After 6 years of step hell, I'm done. Many of you have asked me to update you through the journey of leaving the marriage.

I hope it encourages many of you.

Regardless of how bad my husband and step-hell was, there are still doubts and my mind plays tricks on me.

I have to learn to listen to my gut and my body.  When my stomach knots up and I grit my teeth and clench my fists, I have to listen to that!  It was always days leading up to the skid visitation weekend and during and even a few days beyond and my body would react.

I made every excuse for DH.  It's situational, poor him, BM sucks, the skids suck...poor him.  No!  Not poor him.  Poor everyone else who had to deal with his man-child behavior, drinking/pills, rollercoaster emotions...bad life choices and zero coping skills.

Every problem he had, he has had for his whole life.  It's only gotten worse in his 30's and 40's and continues down the wrong path.  For me, I finally stopped making excuses for him.  I stopped blaming BM and skids.  They don't matter anything to me anymore and I will never hear from them or about them again. So relieved about that!  The HUGE weight has lifted!  But DH blames me for his shortcomings and the latest and greatest was, "I have more money than DH so it makes me selfish to not take in his kids, provide housing and everything else they need."  So now I'm selfish because I'm not going to give a free ride anymore.

See, they'll always blame YOU.

In making the decision to leave, I have not been resolute.  I have gone through and continue the go through the five stages of grief.  Yesterday I felt happy and relieved to be divorcing.  By mid-day, I was crying and bargaining and remembering the good times.  The moment I started thinking of how to make it work (as if I haven't tried it ALL in 6 years), my stomach knotted up.  I had to listen. 

This will not work.  This will never work. Staying and ruminating on this relationship robs me of my vitality and self-respect.

It's going to be hard to regain self-respect.  DH was very verbally abusive and although it's nonsense, it still got into my head.

I'm already noticing that I can begin to focus on me again.  What are my interests and goals?  What are my hobbies?  I'm not consumed by thinking about DH and the next time the skids and BM call/text/need something. 

I don't have to desperately snag time for DH and I on the calendar before BM gets it.  I don't have to have anxiety about the upcoming trip we've planned, that I'm sure will get canceled because of the skids/BM.   No.  That's all over.  I can surround myself with friends I have neglected and reconnect with distant family.  NORMAL people!!!  People who keep their word.  People who prioritize me.

I no longer have to beg for attention or to be placed ahead of skids/BM or anyone else.   I am entering into a relationship with myself and I am good to myself and I meet my needs and expectations.  Best of all, no more man-childs around!