The Clothing Wars
2ndclasscitizen's recent post got me to thinking about the psychology behind why BM's always throw a fit and make such huge drama over the skid's clothing. It seems so childish to us for them to go apesh*t when we do something that seems so simple like washing the skid's clothes. Our SS's BM insists that all clothes come home with him to her house - even clothes that we buy. I think that by doing these things, the BM's are trying to make sure the kids "understand" that the NCP's house is just somewhere they go to "visit" but that they really LIVE at BM's house. You don't keep clothes at a hotel. You bring just enough for your stay and you take them home with you when you leave. This is further reinforced by the fact that every time we've bought any sort of clothes for SS, be it underwear or socks or anything, BM always DEMANDS that he bring them home with him. She pulls the "it's unfair to SS" card, stating that we shouldn't make him feel like he must keep certain things at our house and not bring them home. She accuses us of trying to give SS incentives to want to come to our house. However, these things - things that WE BUY for SS - never return with SS when he comes for future visits. I know most all of you have likely gone through something similar.
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Clothes
I sure wouldn't feel obligated to send clothes to Bm's house that you bought for ss unless that was your intent in the first place.
Personally, I've been marking ss's clothes that we have here ever since he was little. I started out using Dh's initials now I use ss's. This is mainly because Bm would send ss here in really crappy clothes(too small or with holes or not weather appropriate). Then I would have to send him back in decent clothes from our house. Months would pass and we would never get any of the clothes back. Sometimes he would outgrow them before we could get them back. Bm could never tell the difference between any of the clothes. She now relies on the initials that I put in the clothes to tell them apart. I don't mark socks as they are cheap to replace. Also, we buy all of ss's shoes, jackets, and coats so I don't have mark them because Bm doesn't have any. Of course, Bm doesn't have to put initials in the clothes that she bought because I'm very organized and have a special bin in ss's closet where all of those clothes go so ss knows what's what.
Still to this day, Bm doesn't want to get ss clothes that fit and now since ss lives with us most of the time, Bm hardly puts out any money towards ss's upkeep and I'll be darned if I'm going to supply her with clothes for him when he's at her house. She can get clothes for him for there and wash them herself.
Now, is ss ever gets to the age when he just wants one set of clothes and he keeps track of them, then things will change. Also, if ss needs something special that Bm won't buy, ss can call us and get it from here as long as it comes back.
So I guess I can relate the the initials in the clothes thing. I'm sure that Bm had a lot of complaints(and still does I'm sure) about us always bugging for the clothes back.
Dawn
I understand
I understand where you're coming from. I think a major shift in our clothing policy is going to happen when we move into our new house. We are going to have a lot more room and SS will have his own closet. I am going to try to encourage BF to get a dresser for SS and hangers for his closet so that we can start stocking him with clothes that stay at our house. If BM doesn't like it, tough. Then we can just tell BM to not worry about sending extra clothes with him because he has plenty at our house. She tries to use the excuse that SS is "allergic to a lot of detergents," but we use the same detergent that she does now. Even when we didn't, SS never had any trouble sleeping on our sheets or using our towels which were all washed in detergent that BM claimed he was allergic to. I think the only reason she said that was because she knew that was the detergent we used.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
clothing
was the biggest deal for the BM, she insisted BFs son had clothing that had to go right back to her house, and many times if something of BFs accidently went with him, we never saw it again. the clothing situation got worse as BM would start 'forgetting' to bring a bag of clothing, so BFs son would have to go home in the clothes he got at BFs house. we drew the line when BFs mom witnessed when picking up the son that they were giving him dirty clothes just so they would get washed when he stayed with his dad...GROSS! (bm was living with some scum BF at the time, and their home was a dirty mess)
Control & Craziness
This is one of those things that used to drive both me and DH absolutely apes@#t as well with the BM. We used to fight about it all the time.
DH would go out and buy the girls VERY expensive clothes. A LOT of them, even though all three went to Catholic school and wore school uniforms (Guilt Parenting calling on line 2!) And of course the girls would want to take them to BMs house, since they were living in a 50/50 situation.
Well, once the clothes went over to the other house, 9 times out of 10 we never saw them again. Then the girls would complain that they had nothing to wear. Then it would be angry phone calls to BM to return the items and she never would. Then it would be angry emails and threatening letters with attorneys involved, etc. Then the girls would cry to us to go out and buy them more clothes since BM refused to bring over their things and they had nothing to wear. Drama- Drama-Drama.
And of course, in the end, nothing changed. And to top it all off, in the RARE occasion that BM actually did buy something for the girls, it was NEVER allowed over to our house. And if it did by mistake come over, she would drive out of her way to the house and angrily come and pick it up from them. And that still happens to this day- NOTHING from her house is allowed at our house.
Today, our lives are much more peaceful in that respect. DH and I just don't care anymore. We let the girls take whatever they want to BMs. After all, it IS THEIR STUFF. The difference today is:
*we do not get involved in the argument of "I don't have anything to wear" anymore. We know they have clothes. They are just at BMs house. Call your BM and have her bring them over if you need something or remember to pack it next time. Or better yet, leave some of the things WE bought you here.
*we do not entertain any arguments between BM & the girls about their clothes. Period. If they have problems with their BM, they can deal with her- we stay out of it. We bought them the clothes and fulfilled our obligation. What happenes after that is not our problem!
Now I know that this is much easier because the girls are now older, but let me tell you all- the sooner you can give up this particular battle, the sooner you can save SOME of your sanity. You have NO IDEA the screaming matches that DH and I used to have with BM over this issue, and in the end SHE NEVER CHANGED HER BEHAVIOR.
But we did. And we're living much happier now (at least on this front).
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
been there
From the start my ex and I agreed he would supply clothes for our BD7 at his house and I would at mine. Generally, whatever she leaves in she comes back in the same outfit. Granted when she comes home in stuff from his house, its dirty, too big or too small, not weather appropriate. My ex just told me yesterday that he does not know what size she wears. Hmmmm, ever thought of looking at the tags of her clothes?
My DH and his ex have the same agreement by my suggestion. FSS is only 9 months old and we just started getting him for overnights. The first time we had him for a week, BM asked if he needed clothes and I told her all we need is him.
I think it is not unreasonable to have clothes at both houses. What is the weather changes, what if the kid gets sick and needs a new outfit, what if, what if, what if...you get the picture. Kids are kids and things happen.
My soon to be ex mil
does the SAME thing. She has clothes just for her house. She won't let us pack clothes for the kids, she immediately takes the kids out of the clothes we send them in and sticks them in something of hers. Then we get them back in the same clothes we brought them in...if we do buy chance pack extra clothes we NEVER see them again. Its creepy.