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Need advice - so lost

Alfie's picture

I apologize in advance for the long entry. I have been with SO for 3 years now. We have a baby on the way and he has 9 (almost 10 year old) from a previous relationship. Me and his son do not get along. No matter how I try to talk to his son, he argues with me every step of the way. He is very used to getting his way and being babied by every person in the family - mom, grand parents, friends. When he isn't with us, he has no bed time (including school nights), can eat what he wants, and do what he wants - including not showering or brushing his teeth. School has always been big for me. But I feel I am the only one who feels this way - about school and proper hygiene. He is barely passing classes and if I say I want him to do his school work or practice his drums - anything other then playing video games and watching YouTube, he has a full blown meltdown and throws a tantrum for at least an hour. Then will say he wants to go to his mom's. It breaks my heart bc I really want a relationship with him, especially want him to have a good relationship with his sibling when they are born (gender is a surprise) but when I ask what he wants to teach his future brother or sister - all I get is video games. I ask about riding bikes, tying their shoes, etc. He says "nope, I just want someone to play video games with" it breaks my heart. I try to do things with him but he only wants to play video games and only comes to me if he needs something (money for his game, new toy) He doesn't acknowledge me when he is with us and I brought this up to my SO numerous times and he is finally seeing that his son completely ignores me unless he wants something from me. I don't know what to do and feel like giving up. But then feel horrible for giving up on a child. Also, this has been an issue since we have been together, not since getting pregnant - it has just gotten worse since I got pregnant. How do I fix a relationship that was never really there? He has told me he will only get along with me if I let him do what he wants "like everyone else"

Comments

tog redux's picture

So it sounds like your husband doesn't care about school or any of these other issues like you do - and generally, the stepparent can't be the only one who cares and enforces rules, or exactly this happens. The kid pushes back on restrictions that his own bio parents don't support.

I'd suggest you let your H parent his kid and just let go of trying to make him go to school or do anything other than game. You are fighting a losing battle. 

Alfie's picture

I feel he cares a little more about school since I have been in the picture. He will do the "punishing" if there is any (which there usually isn't). Hygiene is big for him, as it is me. I absolutely feel this is a losing battle and other than give up, I don't know what else to do. I feel giving up shows his son I don't care about him, which isn't the case, but I want a happy home and this isn't it. 

tog redux's picture

You can still be a "fun aunt" and do stuff with and for him - but don't be the heavy who is pushing the school and hygiene stuff. Your DH needs to do all of that. 

Alfie's picture

Thanks, that's what I'm trying to do and I guess will continue to try and do. 

Cover1W's picture

"...He has told me he will only get along with me if I let him do what he wants "like everyone else"..."

Well you know where the problem is now don't you?  From my experience with similar issues (but SDs have been good with school) involving basic hygeine and basic house 'rules/expectations', if your DH isn't with you on it and backing you up it will NEVER change.

Have you read up on the disengaging forum?  Basically, the only way I stayed sane was to let DH do it all. All of it. Since no one wanted my help or input as a "parental figure" (even DH) then he gets to do it all. It's difficult but do-able. You can choose to stop help immediately or gradually. The only thing, and in your case really think, is that you do NOT discuss it with DH. Just start doing it.

Alfie's picture

I have not but I will look into it. Thank you for referring it. I have tried reading different articles over the years and nothing helps. I feel he cares when I spend money on him or let him "do what he wants". His dad says he has always had rules for him but I know his previous relationship before me (after baby mama) was very permissive or uninvolved and that is what ss is used to. I just feel I try and no matter what I do, it is never enough. I have started to let DH just take control and I have backing off

Cover1W's picture

Exaclty.  As long as you are entertaining the kid eveything is a-ok. But as soon as you try to "parent" or have any authority over him/parenting at your home it's a no-go.

It's called "responsibility without authority" - you are supposed to do things a parent would do but if you try to actually have rules, consequences, basic requirements all of a sudden "he's just a kid" or "just let him do what he wants (it's easier)" or "you are too harsh" or "they don't need to do that..." Bingo there you are.

