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Sorry I'm such s blog hog but now I'm posting as a bm

nunya1983's picture

So last night I was talking to my sister and dh was joining in the conversion. My sister's middle child is starting kindergarten this year. And I was reminiscing about when dd (now 11) started kindergarten, she cried ever single morning when I walked her to school. Keep in mind she's always been high anxiety. She literally would cry every morning having a hysterical break down for about half the year. One of the teacher aids hated me by the end of the year. Every morning when I was saying goodbye I'd hug her, tell her have a good day, tell her she was going to have fun with her friends, that she had to go, that is see her after work. Later on in the year she began only wearing 2 or 3 outfits, that all looked the same. If I made her wear something else, she would have a complete break down screaming and crying, hyperventilating. It was too much. I never kept her home from school, but I'd walk her into the building. But I food continue to let her wear the 3 outfits that all looked the same.

Dh tells me and my sister I coddled her that I should have just dropped get off and let her cry. But it wasn't just crying, it was totally breaking down. His opinion is that she just needs to get over it. But that isn't the way anxiety and OCD work. You don't just get over it. Am I wrong? Should I have just left her? Should i have forced her to change? Did I coddle?

It's not that we had an argument, I just don't think I coddled, I just want to know what unbiased people think.


nunya1983's picture

Dh and I weren't together when dd was in kindergarten. It was in the middle of her being in 1st grade.

But anytime something new came up, she'd always have a breakdown, begin screaming and crying. I hated that these panic attacks began so young for her

nunya1983's picture

I didn't, but I know that she has true anxiety and ocd. These were a few of the first signs. I usually just try to be patient and give her plenty of time to adjust to new situations. She doesn't do well with change and and conflict. She's extremely intelligent and understood her anxiety was irrational, she just couldn't "get over it". But she does see a therapist. I am going to try getting her into a psychiatrist soon. She's still not doing very well during changes... we haven't had many changes (a few but not many) since I've taken her to her the therapist, so it's hard to tell if it was actually helping. When she's not having anxiety attacks she's a normal child. You'd never know anything.

nunya1983's picture

Back when she was like this all of my family tried to get her to wear doesn't clothes, she ended up having so many clothes that she'd never wear (everyone thought I wasn't doing it right lol) my mother took her to the store told her to pick something she'd actually wear). My sister took her to the store and told her she cam only pick something she'd wear, otherwise she'll never take her to the store again. Id already done this, so by the time all this went on, she had so many clothing items it was insane. She still only wore the original clothes she had, she tried to wear the other ones but she'd end up panicking(I even tried bagging up the clothes and "throwing it away" she flipped out hyperventilating screaming crying couldn't move, she totally panicked). I told her I'd take her to school naked, I drug her to the door even. Nothing would work... I gave in and gave her the clothes. Told her to put them on and let's go... it was horrible, eventually I said, why am I doing this, what harm is it that she wears clothes that all look identical? I don't care! The next year my sister told me the teacher felt bad for me because she thought those were the only clothes she had! Lmao, I laughed so hard emailed the teacher that dd in fact had a complete walk in closet full of clothes! I look back on this and think how was I coddling her? Should I just allow her to panick? That surely can't be good for a child. Maybe a child that has no emotional psychological disorder, but not for a child with severe anxiety, and not so young.

Snowflake's picture

I agree with another poster that it sounds very much like she is on the autism spectrum. If she is you may wish to get her tested so you can find ways to help her cope with changes as she becomes a teenager and adult.

Jsmom's picture

I think you handled it fine, but, you probably made it go on longer than necessary. My BS20 was this way but a little different. He would have a meltdown if we didn't do all the same steps to do drop off at Montessori. Had to start all over or the melt down was epic. I did it every day and probably fed into it. But, I just wanted to get him there and get to the office.

Fast forward and he has a little OCD that has served him well with his education and a research project replicating stem cells. He has traveled all over Europe this summer and was the one of five that made all the plans and because of that they went to 11 countries in 3 months on the weekends while knocking out 4 classes in France. A little OCD can be a good thing. Works well for me in my career. She is not autistic, she is probably gifted and her mind processes a little differently.

nunya1983's picture

My dd loves school and can't wait for middle school, thanks. I do admit I'm worried about her having a panick attack before getting on the bus. I am trying to get her into a psychiatrist to see if they might be able to prescribe something for if she does break down.

I do hey what you are saying. I do agree that many times men get torn down for coddling their kids on here. But please I came to ask. .. what should I have done

nunya1983's picture

Well everyone has a right to their opinions. I put it all out there, if they feel my case is different, they also know she had an official legitimate diagnosis of anxiety and ocd.she is in therapy for it, as well as looking to step up the game and take her to a psychiatrist. I still made her go to school. I just wanted to make sure that I didn't leave her in the middle of a panick attack.

