You are here

In tears already...Help.

smproblems's picture

I wrote my first blog yesterday. I'm so upset - today DH is going to go get SS (almost 4) after work. I dislike my SS so much. It use to not be so bad. However, SS is also at the age where he fights on everything. He doesn't want to listen to anyone. Especially me, he throws toys and breaks them on purpose. He hits, bites & yells all the time. He is a repeat offender on saying NO. DH and I work on it and he tells SS he has to listen to me and respect me. We have very simple house rules. He is a smart kid, he just knows how to play the system. I love my DH so much and we had a baby together. Our LO is only 3 mths. I am a SAHM right now while LO is a baby. I'm so thankful for that but unfortunately that means when we have SS I am also stuck at home with this ungrateful person. He literally will purposely break a toy and tell me he is going to tell dad to just buy him a new one. Because BM always just buys him a new toy everytime he breaks one. She works all the time & SS is always bounced around when "she has him". I'm laying in bed right now with LO and I'm just crying my eyes out because I just can't stand when SS is here and my DH isn't the one really spending a lot of time with him. I understand he works and I stay at home but I just don't want to spend the time with him. I'd much rather him come on Fridays and leave Sunday night. Because the time is for DH & SS not me and SS. We have never really fully gotten along. We suspect it's bc BM tells him to not listen to me and I'm not his mom. Which I don't want to be. I've never been comfortable with the term SM. I always introduce DH's son as just that. I'm nice to SS. I make sure he has healthy food, clean clothes and I buy him things. Well we buy him a lot of stuff. But, just because I care about him eating healthy and wearing clean clothes is basic feelings I'd have for any child. I don't like being around him. I'm dreading the hours as they disappear. What do I do? Is there a magic medication that will make me feel less stressed and not so depressed that he is going to be here? I feel like such a bad person because I love my DH and my DH literally makes me feel like a queen. I feel so guilty because I haven't said anything to DH because I don't want to hurt his feelings. 

Comments

tog redux's picture

It's not your job to watch his poorly behaved kid, and it's unfair that he agrees to BM sending him over whenever she pleases. Put your foot down that he's not there unless DH is there to parent him. 

smproblems's picture

He doesn't agree to her just sending him over whenever. We do currently live 2 hours away in a rural town. We have one daycare that I use to work at and they go off a system of. The child has to be present so much during the week to keep their spot.  DH does parent and tell SS to respect and listen and he does get on to him and when home on Saturday and Sunday. He does all the parenting and I take care of LO not because he doesn't want to but LO is my safety net and I feel better being around him and caring for him. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

"DH, NO. Your child is unruly, and until you can parent that out of him, I will NOT be responsible for him. If you want him while you work, then you need to put him in daycare. I will not babysit him."

Your DH needs to figure out how to get him to behave in your home. Part of this is age and going back and forth between homes with different rules. At 4, it's hard enough to follow just one set of rules, much less two, ESPECIALLY when the other set of rules rewards poor behavior.

Aside from telling SS he has to be nice and respectful, what does he do to get SS to behave? Take away toys? Time out? Your DH needs a reward-and-consequence system put in place for SS, and he needs to enforce it.

It's time to start putting your foot down with DH. 

smproblems's picture

Yes DH does take away toys, time out and talks to him. He hardly ever spank him. Due to his mom, she is just very quick to spanking without talking or explaining to him the reason for it. He is a smart kid so he knows but we suspect she doesn't tell him "no, stop that" she just goes right to spanking. DH does try really hard to parent the bad behavior out. We both always stick to what we tell him. I'm a 3 and done. If I have to tell him 3 times something I take away a toy which is typically his tablet. He has also recently started throwing major fits. It's so annoying and stressful. I know he does a lot of it for attention. I don't know how to bring up to DH I don't want to watch his Son. 

Mominit's picture

No it is not your job to watch his first born.

But depending on finances you may or may not be able to afford a sitter.  And it's not BM's job to cover Dad's slack.  If they have an agreement that SS goes to Dad's on x,y,z days, then their financial agreement likely follows it.  So Dad needs to figure out how to pay for a babysitter, or surrender that time and the associated support that goes with it.  That's the cold hard financial part with no sensitivity to the relationship between DH and his son.

If on the other hand, part of the reason you are able to stay at home with your newborn is because DH is paying all the bills, affording you this time in which you do NOT have to put your newborn into child care (think of how THAT would impact you!), then perhaps telling DH to shove it is not the most appropriate recourse.  A four year old can be a terrorist, but with time and a firm hand you can instill the discipline you want him to have in your home for the rest of the 14 years you will be putting up with each other.  Get them while they're young, and you have a chance.  Try to raise them past the age of 9 and you're tilting at windmills!

As long as DH backs you up that when the little guy breaks a toy, a new toy does not replace it.  Not one from BMs house, not one from your budget.  He goes the rest of the week with fewer toys because he broke one.  Or possibly the rest of the month!  Reward good behaviour, punish bad behaviour and remember - he's just a four year old child.  As a general rule, once they know they are NOT in charge, they are happier.

