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I feel like a bad father!!!

nofear74's picture

Submitted by nofear74 on Sun, 05/25/2008 - 9:46pm

OK, so here I go again. Complaining about my SS. He is 12 years old and is driving both me and my children crazy with his picking/bullying. I have tried to talk to him, but my wife feels that any time I say anything to him that I'm being too rough, and need to realize that he is just being himself, and that's the way he's always been. Well, that's because everybody has always favored him over any of the other children, and that also includes my SD, his sister, and the two youngest that my wife and I have together. It is never SS's fault, but always somebody elses, and I guess to a point, I'm jealous. My kids are tortured by him, and when they get upset with him, my wife tells me that my kids need to grow up and be able to handle some picking every once in a while. Well, every once in a while would be o.k., but not all the f@cking time...pardon my wording. I am to the point that I am beginning to not even like my SS, and am feeling more and more stressed about it. He knows that he has his mother/my wife wrapped around his little finger, and he just gives me these looks sometimes, like he's taunting me, and daring me to yell at him. I've tried talking to my wife about it, and she is always getting really defensive, and telling me that it's my kids fault that he acts the way he does. Any advice for me before I end up a divorced single father again!!!!

Steve

Comments

smurfy1smile's picture

Submitted by smurfy1smile on Sun, 05/25/2008 - 10:07pm

I would remove the siblings from your SS's fire. Advise them to stay away from him and let your wife know that it is up to her to deal with him and you will step in if she will not. It is your house, and you have to stand your ground. I have a BD12 and she is a pill most of the time too. She is mean to her sister who is 7 and is just nasty to her father and I more often than not. Its a hard age with all the hormones and body changes but that is not excuse for picking on the other kids. I would keep the other kids away from him as much as possible and maybe do fun stuff away from the house with them and if SS has a fit tell him him nicely but firmly that his behavior is not acceptable and when he straightens up he can come along too. Maybe being left out will open his eyes.

StepLightly's picture

Submitted by StepLightly on Sun, 05/25/2008 - 11:05pm

Stand your ground. You wife's actions are contributing to you not liking your SS. Dislike will turn to resentment and hate if she continues to defend him. She is doing him no favors. Tell her to deal with him or you will step in and it won't be pretty.

Sia's picture

Submitted by Sia on Mon, 05/26/2008 - 8:34am

Have you tried counseling? This might give you a forum for her to listen to you and have a 3rd parties opinion. I think it would be worth a try. My SD16 used to pick on my boys so bad that I eventually cornered her one day and basically threatened her young life if she picked on them again. She didn't bother them much after that. Wink

unknown's picture

Submitted by unknown on Mon, 05/26/2008 - 12:11pm

by not putting your foot down and exerting your entitled 'man of the house' authority...but look at this way, if you do not get firm with everyone (including your wife) about this boy's behavior, your family (your little ones) will suffer as a result. defend your kids no fear, and stop letting your wife make pathetic excuses for her son's destructive, controlling and narcissistic behavior. i also have a SS12 and a BD 12 months, and i watch him very closely around her and would never leave him alone with her. never. 12 is a tough age and he probably has issues with this 'blended' family. these issues could turn to rage or internalized anger and any negative behavior will more than likely be benign at first, but the older he gets, the more dangerous it could become.

nip this in the bud now. start with your wife. if you get no backing, you tell her that you have EVERY RIGHT to have an equal say in what goes on in YOUR household. these are your kids too and she doesn't get to 'pick' which ones she can parent and which ones you cannot. it affects the WHOLE family. she is being cowardly by not facing up to her son's attitude/behavior and is taking the easy route by making excuses. my DH and his family do this with SS12. well, the buck stops coldly with me. you see, guilt is a strong emotion and this 'poor kid' syndrome is like a disease. let it end with you and keep your family in tact and safe. good luck my friend.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

kassandrarayne's picture

Submitted by kassandrarayne on Mon, 05/26/2008 - 12:20pm

Time to put your foot down for sure! I think you should come up with a game plan and try to make her see how the SS is enjoying seeing the 2 of you arguing because of him. They can be evil little demons and never mind the 'thier to young to understand' crap. These little monsters know exactly what they are doing and how to do it.
I think leaving him out of the 'fun' stuff for bad behaviour would be a good idea too. Pick up the other kids and leave the wife home too so she can deal with him if she thinks your being mean to him. I know that sounds harsh but sometimes you have to give people a rude awakening.

evilsm's picture

Submitted by evilsm on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 12:15pm

I wonder if some house rules would help. Sit your wife down and have a talk about some fair house rules. Make a list of the things that you want to prohibit, allow your wife to make some of her own, try not to be child specific. Put a list on the refrigerator of rules and consequences for not following and then let the kids in on the new rules. When one of the children breaks one of the rules the consequences are known and followed, that way it does not seem that you are picking on ss just that he is breaking the rules.

~Evil

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren