the thing that sticks out to me is ur Dh saying handle it or move on...OUCH. what is HE doing to make the situation better for not just u but for the whole family??? yes, BM will prob always ne a bitch but he can try to make it better and saying taht to u shows me that u and ur daughter will never be first and he will always let her play him like this and not do anything about it. i would seriously decide if u want to be w a man who doesnt back u up and try to work w u to make it better. im so sorry u are in thsi situation..good luck...and hugs

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

Sounds like he needs to grow a pair. My Dh was the same way when we first got married, I honestly think he was "scared" of her and didn't want to confront her. Eventually, he grew a pair and told her to go to hell. She stills stirs shit all the time, but I think I have learned to let it go and not worry about it. Both Sd's eventually moved back in w/her and BOTH of their lives are now in the crapper. It used to bother me a lot about that, but I have my own boys to worry about, and honestly, our home is a much more peaceful place w/out them there. Sad, but true. Get some counseling for yourself as well. You need to be able to deal with this step parent stuff before you end up very resentful.
Welcome to the site!! Good luck!

First let me welcome you, and say I am sorry that you are feeling this way.
From my experience, DHs don't react like us cause they have already lived/dealt with these women for far longer than us- they have had time to build an immunity to their BS- as we are just wondering why these BMs aren't acting responsible or are so vindictive and trying to figure out why they are like this- - it took me a long time before I finally realized-There is no reason where logic does not exist- and it's true- we think logically as adults should and sometimes we forget that not everybody does(BMs- or others really).
I was also fighting with DH about BM on and off for years- it was frustrating but what I really wanted from him was for him to understand where I was coming from and why I felt these ways, we finally learned to communicate alot better- I stopped expecting him to know what I needed and started to figure out that much on my own and then talk to him about it.
In our case BM is really still an irresponsible, deadbeat, selfish B, but i can't change her so I decided to change how I react to her for the most part and with that I took away her power to frustrate me, piss me off, ruin even one more minute of my life- I do still get suprised sometimes by her actions, and disgusted alot but by me trying to figure out how to make things better, or why she was this way- I wasted alot of my time and energy.
Do what you do, keep records and reciepts for every dime you give her,every thing you spend on medical, all things she says in case she pulls something,and try not to give her that company she wants while she's miserable.

didnt say that before bc i was so mad FOR u! glad youre here though...this site will be your savior!

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

I think that luvdagirl hit the nail on the head. Our H is so use to the BM crap that they can let it roll but we are not and it tears us up and when you think about it if BM knew it tore us up as bad as it did she would jump for joy cause she is causing rift btw you and your H.I commend and am envious of the time you have with your skids and yes boy howdy does it hurt and bother knowing what you do for those kids and then have their BM talk trash about you when you don't have to do anything for them. Head up young person let BM's crap roll off your back like water. yes that is easier said than done but remember if she were not so unhappy she would not be causing the crap she does! On another note how did SS do when he moved in full time with you and H?

You said something that really registered with me.

"...he is tired of me obsessing about her all of the time-he is tired of hearing me bitch about her. That I just need to ignore her."

I think even with a super supportive DH (which I'm lucky enough to have) who doesn't come right out and say what your did to you, I can see it register on his face every now and then when I'm venting, more so about SD than BM. With BM he has equal anger to mine, so he would chime in if I vented.

With SD, he agrees and agrees and agrees, and then, if I have been venting to him "too much" he gets angry. Not AT me per say, but he's ticked and I can see it in his face. It's his daughter. And I am so fortunate that he accepts my thoughts on her illness without being defensive, but sometimes he just can't hear one more thing that she's done to me. OR he will go and ream her out in an unhealthy way that accomplishes nothing except her getting more upset with me over him yelling at her.

I just think what your DH said illustrates how men handle stress, especially emotional/relationship stress by ignoring it, or compartmentalizing it, and most women can't. We just can't handle unresolved issues like they seem to. I'm not saying that there way is better, I personally don't think it is. BUT one thing they can do better is let go of it when they want to. For instance when I'm super stressed I keep going on and on about it, if not out loud then I'm having an internal dialog that I'm keeping to myself to keep from upsetting him.

But in his brain? If something more interesting is going on, like sports, or entertaining friends, or playing with the kids, then he completely turns off the part of his brain that's irritated with BM or SD or BS 13, etc.

I sure wish I could do that. I do think it's healthier to be able to stop obsessing.

I've only been able to do it the past month because SD has been out of town with my BIL and SIL. I am so concerned about what it will be like when she comes back.

I'm already trying to come up with some structured time and a game plan to keep her busy/tired/stimulated enough not to get into trouble for when she returns.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

to me that you're doing a really great job. However, you let this woman push your buttons. She told your sk's to shower everyday at your house. This upset you. While it is insulting, is it really worth taking offense to? Is it really worth all the energy? Is SHE worth it? It sounds as if she's playing an immature game, & since you have your hands full, you've got better things to do. And how frustrating it would be for her to try to push your buttons & fail! (HAHA!! I love doing that to mean people.) I think what you need to ask yourself is...

...Is this silly woman worth your marriage?

If there is one thing I can't stand, it's someone telling me what to do when I didn't even ask for their help to begin with. Well, my mother is that person. I think moms tend to do that already, but my mom is pretty bossy. I'm bossy too, so I know where I get it from. I know our situations are different... when it's your own mom, you have a little more patience. What I've learned to do is just smile & nod... and then do whatever the hell I want. It's easier said than done, but most times it works. If you need to have a genuine smile, just picture yourself choking her while keeping your words sweeter than honey. It might help.

In the past 11 years, I have been a homewrecker- the reason he left them, a b*tch, slut, BM accused me of sleeping around tried to convince DH and SD of it, my son was SDs "replacement"(awfully cruel thing to say to a four year old!), I have had to prove myself a trillion times over to everyone, now I realize- BMS OPINION DOESN'T MATTER- I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR HER OR IT, after all she's done SD has minimal respect for her- loves her but respect no.
BM tried to make this a competition as she felt threatened, theres no way to change how she felt- I know I did not try to make her feel this way and it was her insecurities- she nit picked every thing I did as a parent, gf, wife and employee(she didn't like my job- although tried to get the same job later)because she wanted to think she was doing something better than me- let her think what ever makes her happy- you KNOW you are a good parent and step, you are a good wife(hell you are here to get help with this situation and that says alot) and you don't need her approval to reinforce this for you- you have DHs, and yourself- most importantly!

There is no reason where logic does not exist