Glassslipper's picture

Sounds like a normal seperation anxiety to me, appropriate for her age, but hey, what do I know, only have one degree in child development.
Doesn't sound like excessive coddling to me, I would have done the same if i knew them what I know now.
DH rocked SD to bed EVERY NIGHT! till she was 2! Wish I would have taken the time to do the same with mine!
Babies are babies and you should enjoy moment and it seems you did what you thought was best. No harm in that!
SD dis the same with her clothes started after the divorce, still does and she is 10! It's a control issue, she cant control what was happen with her parents arguing, changing homes, ect. Controling what she wore was the ONLY thing she had control of, taking that away from her would make her feel out of control in a big world she doesn't understand. Better to let them have something to control if it helps them feel in control of a new changing world.

nunya1983's picture

She has an extensive wardrobe now and she wears every single item in her closet, as well as pays for most of her own clothing. The only time I purchase her clothes are on birthdays, Christmas, or for the first day of school, and I'm talking about a pair of shorts or pants and 2 or 3 shirts and shoes if necessary.

And please, since she has documented diagnosed anxiety and OCD, how should I have handled this differently? At that time? So that if she does do this when she starts middle school, I will have it under control.

Also, thank you for your concern, I am actually in the process of trying to get her into a psychiatrist as she is having panick attacks still about other things. Her panick attacks are not just simple boohooing she gets dizzy and her extremities get numb and tingling, she gets shaky, her tongue feels swollen, her back gets ridged, she can't take full breaths.

It's gone from starting kindergarten, to the clothes, to that's she washed her hands so much and sanitized then with hand sanitizer that they've gotten red swollen and cracking, to she can't touch anything that has been recently cleaned with chemicals (bleach, lysol, windex). Actually even before the kindergarten thing she couldn't have her flatware touch the table, if they did she had to have new flatware. Each thing lasted a few months before the new thing started, the longest was the clothes thing. Since the chemical thing, she really hasn't picked up any new anxiety. She just has the separation anxiety still. She can't make herself spend the night at s friend's house, she can't make herself go to summer camp. As much as I told dh it would be a stupid idea, we all tried. I would talk about how much fun it would be. Anytime she was having a panick attack over it, I'd talk her down from it, several times she thanked me for making her feel better. In the end, she couldn't do it. She was so mad at herself for it. She cried because she let herself down.

nunya1983's picture

No, he will literally have to jump through hips to get any visitation #1,and at that point, he will only get supervised visits at a facility with a police officer. But he doesn't even know about this daughter.... he left before I even knew I was pregnant, like 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

Disneyfan's picture

What about his family? Surely some of them know about both kids.

Never say never. If he meets a woman willing to help him get his life together,he may do a 180. If he does, he will be able to work his way up to unsupervised visits. With a strong woman in his corner and an excellent lawyer, anything is possible.

That poor child would not do well with a SM.

nunya1983's picture

No, none, all his family is in Mexico, he'd first have to establish legal US residence. He's not even on dd11s birth certificate. He's got 2 other kids about the same age as dds. 3 kids (at minimum) in Mexico. I was 18 when I hooked up with him, 19 when I had oldest dd, 20 when I had youngest dd. Haven't seen/heard from him since dd 12 was about 3 months old. Dds are 11 and 12, for him to establish residence, clean up his life, go to supervised visits, fight for (because I won't just give in, after his violent attacks and not been in dds life what so ever) for 13 years (at least). The dds will be adults I'm sure.

nunya1983's picture

He was an illegal resident, he went under a fake name, got bailed out of jail for abuse on me, fled the country, after he fled he was wanted for using fake social security numbers and names. He hasn't called/sent cards/seen oldest dd since she was about 3 months old.

Disneyfan's picture

Having a diagnosis would not make a difference if a SM posted about the child you descibed.

There are kids posted about here with legitimate issues and they are crucified for the way they behave. Their parents are vilified for the way they parent them.

DS23 is as "normal" as they come. I coddled and spoiled him because I wanted to not because there was anything wrong with him. He was a great kid who has grown into a mature,productive adult.

No regrets here. Now I'm sure plenty of posters here would take issue with the way I raised him. But who cares? We all get to decide how we parent our kids.

