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Hi Girls, i'm back again...

PB's picture

Hi every one, well i'm back again. I went to see mom and dad for two weeks. 

I'm back home now for a week. Everything is worse actually. When i came back on the first day DH spent a  few hours with me and then said i'll go bring Sd here, i said oh sorry what? I was away from my home and you for weeks and now i would like to have some peace in my own home and though i'm so tired after the flight, so that was a warm welcoming! Then we had a fight. He left home and went to ex home and looked after sd until her stupid mom come home. So Bm started a full job like 10 in the morning until 23:00 evening. AGAIN. Sd is staying with us now even more, which i cant believe this situation. Last night i told DH to leave her home earlier so we can watch a movie together, but he said her mom is coming at midnight how can i leave her home alone?!! Before she was coming to us somtimes, but now whenever i'm home she is there. I still cant belive this, and dh knows how i hate this. DH still not working. I told him enough is enough. He says that wont last long, because i know i have to work this year, so BM is going to live with another woman who is also divorced and has a child, so they are moving together to a home and there will be a granny who will look after children. To be honest i really dont care what the hell they are going to do. He says but the new home will be empty in one month and dhalf nearly two months! LOL i said what are you crazy? Are you saying to me you are not going to work until then? I told him yesterday that's not going to happen and its impossible. After two months half of the summer saeson will be over and we are going to lose money AGAIN. So we had an argue again last night. He said you made my life like a hell. I was like F... You, actually it you and all your financial and ex familys problem who made my life like a hell. What does he think? he expect me to say oh no problem we will wait another two months, you take SD here 7/24, Please dont work, dont think about money, i work as i'm your slave. I told him enough is enough, make a solution, i told him to tell BM that ex mom should come to their home and look after her grand daughter until they move to the other home. I'm sick of this situation. Then i went to bed and he slept on the couch as he is always like a kid, but i dont care. I hate all of them. I'm sick of them. 

Do you have any ideas what should i do in this situation now? Until they go to their new home? 

At least i hope after that we get rid of the SD and BM And all of these problems. 

Comments

Kaylee's picture

You got back from your parents place. Nothing has changed.

Your partner won't change. 

Leave him and his failed family. Go back to your parents initially, then start to make a new life for yourself.

floralsm's picture

Totally agree. This life is toxic and hes an a*s. Flick your hair over your shoulder next time you say F you as you walk out the door. Him not having a job, and a child to care for is sooo not your problem after everything you have dealt with. See you never SO.

Winterglow's picture

Agree. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome ... 

Did  you tell your parents the truth about your marriage? 

Your DH:

  • Doesn't work and probably never will, not while you are with him to foot the bills
  • Puts his ex's wants above your needs
  • Spends your hard-earned cash on his ex-wife and their daughter
  • Doesn't give a monkey's about your feelings and has no respect for you
  • Abuses you verbally

What part of the above do you think is going to magically change when his ex gets a new home? Please, break the cycle now, before depression sweeps you down the drain and you lose all self respect. Life is way too short to be on a mono-diet of shit sandwiches.

PB's picture

Hi dear, i know what you say. 

But don't you think when they go to a new house, SD is not coming to us anymore, there is a woman look after her, so she wont saty with us. And DH made kind of a deal with a shop to work there just waiting for the home situarion to be done. 

Don't you think these never happens or make my situation better? 

Winterglow's picture

Given your husband's track record, I would say you shouldn't hold your breath. All it will take is for the woman who is supposed to be taking care of your SD to opt out, or for your husband to decide he doesn't think she's good enough, for him to find a reason to not work and rush off to help his ex...

Remember that everything that has happened so far happened because of him, not because of his daughter. It all boiled down to his decisions and his actions. SD is involved, of course, but it's your husband's behaviour that has caused your unhappiness.

 

Winterglow's picture

I would love to be wrong.

Crr18's picture

It looks like he hasn't changed . If you want to try to hang In there until the BM situation is done I wish you luck and hope it will change him.

PB's picture

Hi, thanks for your comment. no i don;'t want to and honestly i can't wait for BM to sort out her home. Why i should wait for her? Why she is affecting our lives and money? That's why i told my DH to solve this problem as it's impossible for us to wait for another month and half to have SD or DH without work. I will get crazy by then. So i'm going to wait until weekend to see what he is gonna do, will he talk seriously with BM to call the grany or not...

PB's picture

You  know what is painful is; Dh expect me to bare with the situation. Everything they decide i say ah ok no problem. Why the hell he thinks like that? Why i should not be alone with him in my own home? I hate to wake up 7 o'clcok to go to work with that SD's voice when she is playing with phone early in the morning. Can't he see that SD has nothing with me and if i have a girl one day will be opposite of her character. Its the expectation which is annoying. And what hurt me yesterday, was when he said you made my life a hell. I never forgive him inside. Firt of all i gave you everything in all these years, instead of being thankful are you biting me? Then i wish you see a real hell in life.

