2 years or the Other Side
May this be a cautionary tale.
2 years ago my grandsons world imploded and showed me life from the other side. His father chose to romance a co-worker and consequently moved out of his marital home with my daughter. GS had never shared his father with anyone except for DDs daughter. He was Daddys right hand man. They had DaddyRubens Days where they would spend the whole day together. These days were precious and important to GS and his father. Now Daddy moved in with the new girlfriend and her husband (yeah you read that right) and her 2 children. Next thing is girlfriend is pregnant and moves out of the apartment and moves to our city dragging her homeschooled kids along with her and drops them into school for the first time. 10 yrs old and 4 yrs old. First time in school in a new city where you know no-one.
New girlfriend rules to roost. She sends long texts to my daughter about how DD has to move on and realise SIL deserves to be happy with someone who is better for him. How DD needs to let it go. How DD needs to understand they can all get along, How the 3 of them are now GSs parents and should sit down and talk about his welfare and health. Random out of the blue texts. DD would text her stbx something about their son and she responds all the time. GF has her baby and as she is still married her exs name is on the birth certificate or maybe not. All I know is there is currently a paternity test in the works although the baby looks the image of her older daughter and nothing like stbx SIL but who knows.
GS gets blamed for stuff. He has to share a room that he has never done before because Daddy always said he needed his own room and his own space. He has limited access to food where previously Daddy was OK with his grazing along with him all day. The DaddyRubens Days are way gone. He doesn't spend a minute alone with his father because the InstaFamily are all along for any ride. stbxSILs own parents are convinced she wants stbx all to herself and her repackaged ideal family.
So take it easy on your stepkids. Especially if your new relationship follows hot and fast on the heels of a breakup with the childs other parent. Or even if it isn't, find out what is their routine. Do they spend one/one time with their child? Familymovie nights? Spaghetti nights? Christmas traditions? And tweak any changes or do not get involved. Kids shouldn't have to change their lifetime of bechaviours just to suit you because this is on your partner as much as the child. If you don't like eating pizza on the floor while watching StarWars every single Friday night and your partner will not budge or commit to making changes now, run, Away. Fast. No man is THAT amazing. Let the changes in the household happen before you move in and see if they stick.
2 days ago this was all finalised in the longest dragged out divorce I have known due to his complete non communication.. And the only thing they had was a house that will now be sold. Not to mention his $22K in back alimony he owes. DD has full legal and physical custody which is unheardof in this state because it is always 50/50. And she gets to make all the calls from now on. I have seen GS change from a happy boy into someone who flinches if you happen to raise your voice to him and sob. So it is left to his grandfathers and uncles and DDs new partner to raise him with good morals and teach him how to be a man of his word. Because as far as his father is concerned ... well let me put it this way ... GS turns 7 next week. He asked his mother/DD how much she loves him. She said she loves him so much that if a bus was coming down the street she would rush into the road in front of the bus to save him. GS said "If it was Daddy I would walk the other way".
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New GF
Doesnt want your GS. And will do anything to stop him from visiting. Just have to be loving to GS. You can’t make his father do anything. Sucks for him. But you have to try as much as you can
You do realize that you are
You do realize that you are only telling one side of the story here, right? The one where your daughter is the loving mother victimized out of the blue by the horrible ex-husband, who destroyed their marriage and hurt their son? It's a very persuasive way that alienating parents use to convince others that they are the victims. I'd love to hear HIS story.
If you asked our BM, she's the long-suffering victim of an abusive and controlling ex-husband, who left her after all her sacrifices, and who caused his own son to stop visiting with his harsh and abusive behavior.
She leaves out the parts about how she had multiple affairs (including taking SS on trips with her affair partner), threatened to throw DH out of the house, controlled my DH's actions when they were together to the point where he had to plan to leave her when she was away. She also doesn't talk about how she poisoned their son against him so completely after he left that he eventually refused all visitation.
So perhaps YOU should think about the other side as well. Your story may be completely true - or just partially true, intended to make your daughter look good.
There are d-bag parents on
There are d-bag parents on both sides. It's not always "Dad runs off with the mistress and the SM is pure evil". It's not always "SF has to step in because Dad is garbage". There is a lot of in between.
I do agree with a few of your points. It IS important to be mindful about dating someone so soon after they divorce/separate. It's part to let the kids settle, and part to let your partner learn how to be a single parent. You can't come in wanting to save the day or be instant family (and sometimes that happens, not to be evil, but because society engrains in us, especially women, that as SPs we need to put it all back together and make it easy). Your partner has to get their life in order before committing to a new relationship.