I think forcing kids to live in a house that is more like a museum than a home is nuts. I think never laying on bed with your kid to watch a movie or Saturday morning cartoon is sad. I think not spending at least one day of vacation just following your kid's lead is sad.

nunya1983's picture

Um, no, I never went into a verbal tirade over the artwork. I went into a verbal tirade because of her complete lack of respect for anyone. Sorry that you had the confusion on that post. She truly has no respect for anyone, and it extended to my mother's house. I could care less about the art work, but it was just another thing that bothers me is how her lack of respect for anyone extends to her artwork as well. She literally couldn't care less about anyone, and it shows. But what I went off on her about was the way she treats everyone, and how my mother doesn't want to see her mistreat her grandchildren. Was it right? No, I shouldn't have done it, but I never brought up her artwork to her, nobody said anything about her artwork to her.

nunya1983's picture

I'm not saying that I was right for it, I was merely saying it wasn't at all about the paper bag, some people really truly thought it was all over the paper bag... I was just making a clarification.

Being in a bad mood doesn't give people the right to be like that though. Making short comments, sure, but just being pain mean and hateful? No. One thing my mom taught me when my kids were babies, "even though they don't feel good, gives them no right to hit you" being said of my 18 month old who had a double ear infection with a 103 fever. Was she right? Yes! Just because you are in a bad mood, you shouldn't treat people badly.

Kind of hypocritical coming from me since I blew up on her, I know. I know I was wrong. I admit that. I apologized, she has begun to forgive me, and we are working on that.

BethAnne's picture

I had an ex with ocd. He never received any treatment as a child, he's not even sure if his parents realize now that he has it. As he got older he helped himself cope with the ocd and at one point when we were together and he felt himself getting worse he went to see a therapist. He said that the therapist really helped him. He functions very well and you probably wouldn't notice his ocd these days unless he told you about it. He was a bit of a late bloomer, but is doing very well for himself now. As much as it was hell for him there a few minor positives to his ocd, once he has a goal in mind, he is very determined and focused to meeting it.

I am very glad that your daughter is receiving treatment and not going through these things alone, thinking that she is crazy. One of the reasons my ex did some of his childhood rituals was because otherwise he feared his friends and family would get ill or be cursed. That is a huge burden for a child to carry alone.

Who cares what happened years ago. Your daughter survived, she knew through out that time that you loved her and she eventually improved. You did what you knew best and made it work for your situation. All parents are just making it up as they go along and you did what you felt was needed. Now that you have a therapist working with her they can help guide how you handle her anxiety attacks and her rituals.

nunya1983's picture

Right now her OCD drives her to achieve high goals, she gets straight A's, she's the high Achiever in her sport. She's the "ideal student" according to her teachers. She is a HUGE stickler for following the rules, making straight A's. She is going to middle school with all pre-AP classes. But at the same time, when she gets in a stressful situation, she gets tics. When big changes occur, she starts panicking. When something isn't just right she freaks out. As long as everything is running normally you would have no clue that she has ocd or anxiety.

nunya1983's picture

I'm hoping to not have to put her on a CR (controlled release) because she won't need something all the time. She is 100% normal 90%of the time, it's the 10% of the time she will need something.

nunya1983's picture

I'm going to have top look this up, dds therapist has done a few different techniques, it may just be that I need to change our therapist because she isn't helping and we've been with her for quite a while. It's hard to tell if it's working until we ate going through changes and she starts having panic attacks.

Thanks for the info Wink

Disneyfan's picture

But the same can be said for all parents. They all do what they think is best for their children.
They try to meet their needs the best way they know how. Do we all get it right each and every time? Of course not.

I don't think there's a parent here who would not have made the same choices Nunya made.

However, we know darn well the responses would not be the same if a poster blogged about this situates as a SM instead of a BM.

nunya1983's picture

I think for the most part, I've always received advice about SD, when I post about my frustrations, that are pretty much on the same side as they do on this post.

If I told dd she didn't have to go to school, or if I had just given in, or if dd had no psychological handicaps, I think they would have posted different.

I tried to just pay very factually and not emotionally, to keep it non biased. Even posters that typically bash me are agreeing with me, maybe telling me to use the same compassion with SD, but tell me I did right with dd.

nunya1983's picture

Thank you, and thank you to everyone else who Gave me advice as well as things I may need to hear, even if it may be hard. I will all about these things mentioned here, aspergerers, cbt, and how to better handle her emotional break downs... I will have a journal ready, when I take dd to the new doctor, with questions and plenty of room for notes. I truly want to do what's best for my kids, and as a human I am prone to making mistakes, I'm always willing to admit it, someone's it requires some self reflection. But I hope to do a better job every day. I appreciate everyone's input in this matter, even if I don't agree, I appreciate it.