she dies, even if it means making their daughter miserable.
Your SD is very much behind
Your SD is very much behind her peers. I have twin daughters, at age 4 they could do the things that you are saying your SD cannot, and lots besides. Why? Because they were pushed to learn. They enjoyed the challenges and were soo proud when they learned something new :) Oh, and one of them has Down Syndrome.
We all learn by tackling new situations, failing, trying again until we get it right. Challenges are what teach us things. Nobody is letting your SD meet the slightest challenge, rather, they are babying her and keeping her from learning anything. This is actually abusive. They are actively handicapping her. How will she ever survive in the outside world? How will she ever get a job, be self-supporting? Do they intend to keep her in this state of incapacity forever, and keep her at home like a pet? Well, that's the road they're heading down. FWIW, the ketchup incident would have been expected around toddler age, NOT age 8.
How is she doing socially? Does she have any friends? Does she chat about things to you?
I suggest you google "learned helplessness". This is a very real problem and it looks as if your bf and his ex subscribe. Here's a starter:
"Over parented children can lead learned helplessness because:
(https://mantracare.org/therapy/what-is/learned-helplessness/#Learned_Hel...)
It's high time your bf got his daughter evaluated and (finally) got her the help that she needs. It is neglect not to do so. Or does your bf not love his daughter enough to bother himself?
My BF tried to suggest the
My BF tried to suggest the idea to BM and she called the police because she had reason to believe SD was being abused because only abused children need therapy.
She does have an IEP at the
Bizarre mindset. As if refusing changes the needs of the child. I'll feed my child whatever I want, I refuse to have a child with allergies. No surgery, I refuse to have a child with appendicitis.
BF needs to take back his power. Make an appointment and go to the school and talk to the teachers - both the classroom and any who service SD through the IEP.
I have a feeling that if BF does this, he will be told that academics are not the only problem -- that SD's life skills are not developmentally appropriate.
BD has even suggested therapy
BD has even suggested therapy or anything to aid her in everyday life and BM called the police telling them she has reason to believe SD is being beaten because he suggested therapy and BM believes only beaten children get therapy.
BM has called the police and other authorities countless times (i mention a few in a different comment)
He has scheduled meetings with the teacher ( who is good friends with BM) and BM called and rescheduled them so when he comes in they tell him BM has taken care of everything already and that he can leave.
SD has expressed she doesn't care about school so she doesn't care to learn or do homework because it's boring and she rather play. She doesn't play well with the other kids as she's thrown food at and punched her best friend in the face at recess. BD told BM about the incidents but since they happened on his week BM said it was his fault and SD shouldn't be punished for "having a terrible father"
shes more than physically capable of doing anything a child hee age should be doing. she chooses not to because she knows someone else will do it for her. and if someone doesn't do it for her then it just doesn't get done, and if you have her do something she will call BM and say she's being neglected and nobody will help her.
As a former substitute
As a former substitute teacher, having to wipe a child's butt is gross. Sometimes this happens in K, never in 2nd grade. That's absolutely ridiclulous. It doesn't take a degree in rocket science to realize a child needs to learn to wipe herself before starting school.
BF needs to assert himself. He is entitled to teacher conferences. He needs to demand involvement.
She is more than physically
She is more than physically capable of doing so. She purposely chooses not to because she knows someone else will.
He showed up at the school for the meeting he had scheduled with the teacher (he didn't know BM changed it) and she told him she couldn't do another meeting. He made a stink about it. Probably not in the best way considering he was escorted off rthe property by security. SD teacher is a best friend of BM. Most of the personel at the school and within the district is. That is a major reason BM doesn't want SD to change school, even though the school is a 40 min away from her home.