I also agree with making sure kids have uninterrupted time with their parent and letting them keep their parent-child traditions. If they eat pizza on the living room floor every Wednesday night to talk about life, great! Easy thing to accommodate.
Where I disagree is when you talk about keeping family traditions. Unfortunately, that first family is broken. Their traditions are over just as the family is. The parent and their new SO become the new foundation of the new family. ALL families, to remain strong, have to be rooted on the couple. Doesn't matter if this is the first or fifth family, the adults are the foundation from which the family grows.
So, I don't think that we, as SPs, swoop in the first Christmas and make it all about our wants. But eventually, traditions have to change and adapt within the new family structure. Holiday traditions aren't about kids; they're about family, and that means the new spouse/partner should have equal say to the parent about how traditions are formed. It is never okay to relegate a SP to the backseat while the parent and kids make all the decisions. That's the fastest way to end up divorced a second time, and for a parent to never (and I do mean never) have another meaningful relationship outside their children.
Your daughter had the most cut-and-dry sort of divorce/evil SP situation imaginable. It is rare. You'll find that many SPs have a wide variety of experiences, from BMs who lie and cheat into full custody, to BF who disappear and never pay a cent in CS, to BF who make the better parent but the courts are so BM-centric that they barely get EOWE visitation, to stepkids who have mental health disorders that go untreated by Disney parents and lead SPs to disengage. Each situation requires a different approach.
I am truly sorry that your GS has suffered, but please don't paint SPs as being evil or martyrs for the cause. We're human, and we deserve the same type of love and respect as first spouses do/did.
We don't even know if it's
We don't even know if it's true! My SS used to tell his mother all kinds of ridiculous lies about our house and she always believed them. Maybe the daughter is a crazy BM who is painting the father and SM as awful.
Doesn't really matter if her
Doesn't really matter if her story is true. My advice still stands: don't paint all SPs as being evil or martyrs, parents need to learn to single parent before they get into a new relationship, SPs deserve to be treated like a first spouse, family traditions should be based on the current family, and there are a boatload of different types of stepfamily situations that each require a different approach.
But You are correct, there could be more to the story. So my added piece of advice is for everyone to try and objectively look at the situation versus taking sides based on blood or preconceived notions of what is right and wrong. Unfortunately, that rarely happens, and it feeds alienation and other poor behaviors. Extended family can help children and adults better adjust to divorce by being supportive of do-parenting and trying to play "devil's advocate" when they see their blood acting inappropriately.
I understand that you
I understand that you certainly would be on your DD side and that’s only normal for a parent. But saying that...I find couple of things alarming. I find it extremely alarming that 7 year old says he’d walk the other way if the bus hit his father. 7 year old? I’d want him to see a professional because it’s not a good sign. Why is he so hateful? Over what? Having to share a room or not being center of attention? I’d be mortified hearing that from a child
Me too. And I wondered what
Me too. And I wondered what the mother's response would be, as well. Would she give the typical alienator reaction: "I understand that honey, I feel the same way - he's been so awful to us," or would she do the non-alienator reaction, "I understand you are mad at Daddy, but it's never OK to wish someone would die. Daddy still loves you even if he isn't living here anymore."
My friend had an amicable divorce and still there was stress between her son and his father. Her teenage son one day said he wished his father would die while they were driving, and my friend pulled over, locked the doors and read him the riot act. Surprise! Her son is not alienated from his father and in fact, worked out his anger at him the next time he visited.
The mother in this story seems prime for alienation.
A woman who has an illicit
A woman who has an illicit affair with a married man (with or without children) is just pure dee trash. People do get divorces, but please don’t equate a man who runs off with a mistress with a spouse who just chooses to divorce.
A person has the right to decide to leave a marriage. But the person who lies, cheats and betrays trust to secure a replacement without letting the current spouse know that the marriage is over is pond scum.
Yes people can change and find redemption - but that requires time and actions. It does not happen overnight.
Maybe the child is exaggerating - doesn’t really matter the two (the cheaters) are evil.
Stupid man cheats with his
I get why your daughter, you and gs are upset. It's a ridiculous situation and completely uprooted gs7's stability. It seems like some people just go out of their way to screw up their lives. For what? 3 minutes of fun time? From my readings the stories from these boards aren't from married cheating pregnant mistresses but from partners who've come into sk's lives well after their parents ruined their own marriage.
Support your daughter, love on and spoil gs7, but stay out of the drama between dd, him and his father. Refuse to be a part of any PASing or alienating behavior. They'll have enough issues on their own without you joining in.