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When does it stop?

nicolerw's picture

Submitted by nicolerw on Thu, 10/18/2007 - 12:56pm

Everytime we on the exchange day when we go get SS from BM,SS throws a fit crying and screaming.It's like he hates coming home with us.But after were home he is fine and happy with us.I don't understand why SS is with us 60% of the time.We are not strict we have rules unlike at BMs house.My question is will SS fits stop ever?we have been doing the exchange for a 1year now,i thought he would be use to the routine.Anyone ealse have this problem and could give me some advice about it?

Comments

chellebelle143's picture

Submitted by chellebelle143 on Thu, 10/18/2007 - 1:11pm

Patience, at 2 a kid doesn't have a concept of time, or a real memory going on yet. Can you remember anything from when you were 2? For all he knows the exchanges have only been going on for a week or two. I know it is frustrating, but you have to give this little guy time. He may feel like just when he gets used to one place, he is taken away to another.The crying only lasts a short time, so don't sweat it.It just takes him longer than an older child to acclimate to new surroundings. Most libraries have a great section of parenting books, there are some even focused on a particular age,check into it. It really will help you gain the perspective of a 2 y/o. It will get better with time as he gets older, just be patient.

**How seldom we weigh our neighbors in the same balance as ourselves. ~Thomas à Kempis**

Imustbcrazy's picture

Submitted by Imustbcrazy on Thu, 10/18/2007 - 2:29pm

I have found that the older I get the more I am able to handle ALL of the issues that come along with being a mom and a stepmom. It is not an easy job and kids don't come with a handbook. I learn how to handle things from friends that are going throught the same thing with their kids and I can't imagine at 19 you have a ton of friends that have a 2 year old. You will get it... and he is 2, all 2 year olds throw tantrums, we just have the added "joy" of joint custody. Hang in there.

Daddys Gurl

It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!

Frog44's picture

Submitted by Frog44 on Fri, 10/19/2007 - 8:20am

kids came with a hand book!!!!

str8_trippin's picture

Submitted by str8_trippin on Thu, 10/18/2007 - 4:42pm

I had a 4 year old SS. I only wish steptalk was around way back when, boy could I have used a website like this! I would hope that my legitimate concerns would not be met with condecendance though. Regardless of age or maturity, that remark was a little rude. Saying but after a remark totally negates what you say before the word but.

In any case Nichole, since you are coming out of your teens here, my advice to you is the same as chelle-visit your local library and find resources on child development and step-parenting. Let me suggest TOUCHPOINTS:YOUR CHILD'S EMOTIONAL AND BEHAVIORAL DEVELOPMENT BY T.BARRY BRAZELTON. It's a great book on early childhood devel. You are never too young to educate yourself on one of the biggest roles in your life right now, becoming a step-parent. Good luck to you, and remember patience, patience, patience....The most you can do for this little one is give him lot's of love and understanding, and that understanding will come, the more you learn about his needs! HOPE THIS HELPS!

"All that we are is a result of what we have thought."- Buddha

Persephone's picture

Submitted by Persephone on Thu, 10/18/2007 - 11:24pm

I don't believe that the reference to age and maturity was intended to be rude, rather, an undeniable fact of life...

I had my 1st child at the age of 23, next at 29 and last at 31. Raising a teen at 37 versus 43 is waaay different. Raising a two yr old at 25 versus 31 and 33 there were major differences. Having a 2 yr old at 40 and having a 2 yr old 19... is generations a part... At 19 one does not know as much about oneself as you do at 40... so goes it that you view 2 yr olds differently as well...

Yes, there are many mature 19 year olds, some even be more mature than 40 yr olds! Yes, you are never too young to educate yourself, BUT education is one thing, life experience and understanding it, is another. In the big scheme of things, most 19 years are still coming into their own... In fact there are many child development books that include 19 year olds...