If you have the money for a babysitter, perhaps it will give you the time you need.  But unless you have him full time, you seem to already have lots of one on one time with your wee one.  I assume you two talked about this before you decided to have a baby and stay home.  And that you may have agreed to take care of the little one while he continued to work.  The reality is turning out to be less than sunshine and rainbows, but your little one is here.  It's not fair to just say you're not doing your part unless the two of you have the money to make it a reality.  If DH is paying all the bills so that you can stay home with your together child, perhaps helping with his eldest child is something you can do to lighten his load? 

I'm not saying it's your obligaion.  And my sympathy for the sucky days that a newborn and a toddler bring.  Many women have wanted to string up their own firstborns in this scenario!

smproblems's picture

So I'm glad you mentioned this. My DH makes enough to pay the bills so I am able to stay home with LO childcare would be pointless because my entire check would pay for childcare so we decided early on in the pregnancy I would stay at home. Childcare for the SS we have not discussed because I'm sure he thinks I'm okay with being at home with SS as well. Because I have not voiced my feelings on this matter because it didn't really bother me until I had a LO who needs me 24/7 being BF and I just don't want to deal with SS and his behavior on top of keeping a 3mth old happy and fed. He is cluster feeding rn which will make things even harder. I'm at a loss on how to talk to DH about this. I just would rather have him Friday - Monday. I can watch him one day. But we just had him after Christmas till the 1st and I watched him 85% of that time we had him. I'm just over it. 

ESMOD's picture

I think what she may have meant was... if your husband's custody order has him being responsible for the time that SS is with you then it becomes an issue where if you don't want to watch SS.. then his options become the following.

1.  Change custody to only weekends as you wish and have his CS obligation increase to BM including probably being on the hook for paying for half of her daycare obligation

2.  Not change custody but put his child in daycare.. at an increased cost to himself.

While he may have technically felt he could manage the household bills all by himself so you have the opportunity to stay home with your baby.. he may not be able to do that AND cover the cost of extra childcare for his child.. and figured that "naturally" whether it was spoken or not.. that you could help offset that cost and make it affordable for him to be the only wage earner.  If you won't/can't watch his son.. it may change the balance to the point where he may expect that you go back to work even if it doesn't cover "much" more than your child's daycare costs at the moment.. 

I think it's ok to feel the way you do.. but I also think you need to get a full understanding about what the real financial constraints are to your family in the decision of whether you stay home.. work.. help him by watching his son.

No, it is not your responsibility naturally to babysit his child.. but he may see it as part and parcel to the decision to have you not contribute in a direct financial way to the household.

I'm not saying it doesn't make it hard to parent a stepchild.. and a 4 yo is a toddler and the "terrrible twos" can last well beyond that age.  You definitely should be working in tandem with your DH about the issues his child is having.  If he is breaking toys.. I might decide to limit his access to one toy.. and if he breaks it.. he gets a time out and no other toy is procurred for the remainder of the day.  He may find that he is less likely to be destructive if he has no other options for the day.  Dad can also have a "recap" meeting with his child daily to discuss the good and bad things that may have happened during the day to reinforce that dad is on board with your discipline and rules.  

Another thing you could hope to do is possibly have his son enrolled in a pre-K type program that might at least be 1/2 day.  Even if it isn't possible in the immediate time.. something to definitely see as a "break" for you in the near future.

I imagine that another issue you may be having is the child is somewhat pent up because you are more "stuck" in the house and he has energy that isn't able to be burnt off... maybe finding an outlet for that would help him be able to behave more?

Steppedonnomore's picture

You wrote: "we decided early on in the pregnancy I would stay at home. Childcare for the SS we have not discussed because I'm sure he thinks I'm okay with being at home with SS as well."

That is your opening for a talk with your DH.  "DH, we decided together that I would stay home with baby.  However, I now realize we neglected to discuss care for SS.  I am overwhelmed with caring for both children. What can we do?"

PetSpoiler's picture

Nope, that child is not your responsibility.  Your husband needs to know how you are feeling.  If you don't tell him he won't be given the chance to fix things.  You'll end up resenting him and SS if you don't already.  You wouldn't watch a neighbor's unruly child.  Your SS should be held to a higher standard than a neighbor.  Tell your husband that he either corrects his child firmly and consistently and backs you up when you do, or you will not watch him.  If he has to give up time that his son would be here, then so be it.  He isn't there to look after him anyway right?  So what does it matter to him if he's with you or BM?  BM most likely is contributing to the problem.  Let her deal with the little monster that she is creating.  

As far as tantrums go, he should be growing out of that stage about now.  My DS threw horrible tantrums when he was 2.  He never threw toys and broke them though.  What worked with him was being ignored.  I would purposely ignore him or better yet send him to his room.  I'd tell him he could come out when he was done with his fit.  And a few minutes later he would come out and tell me he was done with his fit.  Then we would talk about it.  I'd make him apologize and encourage him to use his words next time instead.  He stopped his tantrums at around age 3 I think.  He was doing it for attention.  He stopped because he wasn't getting the attention he wanted.  

