You are here find this site. My SS drives me insane..

smproblems's picture

Hello all, 

This is my first post. I recently decided to become a member. I have been searching and searching for an outlet to vent my troubles and frustrations out. Especially somewhere with a lot of people with the same feelings & worries as myself. I have actually read a lot of blogs on this site and it's made me feel not so alone. Here is the issue, I am a "step-mother" I still have issues coming to terms & acceptance of this title. Even introducing my SS I typically say my DH's son. DH and I recently had a baby of our own. Which I believe heightened a lot of my feelings and issues with my SS. He is almost 4 years old and he is very smart but knows how to "play the system" DH and BM got pregnant on the first date. Then BM cheated on DH and left DH for the man she cheated on him with. SS was still an infant, he doesn't know a life where he didn't go to BM or DH's house. SS is terrible at following rules, listening, throwing toys (on purpose), and acting out. CONSTANTLY. I feel guilty bc I use to not be so bothered by my SS because I've been a part of his life since he was 2. It's just since I've had my LO he seems even more disobedient. He doesn't listen to DH or anyone. He acts like he makes the rules. He bites and hits people. We have tried recorrecting the behavior & right when things get better he goes back to BM. I'm exhausted I stay home with LO and DH provides for us (thankful for that) but I am ALWAYS dreading now when SS is due to come over. He just makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up & I count the days down till he goes back to BM. I felt / feel extremely guilty about this and it's been hard to process. But, being a SM is something I knew I was signing up for but it's still hard when BM does not communicate or try to parent / keep some consistentancy. We didn't get him officially potty trained till almost 3 because BM kept bringing him back in diapers. So it's constantly like starting over & since I SAH with LO I spend the majority of the time with SS and I'm always dreading it. I feel bad but I just don't like my SS. I love him and I care about his well being but I don't enjoy being around him. He is mean to me, hits me, yells at me, tells me no constantly and says he doesn't have to listen to me. We suspect BM saying these things to him because BM and I do not get along. Because I simply told her to stop calling DH and screaming at him for nothing. Bc she had a bad day and wanted to let her anger out. In which she said some awful things to me and I simply said well, you left him. I married him. I'm his wife. You are just the mother to your son. So, unless you have to discuss something about him. You don't need to bitch him out. I'm at a loss of what to do. I've read a lot that's it's normal to not have the parental bond with SC and I'm worried when LO gets older I will have issues on "favoring". In reality how do you not favor your own child VS a SS who hits, yells, bites and tells you he hates you often? 


JRI's picture

One, don't have any contact with BM.  If you ever have to be in her presence, be civil and polite.  Don't badmouth her to the boy or in his hearing.  Let your DH deal with her.

Second, talk to DH about the boy's behavior to you.  The child doesn't have to love you but must treat you respectfully.  That's on DH to enforce.  Four is old enough to follow house rules, most of the time.

Of course, you will feel differently about your child than about your SS.  Just try to treat both fairly, otherwise as they age, there will be perceived favoritism.  It's not easy being a SM and having another child in your house regularly.  It is quite a mental adjustment.  Just remember, you don't have to love your SS as long as you treat him kindly.  Good luck.

smproblems's picture

BM and I do not communicate and I like it much better that way. DH handles her and DH's mother because BM is so childish she will typically tell DH's mom to tell DH when to get his son,time and day & how long he is allowed to stay. We have no court ordered schedule. So it's completely up to BM. DH does talk to SS about respecting me and listening to me. He doesn't listen to his Dad. He just says "okay" with a attitude & says it like 100 times when you are trying to talk to him. He does it because he thinks if he says okay the conversation is over and he just tunes out. DH just left for work and after work he is getting SS until Tuesday of next week. Which means, I'll have him Friday, Monday and Tuesday alone. I'm already in tears because it's so stressful and honestly this 4 year old (almost) makes me feel so terrible about myself. Yeah, our house rules are simple. No playing on the furniture, no running in the house & when we sit at the table we eat and not talk. Because he is a terrible eater. Literally will have a handful of fruit 1 waffle & some yogurt and it will take him 45 mins or longer to eat. Especially if he is talking easy 1 hour and 30 mins. Currently that's what I'm working on, is just accepting the fact there may never be that bond there and personally that's okay. It's been hard because I kinda thought since I love his dad so much I'd naturally love his son and I mean, I don't want anything bad to happen to him and I want my DH to see and bond with his son. It's just I wish - I could just leave for the days he is there. My mental state and body is so exhausted already thinking about his arrival..Thank you for the response :) 

Winterglow's picture

There's another house rule that you need to impose - if your DH isn't there then neither is his son. There is no reason for you to be babysitting him ... He can't bond with his son if he isn't there. 

smproblems's picture

How would I talk to my DH about this?? Typically I tell my DH everything. No issues with communication, it's just I don't want to hurt my DH's feelings. 

Winterglow's picture

You tell him that the whole point of visitation with his child is for him to spend time with him, not for someone else to babysit him. Tell him that it would be so much better for all concerned if he had his visitation at the weekend, when he was free to actually enjoy time with his son.

Besides that, he needs to get an official court order for the time his son is with him or BM will continue dumping him at your home when she has "better" things to do with her time because she knows there's an unpaid sitter there - you. 

smproblems's picture

I do feel this whole heartedly because she does know I SAH with LO and since we moved at first she said only weekends Friday evening - Sunday or Monday & I typically am the one taking him back. Which I don't care on that because it gets him back to his mom. I typically meet DHs mom and she takes SS to BM since BM does not parent with me but lately she just tells DH to keep him longer and longer. Because she knows I'm at home. It's frustrating because I don't know how to tell my husband I'm okay with staying at home with our son but not his first born. 

Winterglow's picture

Look, his son isn't your child. He has two parents and you are not one of them. His mother is treating you like an unpaid babysitter so maybe it's time to stand up for yourself and tell her (or get your DH to tell her) that you expect to be paid the going rate for looking after her child on her time. Chances are that will be enough to slow her down. 

Does your DH pay child support for his son? If so, ask him why he's paying his ex to look after his child when it's his current wife who is doing all the donkey work.

tog redux's picture

He needs a court-ordered schedule, approved by YOU, since you are the main caregiver. And I'd say that schedule should be based around DH's days off so that he can care for him when he's with you. No need for you to be BM's babysitter.  I get that you want to be with your child at home, but that doesn't mean you should have to care for a poorly behaved stepkid as well.