Some get all defensive when the age thing comes up- I used to... The older I become, I GET it. Some days I wish I only had to deal with "all" the drama I had at 19, 23,27, 32, 35, ... those were the days my friend.. I thought they would never end.. I miss them now. But would never want to go back... I like 40-something. Yeah my body may not be as sharp, BUT my mind has never been better!!

I agree with Anne... It is real.

Tired2's picture

Submitted by Tired2 on Fri, 10/19/2007 - 8:13am

My husband and I have both talked about this. We are much calmer, more patient, more understanding parents with our 6 year old son than we were with our 11 and 12 year old daughters. We are older parents now and age/time does make a difference. I can look back now and see that I wasn't nearly the mature, calm parent that I was when my daughter was born. I was 20 when she was born. I was 26 when my son was born. I am now 32 and BELIEVE ME....all of my children are benefiting from my age and experience. At 19 you really don't have the patience that you need to have with a 2 year old.

It will get better. You may not think so now...but it will.

Some people are like slinkies...not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs! Smile

girlonstage22's picture

Submitted by girlonstage22 on Thu, 10/18/2007 - 2:22pm

My soon to be SD9 used to throw the worst tantrums when BF picked her up. Kicking, screaming, trying to run away, etc. It was horrible. She did not want to leave BM. But once he was 5 minutes away she would be great- laughing, talking, etc. She is so attached to her mom. But it's understandable because we only have her every other weekend.

I know it doesn't sound like it since mine is 9 years old. But it will. Just be patient and understand that he's only 2. In my experience 2 yr olds are hard to handle with/without a situation like this.

Persephone's picture

Submitted by Persephone on Thu, 10/18/2007 - 4:19pm

I was separated when my youngest was 6 months old and I was breast feeding. She didn't have issues I DID... Around 18 months or so, she would scream and cry and reach for me when the ex was holding her and blubber momomomomom... this played out until she was about 2.5.(I was a wreck) My oldest was 9 at the time and would tell me that she would settle down as soon as he was 1/2 way to his home and then for the rest of the visit... similar to the day care experience...

Anne is right, as you both grow this will all mostly fall into place.

However.. it was not too long ago.. when the girls were at their dads and I received a call from my former FIL, on my work line(I work from home, didn't know he had this number)1. Only friends/family that call me on this line do so ONLY during business hours.. 2. He is hard of hearing and excitable.. so his disposition immediately makes you nervous.. 3. I thought OMG what happened to the girls... went into a total panic.. to find out that he forgot they were with their dad and just called to thank them for the card they sent him....

I had a total melt down because for 11 years I have been on edge thinking they are not safe with him.. I cried and said to DH.. I hate this, I just can't relax.. even though I know that the girls can take care of themselves... I just have these visions of them being in a car accident .. EX has a HORRENDOUS driving record and a drinking problem.
somethimes.. it is more our angst than theirs.. IMO.

Shopaholic's picture

Submitted by Shopaholic on Thu, 10/18/2007 - 4:36pm

how old is SS?

Chocoholic's picture

Submitted by Chocoholic on Fri, 10/19/2007 - 2:51am

My son used to scream, cry, hide, beg us not to take him to his dad, he would grab onto the door frames and hold on with all his might until his little fingers turned white.... we would literally have to drag him kicking and screaming to his dad.... It was heartbreaking and I felt really badly for my ex too because that would have really hurt my feelings if our son was acting that way toward me. Eventually our son stopped throwing such a fit when it was time to go to his dad's house.
I know it hurts to be in your shoes.... please know that you are NOT doing anything wrong.... young children simply want their moms from time to time and that is just natural. Honestly, I would be more worried if a young child didn't want his or her mom.
I entered my SS's life when he was only 9 months, we are very close and he will never remember life without me in it. I really feel like I am his mom too.... Nonetheless, my SS just wants his BM sometimes.... or doesn't want to leave her.
It does make you wonder why sometimes....(especially when you don't think very highly of BM) but the simple answer is: Thats his mom.

"Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people ever have is when they take a bite out of you."