If your SS breaks a toy, DO NOT replace it and your husband should not either.  You can't control what goes on in BM's home but you can control what goes on in yours.  He needs to learn that if he breaks something at Dad's house, he doesn't get a new one.  Maybe when all his toys are broken he'll learn.  You may not be his mother but while he is in YOUR home, he will treat you with respect.  You wouldn't tolerate the neighbor's child disrespecting you in your own home, why should you have to tolerate your husband's child disrespecting you?  You shouldn't.  So either he shapes up or his happy little behind can stay somewhere else while DH is working.  Remember he is NOT your responsibility so therefore you are doing your husband a favor by babysitting him for free.  

 

ndc's picture

What does his CO say? What time does he officially have with SS and what CS is he paying to BM?

I think you just have to be honest with your DH. Tell him that his child's bad behavior is making it impossible for you to handle the responsibilities of both SS and your LO, that is has been getting worse, and you don't see how you can continue with this arrangement.  If you don't lay it out clearly to your DH, nothing is going to change, your resentment will grow, and relationships will be damaged. 

At 4, isn't he old enough to go to preschool? My "deal" with DH is that in order for me to stay home with our bio,  I need to also care for the SDs during DH's time (we have 2-2-5-5). That's the only way it works financially.   Lucky for me,  SDs are fairly well behaved, AND when bio was born last year SD8 was in school all day and SD5 was in half day 4K. Having that break from them for a few hours helped when I was so busy with a baby. 

smproblems's picture

We do not have a CO. Everything is verbal. It's just a verbal agreement on when she will allow DH to see his son. Typically it stays pretty normal, every other "weekend" weekend being very loosely because sometimes she will say keep him till Tuesday or it's been Thursday and even Saturday morning you can bring him back. We moved 2 hours away to be closer to my family and my DH could have a better paying job & we were struggling in bills where we previously lived. We moved to my hometown where I own land. So, it was a no brained for us to move back where we didn't have rent obligations. We have other bills, but not rent. So that's made it a little easier. DH does not pay CS she did file for CS in April but we still have not heard a single peep since July when we received the paperwork and mailed it back next day. So I'm unsure where that is that. She never even mentioned she filed for CS. We don't care to pay CS but we know she doesn't pay anyone to watch her son because she either drops him off with her BF or GF she has both or my DHs mom who watches him sometimes 3 - 4 days in a row. Day and night. BM works 12 he shifts and when she is off she likes to do whatever she wants. It's a mess. As far as some of the other new information I found out 1 of the local Pre-K actually will enroll a child PT and I brought it up to DH today and he said he is perfectly okay with that and it would be easier on me and he does appreciate everything I do. I'm not bitter with my DH and he does help with LO even when SS is here. I really only voice the bad because that's what bothers me. All the things my DH does that is positive and helpful I don't mention. Which maybe I should because then it would make a little more sense. Yes, I do believe my DH didn't think about it and thought if I am home with LO then no worries on SS. Which I get and when I was pregnant and before pregnancy because I have been in SS life since right after he turned 2 and I didn't mind watching him then. My DH does parent his son and he does tell him to listen & respect me. I do also understand he is at a rebellion age but it is completely out of control. For example I cleaned out his room today and removed a entire Walmart sack full of BROKEN TOYS he hid in his room. So I also took it upon myself to take a entire garbage bag out of his room full of toys he doesn't play with because they are "old". So, I removed probably 40 toys or more from his room. I'm over his attitude and complete lack of taking care of a toy. I get things break but these are cars like hot weels cars where he has ripped the tires off. Tools he snapped in half. It's done on purpose not by accident. My DH does punish him and takes things away and backs me up 100%. It's just when he goes back to his mom. It's like hitting a master reset button and he comes back hitting, throwing fits, breaking toys, so on and so forth. My DH does try his very best when he is home to do everything and give me a break. Because regardless if he supports us financially. I keep the house in order, do all the shopping myself, pay the bills, etc. my husband works his job and my job never ends. He has said it himself he works 40 hours a week and I work 24/7 because I told him if I am staying home with LO if I need to nap I can have my mom watch him or nap when he naps. My husband knows I carry more weight around and he is very thankful that I do all what I do. My DH cares about my feelings and I know he probably knows something is up but it's really hard to tell DH you don't like his first born....it's not an easy topic like "what do you want to eat for dinner?" 

Wilhelm's picture

Perhaps not I do not like your child but I do not like your child's behaviour and I am finding it difficult to cope with him. He is disrespectful to me. I am concerned that.....

levilleg's picture

Can you ask your DH to put him in daycare during his custody days? Of course, that could mean he can no longer afford for you to stay home and you'll have to get a job and start contributing. 

Thumper's picture

How did it get to this point?

Do you have family near by?

I would give dh a 2day notice of your intentions. Starting today tick-tock.

You and BM have now been put on notice. I HAVE decided that I will no longer babysit your son. WHEN the doorbell rings and you are not here dh, I will not answer it.  On the off chance your x drops off her son while you are here before you leave for work, you better have a babysitter lined because I will be leaving with our son before you leave our house.

Got it, good,