Winterglow's picture

"i wish you see a real hell in life"

Then here's what you do - you make an exit plan but do not let him get wind of it. Make sure yoiu have copies of all important documents, insurance, bank statements, wedding licence, etc. Everything that could be useful and send them to your mother (seems like a pretty safe place). Look for a job somewhere else and a nice appartment for you (is your place rented? If so, when is the lease up? Whose name is on the lease - please say it's only his name, please) or even stay with your parents until you're back on your feet. Talk to a lawyer or two to see what your rights are (many will give a free consultation). Once you're ready and have all your ducks in a row, leave as if you were going to work and never come back. Have him served the divorce papers once you're gone.

His living hell will be not having any source of income, no wife, no home, and you will be far away and getting your life back together while his crumbles.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your issue here isn't SD, so once SD isn't in your life 24/7, you'll still have problems.

Because the problem is your DH dropping every responsiblity to "save" someone else. He won't do anything to save your relationship, or your joint financial position, or your sanity from having to work to support everyone. You aren't worth saving to him, only his daughter and BM are.

He needs you to keep enabling him to be a savior. He needs you to keep working and providing him with a house and meals and sex so he can be in a good mood to go help someone else. I understand that he is responsible for SD, but there are 800 other ways that he can be helpful here - starting with working so he can pay CS and help BM pay for child care. 

But he's not looking into those other solutions because he thinks you're too weak to leave. Well eff that. It's time to tell him to find somewhere else to live. You've been too kind for too long, and your kindness only makes the situation worse for yourself. 

PB's picture

I can not say something but well done, you know the situarion better than me. Thank you for your comment.

Yes you are right. He could find 800 other ways to help them. Why isn't he working and pay for someone for a child care? They can pay 50% each mom and dad if they really care about their child? But no he is finding the easiet way, ME!

Yes again he thinks i'm so weak to leave, and you know what its very sad to say but sometimes he says I will leave you! can you believe? instead of me he says it! 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Hun I know you so badly want this to work out. The problem is that you love the IDEA of him, not who DH actually is.

This situation is a total clusterfluck, and a living situation for BM may change, but that just means a new shitty situation will arise because your DH is the problemo.

He doesnt value you like a partner should. He uses your good nature so he can continue playing both sides of the coin. He is abusive in the way he argues. He punishes you , sleeping on the couch, to whip you back into the "yes dear, anything you say dear" mode.

Dont fall for this toxic crap. Free yourself.

Blessings

PB's picture

Exactly as you said...

That's why anytime i talk to him or complain or ask him something his face and his behavior change...

He wants me to accept everything he does and oh no i would never do that. 

I hate when partners fight they sleep separate. But when he is back in bed, i'm going to sleep on a couch so he knows what that shitty feeling is... instead of whiping his back i need to be stornger and dont go after him or dont talk to him before he comes to me. 

He knows i'm sensitive and emotional and he is using it bad...

la_dulce_vida's picture

Your best weapon is to NOT react. If he's manipulating you because you're sensitive and emotional, don't give him emotion. In other words, moving to the couch to show him you're upset tells him he can still manipulate you.

Your SD and her BM are convenient scapegoats for your anger and frustration which should be directed at your lousy husband.

A good father and husband would do anything in his power, take any job, to provide for his family and wife. This man is making all manner of excuses to NOT step up for you.

SD's presence only really bothers you because you know your spouse (the man who made vows to you) is using you to support two other women. You must feel as if you're being cheated on.

Nothing will change when SD is around less. Your husband will continue with all the excuses about why he can't contribute or work, or has to be where the SD is - or reasons SD has to be at YOUR house.

It's a hard thing to have to admit to yourself - I get it. But, he's a disrespectful lout.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Your H is a low-quality person - a bottom feeder. He has no honor or integrity. He's a parasite.

Get rid of him, and all the BM and SD problems go away with him. 

You can have a peaceful, high-quality life, OR you can have this man. It's an either or proposition, so choose wisely.

justmakingthebest's picture

I am so glad you went to your parents but I think coming back showed you how bad it is. You mentioned before that they would help you leave him- please talk to them and go.

Nothing is going to change, he isn't going to ever be a good husband to you. 

AgedOut's picture

what exactly do you get out of this relationship? you're the only responsible one. I don't know what you should do but I think you're chasing soap bubbles and sadly soap bubbles always pop when they hit the ground. your spouse should be putting equal effort into your home. he isn't, he won't, he feeds you hope but hope bubbles pop too. 