LittleCloud9's picture

You can't fix it. This kid has problems that have nothing to do with you and you cannot save him from his bios being poor parents. They are the ones who should feel horrible for shirking their responsibility, not you. Do yourself a favor and start protecting your heart now or you will continue to get hurt. Focus on loving and raising your own baby. If you give too much of yourself away to ss you won't have the energy you need for your little one.

Alfie's picture

Hard advice to take but needed. I feel I am giving up on a kid who I know it isn't his fault that he hasn't hard structure. I just don't want "you do everything for your kid and nothing for me" I would still absolutely provide for him but I don't want him seeing me have a bond with my child and resent me that we don't.

Ispofacto's picture

I would remove the gaming system from the house.  Be prepared for histrionics of genocidal proportions.  He will try to refuse visitation.

Normally I would suggest disengagement, but he won't launch if he fails school.

 

CLove's picture

Your partner is allowing the SS to be the way he is. Your partner is just now after 3 years noticing his kid shuns you (abusive behavior). Your partner doesnt parent this child as far as schooling and highgiene and activity participation.

And you are blaming the SS. This is an extremely common theme. I do this myself with SD15.5 and Husband. 

Three things;

1. This behavior will get worse over time not better.

2. Your partner is failing to parent his child and is not doing this child any favors. 

3. you must disengage and focus on your bio. I do not have any bios of my own, so I am focusing on myself and self care activites. Hiking, gym, other stuff. There are many ways of disengagement. examples;

- skid doesnt want to do activities? Ok, do them on your own

-skid doesnt want to bond with new baby? You must find acceptance and keep the door open. 

- skid is doing badly in school? Back off and let partner worry about tis. Mention your concerns in passing.

BUT, if you back off, you back off in other things too. You do not do for skid "to keep it fair". You do not worry about skid andtry to parent him...

That being said, you are to be acknowledged in your home. If your partner wont fix that you will addres skid directly on this.

I know its disappointing.

Alfie's picture

So I have addressed SO about this many times and his lack of parenting. I understand that the bio parents lack of discipline/structure has caused this behavior and anytime I feel something needs to be addressed, I have his dad do it. I learned fairly quickly that ss does not respect me or what I say, which is why I have his dad address issues. I feel backing off is the only option, but feel ss may resent me more "for not caring" 

strugglingSM's picture

I used to try to get my SSs to brush their teeth, go to bed at a regular time, not spend every waking moment on their phones...but then I realized that I didn't want to be the enforcer and they are not my kids, so no one will blame me if their teeth are rotten or if they are failing their classes. 

It's hard to be a stepparent when your values differ from their parents. Also, many of us have DH/SOs who are passive parents, especially if they don't have primary custody. They also often feel bad about the divorce, so don't want to fight with the kid or be the disciplinarian when they are around. We have SSs EOWE and they have been alienated by BM and also conditioned by MIL to not see DH as a parental figure, but more as someone who exists to pay for things and entertain them. For example, they are almost 16 and MIL still gets upset when DH has other obligations on his weekends with them, because they will be bored or they will have no one to entertain them (she actually said that this week, that she'd take them because otherwise, I would "have to entertain them"). 

My daughter is so much younger than them and we see them so infrequently from a toddler's perspective that I don't really worry about what she might learn from them vs what I will teach her myself. 

For your own sanity, take a step back and focus on your child. If and when your stepchild becomes a nuisance to your child, then you can step in, but otherwise, let the kid do what he wants...and set clear boundaries, so he doesn't ruin your things or impact you more than he needs to. I know that might sound terrible and like you're not a family, but in homes with vastly different values, unless both parents are very clear and strong with boundaries, it's difficult to build a coherent family. Focus on the family you will have with your child and figure out how your SS can participate where apropriate without becoming the center of everything. 

Alfie's picture

Yes, so very hard. So we have basically had ss every day since SO and I moved in together. There is no custody agreement and before they typically did week one, week off but now bio mo normally just takes him on weekends.

SO def. blames himself for relationship not working out and has said that in the past when he has disciplined, his son would just call his mom and she would pick him up, so he backed off a little, but ss is all about mom all the time. He tells his dad he doesn't care to spend time with him and they breaks my heart also. Working on boundaries and not protecting my heart, not just for my sake but my upcoming baby as well. 

