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I guess I did the wrong thing.

Nymh's picture

EDIT:Fixing the italics...

I need some perspective on this. BM contacted me this morning with legitimate things that she wanted to discuss. I realized that this would be a constructive conversation, so I proceeded to discuss these things with her. I was right, it was a decent conversation, and we also both made a lot of points that needed to be made to each other. Apparently that was the WRONG thing to do. BF is NOT happy that we spoke to each other at ALL. He doesn't want us speaking period, even if it is productive and civil. This is turning into a problem between me and BF because even when I know that the conversation was necessary and legitimate, he feels like I've betrayed him or lied to him. Last time he said that I spend more time talking to her than I do with him. Considering that she and I may have one conversation a month, this is obviously not true at all...He gets so upset and tells me that while he knows I'm trying to help that I really am not and need to just not talk to her for any reason period. He says "there's always a reason" whenever her and I do have a conversation, which like I said lately have only been about once a month since I've been ignoring her. Yes, there IS always a reason that I speak to her, otherwise I'd just continue to ignore her. I realize that this woman is crazy but that doesn't mean that she should never be allowed to discuss progress, changes, or keep us on the same page as far as parenting goes. She can't speak to BF about almost anything due to the restraining order, and that he downright refuses to talk to her most of the time. We ended the conversation on the note that we would correspond via email on things that we think would help BF and SS develop a good relationship together. What am I supposed to do? Do I just not respond to these emails which she's sending to me trying to make a positive difference? Do I completely ignore her from now on, no matter how legitimate or necessary her desired topic of conversation is? I don't want there to be problems in my relationship with BF because of this, but I really don't know what to do. He just seemed so defeated today when he found out we'd been talking.

Comments

Enuffsenuff's picture

Is he afraid you'll say something wrong or what? I just don't understand. It seems if he isn't able to communicate will with BM that he would be glad to let you take care of it. I don't see that you did anything wrong--so much as you just did something he didn't like.

I choose not to talk with our BM--but that is because she is more likely to attack me verbally then BF. I think she is very jealous of our relationship. That is the only thing I can think of that would make her act that way.

I hope things get better for you. I know that it's usually not much fun talking to BM, but with kids involved there are times when it has to be done.

Take care
Alisha

Anne 8102's picture

Someone has to be the voice of reason and sometimes a stepparent can be that voice, especially since we have no vested interest in old arguments that date back to their marriage. My husband and his ex-wife cannot seem to speak calmly and rationally, but my husband does just fine with her husband and vice versa. I have been able to have a few civil conversations with her, but I just hang up if she gets ugly, whereas my husband has to fight back. Sometimes the two bioparents just cannot communicate and sometimes it can help to have a third party distribute routine info. But if he has a problem with it, then I guess you either have to find a way to reassure him and get him on board or just stop altogether. One thing I've always done is I never send anything or say anything to the ex that my husband hasn't seen or heard first, that way he has a head's up and will know what she's talking about if she calls him on something. Maybe you could try showing him her emails and your response first before you send it, that way he'll have been a part of it. If he just flat out doesn't want you to have any contact with her, there must be a reason. Maybe he knows something about her character that makes him uneasy that she's having contact with you. Maybe he thinks she's trying to manipulate you or something. Or maybe it just gives him the willies to have his current and his ex chatting. You know how men are! ;°)

~ Anne ~

Nymh's picture

The reason he doesn't want me talking to her is because she's psycho. She's stalked me, harrassed me, tried to get me fired from work, threatened my life, driven by my house at all hours, showed up at my house with her son to scream at me in front of him, taken pictures of me, followed me in cars, interrogated my friends, paid for info on me...the list goes on and on. He doesn't want me talking to her at all because he is convinced (and with good reason given past experience) that no matter how nice she pretends to be, it's all a ploy while she gathers information and plots her next vindictive attack.

I've tried including him on our conversations, but he just gets angry and very quickly loses his patience. He doesn't want to have anything to do with her, and even reading things that she's posted or said to me in emails makes him angry due to all that he's done to him and myself. I am much more patient (and optimistic) than he is. I didn't say forgiving, mind you!

