The BS will never end
When last I blogged, our court date had resulted in a last-minute agreement being worked out between BM and DH. We still don't have a written agreement, mind you, but there is a working draft being floated and a control date with the court that's next week, I think. The agreement isn't a good one, regardless. DH bent much too much and got much too little for my taste, but ultimately that's his deal and not mine.
One of the agreed provisions is that the skids see this one particular therapist, and the language she wants is basically that they see her until the end of time. DH is against that, but that's one of many details that isn't quite settled. In the meantime, BM is deployed and DH took the skids to therapy last week. He asked what they were being treated for. She hemmed and hawed. He asked if there was an issue with going from every week therapy to every other week therapy. She said no. He had her confirm that in front of stepdad, who was sent to monitor DH. So DH goes on his merry way.
So this morning, we get an e-mail from our attorney, who forwarded a message from her attorney, accusing DH of unilaterally changing the skids to EOW therapy. It's of course copied to the GAL, who chimes in to say that if the therapist thinks weekly therapy is necessary, that's what they should have.
Apparently BM contacted the quack of a therapist--who apparently we can't change!--and she said it was DH's idea! DH called her back and called her to the carpet, but meanwhile, we're back in the cycle of conflict, and I'm in tears again, because everytime I think it's going to get better, it gets bad all over again. I swear I think I have PTSD from all of this.
So there's no agreement, DH is getting castigated again--which shouldn't affect me, except that he's angry and frustrated, which means I have to deal with it, and to top it all off, we have the skids at our house until 7/24, and then they come back again on 8/8! I know it's not their fault, but I don't even want to look at them. How can I have anything other than horrible feelings about these children who a) have zero personality and b) continue to cause hate and discontent in my life?
I'm ranting, and you all probably think I'm horrible by now. I don't know how not to care what happens to DH and how not to be irate about this constant BS.
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Comments
There's nothing wrong with
There's nothing wrong with them at this point. The therapist was brought on in January to get SS visiting. He has been since May without an issue. That should be mission accomplished, or at least more than sufficient cause to reduce to every other week, absent other issues. The therapist agreed to go to every other week, unless the kids have issues, but told BM that it was DH's idea, and God knows, he's not able to have ideas about the kids.
BM wants both of them in weekly therapy because they're both "so damaged by the divorce," which she blames DH for, even though she was the one who wanted it and she's the one picking fights constantly. But she really wants these kids to be afflicted. She's convinced that SS(almost 7) is depressed and has anxiety because he bit himself on the arm. One time. And didn't break skin. To the point that she demanded he be tested by a psychologist. The guidance counselor at school saw no issue and neither did he teacher, but BM didn't even ask them.
The real issue is that the therapist is a quack. She should be moving the kids out of therapy, but she refuses to give DH any information about a treatment plan or even a diagnosis, and she's not moving them toward any kind of conclusion. She's literally not doing anything for the skids at this point, and DH doesn't trust her because she tells him one thing and BM another. He's agreed to allow their scumbag SD into sessions, but apparently BM is still contacting the therapist and getting different information, which she then freaks out about. To top it off, her office is a 1 and 1/2 hour round trip for us.
Oh boy - it's very hard to
Oh boy - it's very hard to not care what happens to your husband when you're forced to sit and watch
I forget some of the details....BM is deployed and kids are with SF??
Kids are in therapy and your husband doesn't know why?? I am surprised that he didn't have to sign off on that before they started...
Whatever happens, do not let your husband agree to ANYTHING in perpetuity. That's just silly.
BM deployed on 7/4. She's
BM deployed on 7/4. She's been gone 10 days. And the skids have been with us most of those days.
DH agreed to have the skids stay with SF so that they could stay in their school district. Their custody agreement has them at an approximately 60-40 custody split (with DH at 40%). This year, he'll end up with more days than that, but whatever.
Skids have been in therapy since January. Initial purpose was to re-start SS's visits (had been refusing). SS has been visiting without issue since May. DH keeps asking what the purpose of on-going therapy is. No answer. Asked for the treatment plan. No answer. Asked for a diagnosis. No answer. Asked for the kids' files. Told they were protected and he couldn't see them.
And he's not agreeing to anything in perpetuity. We're being really careful about that. I will OK many things, but nothing that lasts forever.
"Told they were protected and
"Told they were protected and he couldn't see them."
Does he have joint legal custody? If so, he has EVERY right to see his MINOR children's medical files. I would push him to file a motion with the Judge to get access to the files.
I get why he would let the kids stay with SF so that they could stay in the same school, but I would have made a different decision. The kids should be with their dad when mom is not available.
When does mom's deployment end?
Glad to hear you won't let him agree to anything stupid
He does have joint legal
He does have joint legal custody, and we've contact our lawyer to deal with the medical record issue. Until the freaking settlement agreement is finalized, that's his focus.
I agree with you about the kids staying with the SF, but it wasn't my decision. More time with the skids means more potential for conflict with BM, so the idea of having them was really intimidating to him. No one here (GAL, Therapist, even our lawyer) seems to be recognizing the way that BM treats DH and by extension, the skids. She uses them against him in every way she can think of, and the level of horribleness associated with this most recent round of court was awful.
That said, DH did ensure that the skids are spending almost the whole summer with us (ugh!), as well as all school holidays. SF will get them during school and EOWE, for all intents and purposes. And DH increased his custody share to right at 60-40, so that's good.
BM will return in January, as we understand it.
Your BM sounds like
Your BM sounds like Medusa.
Okay, so for now, the focus is getting the agreement hammered out and entered. After THAT, turn your focus to getting your husband access to the skids' medical records.
If I were your husband, I would draft a letter to the therapist and the therapist's supervisor/clinic owner with a copy to your insurance company, indicating that he has joint legal custody and they are under every obligation to allow him access to their records. Also, that the skids would not be returning to therapy until this access is granted.
Time to get hard ass about it.
I skimmed quickly through
I skimmed quickly through some of your situation. You have a long life ahead of you and 10's of thousand of dollars that will be spent on this crap over the years. Try to really find ways to bond with your dh that have nothing to do with the stress of all of this though I know how hard this can all be. Has your dh ever just thought of giving up? His kids are still young but eventually some do just throw in the towel. It can be an impossible situation to live with. Good luck and sorry you are going through this.
He has. We have. In his
He has. We have.
In his head, I know he's thinking that if we move away, everything will get easier, but that's not an option until next year, at the soonest. I'm convinced that there would still be issues if we moved, they'd just be different.