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Am I Wrong Here???

nofear74's picture

Submitted by nofear74 on Wed, 10/24/2007 - 1:41am

O.K., let me start by saying that this is not a bitch session about my stepson. I am just looking to see what advice I can get. I love my kids and I love my step kids, and I feel that they are all treated the same. My problem starts because my 11 y.o. stepson is really mean to my kids, especially my youngest son who is 7. My wife doesn't see his behavior as wrong or mean. I really don't think that half the time she even believes me when I tell her things he says or does. She is always telling me that my children have made her son the way that he is because of the way they act towards him, but I really feel that it's the other way around. She is always telling me that she doesn't blame her son for not liking my kids. A lot of this started when my ex began pulling her crap with my kids. I guess that I have to go back a little bit. My kids live with me. I have 3 children from 2 previous relationships. I fought for custody of my 11 y.o. son and won, and then when my ex-wife left she left me with our 2 children who are now 7 and 8 now.(the three kids were 2,3, and 6 when she took off to find herself) Anyway, I was a single dad raising my three kids for almost 4 years before I began dating my wife now. At first things were o.k., until the kids met. For the longest time my oldest and her oldest were the two who were always fighting, but now they've become somewhat more friendly towards each other and it's my youngest son that has become my stepsons "target". The other day my stepson told my son that he was lucky that his mother and I were there because if not he'd be dead because he would kill him. Is that normal talk for an 11 y.o child? I don't know. Anyway, I've never done this kinda thing and I thought that maybe out there somewhere, somebody may have some advice for me. I'm at the point now where a divorce sounds nice. At least my kids will have their home back and not feel like they don't have a place to call home because of the way they are treated by my wife and her kid. Let me just end by saying that I do not blame my step son for every conflict that happens. It would be nice though if his mom would just realize that it's not just my kids either and her son is not perfect by far. I have recommended couseling and she just doesn't feel that her son needs couseling. However, my children are completely messed up. Thanks.

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Anne 8102's picture

Submitted by Anne 8102 on Wed, 10/24/2007 - 4:32am

And counseling is a great idea. Even if you can't get her and her son to participate, it would be good for you and your children. They can learn strategies for dealing with a bully and you can learn strategies for communicating your concerns with your wife in a way that (hopefully!) she will be open to hearing.

As for instilling fair discipline in your home, this is the method that worked for us:

1. Both parents sit down, without the kids present, and make up a list of the top ten most important house rules that will apply to every kid in the family and that can be enforced by both parents in the family. Reduce these rules to writing.

2. Both parents decide upon a progressive discipline plan. First infraction = verbal warning. Second infraction = no TV for the rest of the day. Third infraction = no computer for the rest of the day. Fourth infraction = automatic three days of restriction with no electronics, no playdates, grounded to the house, etc. (It doesn't have to be TV and computer for the first two... it can be video games, cell phone or whatever privilege you want to take away for punishment. Get 'em where it hurts. Choose whatever they value the most.) In our home, we also do no warning and automatic three-day restriction for any behavior that intentionally causes damage to property or for hitting/hurting another.

3. Both parents sign off at the bottom agreeing that these are the house rules, this is the progressive discipline plan that will be followed if/when rules are broken and that all kids must follow the house rules and that both parents have authority to assign punishment per the progressive discipline plan to enforce the house rules.

4. Once the list of rules and punishments is made, both parents sit down with all kids and communicate them to the children. All children who are capable of reading and writing will read the rules and punishments, then will sign off below the parents' signatures stating that they understand the program.

5. Post the rules/punishments in a prominent place in your home. The fridge is usually a good place.

This becomes the Bible for handling discipline problems in your home. If everyone follows it in good faith, then there can be no unfairness. This has eliminated a lot of frustration, yelling, anger, irritation and questioning over whether the punishment fits the crime in our house. We have five kids in total... we have two together, plus he has three from his previous marriage. Only our two live with us full-time. We've been together for six years and this plan has been instilled so firmly within the fabric of our family, that we really don't even have to keep it posted anymore. If you do it long enough, you find that it becomes second nature. It's nice to be able to say, "BS9, that's your warning. Next time, you lose TV for the rest of the day." No voice-raising, no getting angry or upset, just very matter-of-fact, like a business transaction. Kids know what is expected of them and they also know what to expect from the parents. Parents know that all kids will be disciplined per the plan, so no one gets picked on. If you are successful in implementing this evenly and across the board, it can really lower the tension level.

If your wife won't agree to trying this, or at least trying SOMETHING to improve things, then you may have a decision to make. It doesn't even matter who started it, whose kid causes the most problems, etc. You just have to approach her with the attitude that fault isn't the issue, instilling discipline and raising healthy, respectful, well-behaved, well-adusted children IS the issue.

Good luck!

~ Anne ~

http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html
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shandee's picture

Submitted by shandee on Wed, 10/24/2007 - 7:17am

I'm going to try this at my house also!!! I do most of the disciplining at my house ( because i have the most kids & they are always here).However I get frustrated to because it is hard to discipline a stepchild, its very touchy especially when you have a sneaky step!!! My husband is very supportive of my discipline but had to almost force me to discipline his daughter. She knows better than to pull crap in front of her dad , she was always being mean to my kids when he wasn't looking it was horrible!!! But he believes me when I tell him things she does but if you don't have the power to discipline then you are just a tattle tale in the childrens eyes. I believe this is one of the biggest and hardest issues to deal with in blended families. I also had a big issue of my kids feeling resentful because they were expected to behave and be respectful to each other and then sd would come over and be mean and bossy.
Is your ss an only child? For me that made it even harder because I believe it's hard for only children share. I do understand , my sd went from being an only child to one of 5!!! So I make sure that my kids understand that sometimes she needs her space even if it is 5 minutes because she isn't used to so many ppl. I think counseling is the way to go !!! Also try to implement Anne's discipline guidelines (I'm going to!!!) she has the best advice always check around the site!!!! Good Luck!!

Anne 8102's picture

Submitted by Anne 8102 on Wed, 10/24/2007 - 7:45am

The only child thing is a good point. My BS was an only child, then I gave him three step sibs and a half sib within two years. He was the hardest one, because he'd been used to being the only child. But this discipline plan works GREAT for him, especially. It helps kids see that THEY control their access to privileges. It's something they earn, not something we snatch away.

~ Anne ~

http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html
Please join the Campaign to Save Madison!

nofear74's picture

Submitted by nofear74 on Sat, 10/27/2007 - 10:25am

I appreciate your response. I really am at my wits end because I agree with you that it's not about who's right or wrong, but about the kind of values and morals that we want to pass on to our children. I have tried to talk to my wife about all of this, and she seems to feel that I am the one who needs to change my parenting styles because I'm too overprotective of my children, but I don't think that being honest with my kids about my problems is right like she does with her son. I feel that it is because of her that her son hates my kids so much because she tells him everything including what my kids do to make her mad. I am just to the point where I am ready to give up because I feel like I'm trying to hold this whole family together while nobody else even gives a rat's ass, and I'm tired and worn out. I try to talk to my wife, and she gets mad, so I've even given up on that. Now she wants to know why I act like I don't care. The thing is that I do care, but I just can't give anymore than I already have. It seems like the more I do(cooking, and cleaning, and laundry, etc.) the more I get bitched at because I didn't do something the way she would have, or I put something of my son's in her son's pile of clothes. I love my kids and I don't feel that this is fair to them or me because I am always on edge. I snap at my kids because I am so stressed out and a lot of the time I don't feel like I'm being the kinds of father to them that I used to be. Anyway, thanks once again. Any more advice would be appreciated.

Steve Shafer