My thing is...if we are co-parenting a child, in my opinion we NEED to have at least SOME communication with this woman. I think that once a month is even pushing it a little too long! I don't speak to her at all unless I know that she has some issues that need to be discussed and I know it will be a productive conversation. She calls him all the time to gripe about stupid crap and he ends up hanging up on her or being yelled at and hung up on when he asks how this relates to SS. THEY are completely incapable of having a productive and civil conversation, but that doesn't mean that I can't have one with her either! If she starts to stray off the subject or I think she's heading down an avenue that will end up in an argument, I just remind her that that's not the point of the conversation, she agrees, and we move on. I understand that there's a very real liklihood that this woman is plotting behind my back, thinking of her next move, digging for information with everything that I say...but she's still SS's mother and these conversations will have to happen somehow whether it's me or BF that does it!

GRR I just don't know what to do. I don't want this to continue to be a problem between me and BF. I don't know what to choose - talk to her anyway because he won't and suffer the negativity and trust issues from him; or not talk to her and risk missing out on important information or parenting updates.

HELP!!!

Candice's picture

My dad comes over to my house, and he helps us with chores around our house that he enjoys doing, like taking care of the garbage and recycling (my dad is a huge environmentalist, and we believe in recycling-but with such busy lives probably wouldn't do it w/o my dad). He sometimes is here at my house when my ss is here after school, which I really like b/c if my dad is here, my ss can't sneak friends (like a girlfriend) in the house and do things he shouldn't be doing.

Last year, my dad thought it would be a good idea to get ss to do chores around the house. And these weren't chores he normally didn't do, they were chores that got done before we got home. In some ways it was nice b/c ss is really lazy and this kept him moving instead of putting dents in our couch, but in the long run it created a lot of friction in the household, and stepped on my dh's toes. While my dad had nothing but the best of intentions for my marriage, he unknowingly created friction between me and my husband by enforcing chores on my ss. And again, it wasn't the chores, it was the fact that my dad was getting to it before my dh could, and that was what bothered my dh.

Sometimes people just want to take care of their business themselves. Your bf knows that you only have good intentions for him and his son, but what he also knows is that it is not a good idea to be too optimistic for his ex. He is protecting his relationship with you by asking you to not communicate with his ex. He has intimate inside information about his ex, that you will never understand, and he knows that the ex has nothing but bad intentions for you, and he doesn't want you getting sucked in by the ex, only to have had something bad done to you. He probably looks at it like he is protecting your safety, and if you ignore his requests, he can't protect you.

Also, have you ever been in a situation where you tried and tried to accomplish something, and you couldn't, and then a person just walks in the room, and takes one try at accomplishing what you have been doing for the last two days, and they get it the first shot? Do you know how frustrated you get when that happens? Your bf might feel like he is in that situation and hee might feel defeated in some ways that he cannot communicate with his son's mother about his son's needs, but you can. Sometimes parents get real protective about their kids, and they want to do the "parenting" themselves, and maybe you being so successful at communicating make him feel a little defeated.

I learned something pretty valuable last week. My therapist told me that I am way too optimistic for dh's ex (you know expecting that since we are the same age, that one day she will grow up and actually act her age, and possibly..just possibly become a responsible parent?!). And let me tell you, I am routinely dissappointed in our bm, and it causes me a great deal of stress and resentment. Unfortunately that resentment spills over into my relationship with my dh for a couple of days...until I can calm down, and then have a reasonable discussion with dh.

You probably should not be so optimistic about the positive effects of communicating with a psycho ex, or about how beneficial it will be in your families future. Remember something, we all know your bm is literally psycho, and pyscho people don't play by the rules...they expect you to, then when they do something absolutely horrific, they blame you for being alive...

If you bf asks you to not communicate with bm, I think it's okay to respect his wishes and discontinue, and let him do all the communicating. You never know, maybe one day he will see the difference you created by openly communicating ss with her, that he might find value in it, and ask you to do it.

Don't beat yourself up over this, we all do things with good intentions not knowing how others receive it. It's not totally uncommon for one bio to speak to a step, so I don't think you were totally out of line to try...

I hope this makes you feel better Nymh, you sound really sad over this. Here is a HUG for you Smile

clynn82's picture

I would tread water very cautiously here. It reminds me of a saying my Grandmother use to say, "Keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer." Be Careful, because truly you just don't know what her motives are.

lovin-life's picture

May I suggest e-mail or letter as the ONLY means of communication with her.. It just helps keep the lid on the games that start by having contact with her...it has to stop for the crap to stop once and for all. That's just my opinion, Nymh.