AgedOut's picture

you cannot care more than the parents. you cannot make him do what his parents don't bother with. I'd suggest stepping back. let Dad deal with him. Stop asking him about homework or expecting more than the basic decency from him. when he comes to you because he wants something tell him "I think you should ask your Dad" and focus on your soon to be baby and how great that will be. 

Congratulations!!

Alfie's picture

I agree and this is something I have struggled with the past 3 years. I tell myself to let DH take control and back off completely but as I stated in other responses, I don't want ss to resent me more and feel I don't care for him. Thank you. I will try my hardest to focus on me and new baby

Harry's picture

Your SO isn't parenting his DS.  You can not live like this where SSis controlling your home and your life. You can't have a 10 yo up at 2,Am playing games and causing he*l. Or telling you whAt to do

you must tell SO to step up and start parenting 

Alfie's picture

So DS understands that I believe in bedtime, hygenie, etc and he follows those since we have been together. Per him, he has always had a bedtime and hygenie with him but when with bio mo it isn't the case. Again, I definitely feel he has been more on top of it since being with me. I do tell SO to step up and I guess I will just continue to do this. Thank you

Harry's picture

Your SO isn't parenting his DS.  You can not live like this where SSis controlling your home and your life. You can't have a 10 yo up at 2,Am playing games and causing he*l. Or telling you whAt to do

you must tell SO to step up and start parenting 

bananaseedo's picture

"Also, this has been an issue since we have been together, not since getting pregnant - it has just gotten worse since I got pregnant. How do I fix a relationship that was never really there? "

I so wish women would come here BEFORE they get knocked up though- we can then w/out guilt tell you and encourge you to get out of the relationship and find a man with no kids and start your own nuclear family.  Almost every woman arrives here too late....pity really.

Disengage and prepared for years of misery. All I got, sorry.

ndc's picture

As everyone is pointing out, your SO is a huge part of the problem here.  He is not parenting his child the way the kid needs to be parented.  Right now you're trying to pick up a lot of the slack for his parents and other adults in his life, but it's not working because you don't have authority and those that do aren't using it.  I think the answer is to disengage.  Don't worry about whether the kid does well in school, has rotting teeth or wastes his entire life video gaming.  He's not your kid, so not your problem.  It's a hard attitude to adopt with a kid who lives with you, but what you're doing now isn't working.  Now, that doesn't mean you have to tolerate a skid who leaves messes all over or walks around your house stinking the place up.  But that's when you push it off on your SO.  Tell him "SS made this mess, it needs to be cleaned up" or "SS smells terrible/has bad breath, please do something about it because I can't tolerate the smell."  Stop doing things for SS.  No treats, no special trips - he doesn't show appreciation for what you do for him, and he doesn't do what YOU want, so just don't do it.  Certainly don't spend your own money on him.  Frankly, if I was going to disengage I would do it immediately, and not wait until the baby is born, because you don't want the baby to be blamed.

In an ideal world, your disengagement would force your SO to step up.  That may or may not happen, but it's what NEEDS to happen if SS is to have much of a chance to launch and become a contributing member of society.

As for your SO not having a custody order - to me, that is unacceptable.  I don't think a man is ready for a new relationship, and certainly not for a new baby, if he hasn't cleaned up the mess of his prior relationship(s), and that includes a custody order for SS.  The kid should have some certainty, and YOU should have that certainty, too.  It's funny that SS started spending all his time with his dad once you moved in.  Who is doing the heavy lifting - you or SO?  It should be SO, but he wouldn't be the first guy to want his kids more once he had a woman in the house to do most of the work.  I'm sure SS misses his mom, and I'm equally sure he notices the time line and realizes he stopped spending weeks with mom when you moved in.  Your SO needs a custody order, and it should be acceptable to you.

simifan's picture

You can't care more then the bioparents do. What you need to do is leave those things to DH. Let DH know now, you won't support his spawn if he drop-outs or is an unemployed adult because of his failed parenting. Repeat this often.