 

his actions tell the story. what are his actions telling you?

 

ESMOD's picture

To be blunt about it.. your SD is 9 years old... it sounds like her mother is working hours that require her to be looked after.  I don't think you can reasonably think a 9 yo should be at home at 2300 (11 pm) by herself.

Now, on the one hand, you could say that if it's her mom's time.. it's her mom's issue to solve.  But, on the other hand, your SO is her father and if the alternative care isn't available to mom.. can't afford it.. whatever.  it's awfully difficult for him to refuse to have her with him.

But, he isn't working right? and it also doesn't look to be a good prospect regarding their custody arrangements.. and he is honestly not nice to you.. so that would be the reason I stepped out.

ESMOD's picture

That may or may not mean she is able to babysit at those odd hours unfortunately.. and honestly, I think bio parents are the first line of fire when it comes to caring for their kids.. before they push it off onto their parents.  Plus, it's really not that unusual for a parent to want to spend time with and care for their own child.. especially in a divorce situation where their time with their child is already going to be more limited due to custody splits.  That doesn't mean her SO shouldn't be able to make his wife feel important and valued.. and set reasonable boundaries for his child in the home.. like at 11pm she should be in bed so he and OP could have adult time together etc..

Winterglow's picture

Plus, he seems to have an obsession with his daughter so I suspect he wouldn't let anyone else watch her anyway. 

Evil4's picture

"Do you have any ideas what should i do in this situation now? Until they go to their new home? 

At least i hope after that we get rid of the SD and BM And all of these problems."

No, it doesn't work that way. You will not be rid of SD and BM and all of the related problems. I spent decades holding out hope and thinking that after the next stage of something, things will change. You will end up like me and wait decades for changes that never come. The issue lies within your DH. He hasn't figured out how to be a dad and a husband at the same time. Dads like our DHs have this thing where they think that being an attentive husband and meeting his wife's needs as a wife equals a direct hit to their poopsie doodles. There's a very deeply engrained issue within your DH that causes him to not be able to dad and husband at the same time. The next stage such as BM and SD being in a different house will not fix the dynamic. If your DH sees a problem he has to want to work hard to change things and he doesn't see a problem. Waiting through all the "well, when (insert event here) happens, things will be better" moments never come. Well, the moments may come but they have absolutely nothing to do with the dynamic between you and your DH. If your DH is telling you that when such-and-such happens things will be better, he's lying to you to buy time. Things will not change. He's got it made. He will continue to not work and he'll continue to use you and not meet your needs as a wife. He suffers no consequences for what he does. In fact he's rewarded because he keeps getting what he wants: not having to work and having a wife who pays the shot while he spends all his time with SD. And he doesn't even have to meet his wife's needs to have that. Why would he do anything different? He only has to wait it out while you go away for a bit or get mad at him, but there's really no consequence for him. He will not change a thing. He will not meet your needs as a wife. It's much easier to gaslight you and sleep on the couch to trigger any abandonment or "not good enough" issues you might have to "whip you back into shape."  

ESMOD's picture

It's been 4 years and the situation is the same right?  her husband doesn't work.  OP pays 100% of the bills in the home.  Her DH's EX works full time.. and he has leveraged that into "he has to be available to watch SD.. so he can't work".

We all know that is hogwash.  Plenty of two income homes out there where the kid goes to afterschool care until a parent is at home.  Plenty of parents that at least work a part time job whiletheir child is in school.  It's not typical for a parent to just not be able to work.. unless they get a sucker to foot their bills.

Now.. I GET that at 11 oclock at night.. might be that he has to watch the kid.. because afterschool care may not be available.. but how does THAT prevent him from earning a living? This kid should be in school during the day.. then in some after care until dad comes home.. certainly he should be able to earn enough to pay for that amount of childcare that would occur on his time.. and his EX needs to cover the cost when it is HER custody time.. or they split the monthly cost.. whatever.. he would STILL most likely end up making enough to help support himself and his daughter and contribute to the home.

But, make no mistake.. here.. I don't see SD as the primary issue.. though her DH is using his daughter as an excuse.

He doesn't want to work and likes that his wife supports him.  He is using his daughter as an excuse for that.. but her parents could arrange childcare for when they are working.. shoot.. at 9 yo.. she is approaching the age where she should be able to be at home for a few hours right after school until her parents come home (at their respective houses.. not together..lol)

I don't know that this is at all worth salvaging.. but the only way I would move forward now is an absolute ultimatum.

DH.. you WILL get a full time job in the next 90 days.  You and your EX will secure childcare for the hours you have to work... and arrange your work schedules to a normal no need of switching custody at a moment's notice.  Sure emergencies come up.. but they shouldn't be the norm.