As, far the the BF goes...don't be too upset..you've been mad at him before and got over it...he'll get over being mad at you, too. But now you all know what the expectations are...and that's a good thing, right....

I have to say thought...don't take offense..but to me...
It seems like you crave contact with her as much as she craves contact with you.....I don't understand why YOU find excuses to talk to her or why YOU want to take on the role of 'communicator' with her especially when it contridicts your BF's wishes, advice and judgement?

I don't understand....why you would continue to deal with such a vial, hurtful, crazy woman.....especially when you don't have to. I really don't think its' healthy! I'm sorry....

Nymh's picture

Because, if I am supposed to be a part of the raising of her son, I believe that we all should be on the same page. BF won't communicate with her, so how are we supposed to get parenting updates? I don't crave contact with her. Like I said, nowadays it's only about once a month and only then when I know that it will be a civil and productive conversation. I avoid all contact with her otherwise. I don't make excuses to talk to her. I just don't understand how we're collectively supposed to raise a child together if no one communicates at all with his mother. I don't WANT the role of communicator, but BF won't do it either. I would gladly ignore her forever if he would just do it himself.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

lovin-life's picture

I'm not saying don't ever exchange information ever...that won't work ...but you can get parenting updates through e-mail or letters....

AS far as 'raising a child together' with this woman.....I understand what your saying..but how far do you go with that. How realistic is that expectation of co-operation with her and are you better off backing off....given the way things are.

In a perfect world, dealing with 'sane' people.....yes, working together and being on the same page is the 'ideal' but the world doesn't end if your not on the same page with an x or an X's spouse.

I say that because of my own experiences...hubby's kids were older so there was no need to communicate with his x on child rearing matters..but even in my case. We are sometimes on the same page for things..but we disagreed on so many things when married..children issues being one...what level of co-operation can we expect to have now. His rules in his house...my rules in my house. The idea of us 'being on th same page' just isn't realistic, in many cases

And we're all civil to each other.
I mean, there's a restraining orders between you guys!
It's a very TOXIC interaction with her...expecially verbal interaction.

I'm just asking...Would an e-mail only communication policy be so bad...given the circumstances?

To me..there wouldn't be a second thought..as to whether or not to go behind my SO's back regarding HIS child..to speak to HIS X. I think your role is to support him....not undermine him...and I think that's how he'll see it...and be more upset at you.

She's just not worth it!

Have you ever tried....NOT being the communicater....? I mean for an extended period of time...like 3 months or 6 months. IF so what happened.? If not....

What's the worst thing that you think will happen?

I hope you don't think I'm picking on you..
I'm not picking on you...or critsizing you.
I'm just pointing out things from a different perspective..

I'm just asking these questions ..because I don't think it's healthy for you to deal with such a TOXIC person. She takes up so much of your energy and I think your great and deserve to happy and not have so much crap in your life...that's all! Smile

Nymh's picture

We don't speak on the phone. All of these conversations have been over the internet. I don't speak to her without good documentation!

Maybe it's not possible for us all to stay on the same page. I realize that BF will probably never have interest in speaking to BM about these things, but if it's going to cause problems in our relationship then I don't want to either. We've been talking a lot on this site about putting the relationship first. Yeah, we may have to spend a little more time parenting him ourselves if we're not on the same page with her, but that's not worth creating problems in OUR relationship with each other.

It's going to be really hard but I guess I can let it go for the sake of our relationship! Smile

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Enuffsenuff's picture

You are right--while coparenting you have to talk at least some--as much as I hate it. I see hubby's point, but I also feel you did the right thing. By not talking to her she could even bring that up in court--that she's tried to "work" with you and she's been ignored.

If it was me I would just be careful what I said--and I"m sure you did--keep the conversation about your Skid only and not let it go any further. At least it looks like you are working together and not ignoring issues with skid.

Hope everything works out.
Alisha

Nymh's picture

I really still don't know what to think. I'd like to think that there was some sort of compromise so that these issues could be discussed but it wouldn't cause problems between me and BF. Maybe she and he could communicate via email and leave me out of it. That way he could leave her messages for a time that he's able to comprehend and respond to them without getting angry like he does on the phone, and I don't have to be in the middle.

This is so frustrating. I wish there was an easy solution. I wish BF would just do it himself! lol

*~So sayeth Nymh~*