Am I Even Step Mom Material???
I had never dated a man with kids prior to to dating my ex so I didn’t truly know what I was getting into. I thought he was a good dad because he was very dedicated and present with his kids. I would’ve never predicted the truth is he’s a lazy parent with anger issues whose’s infatuated with his histrionic daughter.
Now, I think its a fair assessment that no step mom was going to suceed in that situation. It was literally impossible. But the whole experience does make me wonder if maybe step parenting is just not for me. I can’t quite figure out yet if Im just still shell-shocked from that putrid experience or if I truly don’t have the capacity to be partners with someone who has kids. And although Im not ready to start dating quite yet, most people my age (30’s) have kids, so I’d be awfully had to find a kidless man or man with sucessfully launched kids.
Has anybody ever escaped Step Hell and found happiness in a blended family later in life?
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Not personally, but there is
Not personally, but there is hope in finding a man without kids. I'm 30 and none of my closest friends have kids yet. My moms long time boyfriend has no kids and we also cause no drama for him.
I’m certainly not in any rush
I’m certainly not in any rush to start dating, as Im truly enjoying the peace that comes with not dealing with that nonsense anymore. But it gives me hope to know there’s some skidless men out there.
It's really important to
It's really important to remember that this site is representative of the worst in step family situations and there are functional ones.
I went to a funeral this weekend, of a friend's mother - she was mother to 8 and stepmother to 5 and the pews were filled with her loving kids and stepkids, who continued to treat her as family matriarch after their father died.
Just be more aware of the man's parenting and whether or not he can deal effectively with his ex and is able to parent his kids in normal way. Many women on here seem to mistake a man's "loving behavior" with his kids for good parenting, and then realize he's unable to set limits and has an unhealthy relationship with them.
IMO, the best situation is one in which HE will be the parent, and you aren't expected to take that over for him, or even be a parent at all. And watch out for insane ex-wives. They can be a deal breaker too.
One of my close friends is a
One of my close friends is a BM in a situation. Her, SM, and BD are all able to work together awesomely for the son. Totally balanced, everyone communicates, she stays out of things when he's over there, they stay out of things when he's with her. Really balanced and funtional. Honestly I thought prior to getting married that's how this was going to be. LMAO. (it's not, but could be if Psycho hadn't been a raging crazy wh0re)
But really. There are some awesome functioning relationships out there, regardless of blended family status!
Yes, my sister also has a
Yes, my sister also has a great relationship with her 40-year-old SD and is grandma to her grandkids, just as the bio grandmother is.
We are the outliers.
But the whole experience does
But the whole experience does make me wonder if maybe step parenting is just not for me.
I think this whole step parent exerience has a lot to do with how a partner/BF/Fiancee/Spouse parents. If they have set boundaries and teach their kids manners, respect, accountability and that their are consequences for misbehavior. If he's a parent that sweeps everything under the rug and doesn't address anything you are in for a rough ride. Not all fathers are like the one you experienced. The positive that you did gain from your past relationship is you now know what to look for and what not to accept.
I'm from NY and 30. No one I
I'm from NY and 30. No one I'm friends with had children yet and the girls I went to high school/ college with just started having babies so there is hope! Everyone I dated prior to my bf was child free and some were older than my bf.
One bad experience does not
One bad experience does not mean you are not cut out for steplife. BUT.. At your age.. there are still a decent amount of people that have not had kids.. or you can cougar it up and look at dating guys a few years younger.. (26 ish?)
Being in a relationship with a person with children is hard. A significant amount of their resources are already spoken for before you even walk in the door.. financially, emotionally, time, priorities all have other people in the mix and at times.. even if you have the unicorn of partners.. will have to or want to put another person's needs before yours.
Then there is the matter of the EX. There is another adult that will have an affect on your home.. through their kids.. through their interaction with your SO.. through their insecurities and mental illness or just plain Aholedness. Your SO can do their best to buffer negative impacts.. but in most cases.. those Exes will still have some impact.. even dead ones.
Oh.. and don't forget the kids. They may suffer from anxiety or insecurity over their parent's split. They may lash out at you because it's easier to be a jerk to the GF.. vs the people they are really angry at.. their parents. they are not biologically related to you.. they may aggravate you. They may come with real disabilities and mental issues that will impact your life. Even great kids are jerks at times and you won't have that inate parental bond and unconditional love to see you through. And it doesn't stop when they are 18.. some kids come home to roost.. even if they don't.. they will be around and want their parent's attention. Plus.. if your SO isn't a great parent.. and lets their child grow up feral.. yikes.
So.. that sounds all around bad.. but as pointed out... you are probably seeing more bad on this site than good.. because it's a vent site. Are there happy step families? YES.. are there Stepparents who are happy with their lives and have good relationships with their stepkids? sure... of course.
My SO was the first person with kids I dated.. and we have been together for 16 years.. his kids are both adults and not at home.. and I have a good relationship with them... but I'm not going to say it was all roses.. and not going to say that I might have done some things differently along the way in hindsight either.. but overall, I'm happy with my choice.
Love often blinds us to the point we
Finally realise and see the huge red flags once we are right in the middle with kids, pregnant or married to that person or moved in...
in my case skids try to play polite but my inlaws see through the bs, its not hard to hide their true behaviour
Thank you for your responses
Thank you for your responses ladies! I know there are good step family situations out there. As a child I was a part of one and I’ve always tried to use that as my guide on how to approach the ex and his kids. But my ex just absolutely exploded when I approached him about his daughter’s behavior. And there was just nothing to work with in that situation.
I guess Im in this place where I see poor parenting in all types of families, but more so in divorced families, and it makes me VERY hesitant to date a man with kids. Clearly Im a little traumatized from my experience and still in a healing phase so maybe these feelings will subside with time.
But like many of you said, the key is watching for the red flags and acting upon them when they’re identified.
I feel the same as you.
I feel the same as you. Incidentally a man I used to work with years and years ago messaged me out of the blue and said he'd noticed I was single and would I like to go out for a drink, I thought why not... The rest of the conversation was him telling me how much he misses his kids since his divorce, how he lives for them and works and breathes for them. He then sent me random pictures of them and one of himself cuddled up with his youngest with the message "this is who I am." I won't be going for that drink anymore haha. I would much prefer a man without kids but I'm not totally shut down to the idea, it just depends on the boundaries set etc and what sort of a parent they are. Luckily you've had the experience now (or maybe not so luckily) so you know the red flags to watch out for. But if you're lucky enough to find a childless man please find out if he has an equally childless man friend for me