Now.. that doesn't mean SD won't be at OP's home.. perhaps up to 50% of the overnights.. she will be with dad.. and the other time with BM.  Both parents should be able to figure out an afterschool solution that allows them to both work.  

Tried out's picture

"It's not typical for a parent to just not be able to work.. unless they get a sucker to foot their bills."

There are still plenty of families that decide that one parent, usually mom but not always, will stay home to raise the kids. No suckers required to make this happen. Sacrifices, yes, but two working parent families also make sacrifices for their decision. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Your response is out of context for this thread.

There are plenty of INTACT families where one parent stays home to raise the kids. That LUXURY is not really available to a divorced parent unless some sucker wants to support the non-custodial parent (in this case) to sit on their duff and be at the beck and call of the BM and SD.

Both divorced parents are responsible to contribute financially to the care and wellbeing of their shared child. That duty is NOT the step parent's unless they choose to do so. The OP is not on board with this.

ESMOD's picture

I understand that SAHM's are a "thing" too.. but more typically this is a dynamic in nuclear "first families".. it works less well in stepfamilies.. even when there are new joint children.  Though we see some situations here where a new wife may care for a joint child as well as children from a prior relationship.. but again that often comes with it's own drama.

And that is really the key difference.  I'm not talking about when the two partners SHARE a bio between them.. I am talking when a NEW partner comes in and the child in question is not their bio...and their partner wants to be a SAHP.

For someone to meet someone with a child and become their partner and allow their partner to make the decision to not work and agree to pay for all the expenses of the household.. even the child that is not their own?  I think that's a sucker deal for the person working.  Of course there could be some extreme circumstances.. someone who is incredibly wealthy who doesn't want their new wife to work and has money to burn and doesn't care if it means supporting her children from an earlier relationship.. but in the day to day lives of "normal" working people?  It's really not a great dynamic..and I think he knows it.. but doesn't care.

 

 

PB's picture

I finished work today and just came home now, he is not here, and neither sd, well I don't care about her, but I know what DH is doing to me. As said earlier he is doing his punishment according to him. Because I moaned yesterday so he is going to watch sd at ex home again. Because he know that I hate it, he use this against me. He thinks ok you dont want Sd do I'll go watch her there. Instead of solving the problem he is ignoring it. I honestly dont know what do with this man. I feel very lonely. As always. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

You will always be lonely in this marriage. Wouldn't it be better to be alone and not being used?

ESMOD's picture

The problem is that because he doesn't work.. there are no resources available to secure child care for his daughter.. 

I think your only option is to get out.. he is using you for your income.  If he were not married to you...where would he live? how would he eat?  He would have to MAKE MONEY.. right?  You are letting him take advantage of you.

PB's picture

He is very weak, he never calls them straight to tell them I need money I also have responsibility and family and a home to take care of, I need to work, tell granny to come and take care of SD. He is never serious and strong enough when he should be. But when its come to me ohhh man he is an evil. I dont know but I feel one day one guy will do the same with his daughter and I wont be surprised at all...

la_dulce_vida's picture

A truly weak man is weak in most all circumstances. He doesn't seem to be weak when it comes to you. He seem to have no trouble bullying you. He's got a weakness for BM and SD because their feelings and wants and needs MATTER to him, and he's willing to trample yours if you interfere with his priorities.

By labeling him as weak, you're excusing his deliberate behavior in a way. That's because you're not ready to see that he's manipulative and deliberately using you to support him while he chases after SD and BM.

ESMOD's picture

He isn't doing those things because he is weak.

He doesn't call people for money because he has you to provide for him.  If it's a need YOU have?  Well, that's not his problem now is it??? (in his mind).

He doesn't call GM to watch the child because he doesn't want to.. he is fine taking care of her himself.  Besides.. if he showed that he had other options for caring for SD.. wouldn't that mean he could actually.. I don't know.. GET A JOB?

I don't know how it could be any clearer that he is using you.  Again, if you were not there.. he would have to work to feed himself and put a roof over his head.  How on earth do you think he would manage without your support?  He likely is both dependant and also resentful of the situation and the only way he can feel better about it is somehow make you feel like you deserve this treatment.. and be an ahole to you.

I guess my question to you is why do you continue to support him and not insist that he contribute?  Why don't you leave and take your checkbook with you?  Honestly, you can't have much respect for this man who is perfectly happy to watch you work your fingers to the bone to pay for him and his responsibilities.  You can't have much love left for a man who can't, with all you do for him, manage to figure out some way to make you feel cherished in the relationship.  Honestly.. I think he is trying to make you feel so bad about yourself you think you can't do better than your current situation.. but you can.. being along is better than where you are now.