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ADVICE NEEDED

nicolerw's picture

Submitted by nicolerw on Thu, 10/11/2007 - 2:13pm

I need some advice im scared, when he reaches the age where he blames SM for mommy and daddy not being together.im worried that when SS gets a little older he is going to want me out of the picture.Im hoping that is won't be as bad since ive been around since SS was an infant,verses if SM became part of his life when he was older.I love SS so much but i know the time will come where he is going to see me as the bad guy(evil SM)and i will be hurt.I know BM will just make it 100 times worse fill his head with lies about me.I just need some advice for when the day comes, a good way to handle it.

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Imustbcrazy's picture

Submitted by Imustbcrazy on Thu, 10/11/2007 - 2:44pm

I have learned not to worry about the "what if's". In my case I truly AM the reason DH and BM are not together... I am NOT PROUD of my actions... I have my own issues of guilt when it comes to how DH and I got together (it was not romantic until AFTER he left her, but ultimatly, I am the reason he left her)SO, I go through the thoughts of "what will happen when SS is old enough to understand, and BM TELLS him how things went down". But you know what? I can't stress myself out with those thoughts. All I can do is love this little boy the best way I know how. Raise him to know that his father and I respect him and his feelings and want what is best for the kids. I can't worry about what she is telling him. Trust me this little boy has called me every name in the book (too young to know what he was saying) but his mom has filled his head with so much crap over the past 3 years. My SS LOVES me, unconditionally. I chalk that up to the innocense of a child. I have to enjoy it while it lasts I suppose and hope that when he is old enough to understand that we have raised him in a mannor that has taught him to have his OWN opinions. Raise him to know that no matter HOW Daddy and I got together, we ALL love him... even his mom. I have to take the higher road and make sure that I don't EVER say a negative word about his mom to him or in front of him. I can't stoop to her level. I want SS to be comfortable with me, and be able to express his opinions and be able to take the opinions of others in stride. Kids are smart, they will see people for who they really are sometimes sooner than us adults do. Just LOVE him, and he will make the right choices. Don't stress about it, just be a GOOD step mom, and things will be just fine. And if not, then deal with it then. Try not to make yourself sick of something that may or may NOT happen. BM in my case has EVERY RIGHT to hate me, to bad mouth me and to tell SS that I am the reason mommy and daddy are not together. Surprisingly enough, she and I are able to coexist, with regular co parent issues... but she RARELY brings up the fact that it is MY fault. They had a CRAPPY marriage, I know it is not MY FAULT. But had he and I never met, and become close friends, he never would have left her, he would have lived miserabley... at least he would not have done it so soon. They were only married for 6 months.

Daddys Gurl

It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!

nicolerw's picture

Submitted by nicolerw on Thu, 10/11/2007 - 3:08pm

Thanks for the advice, But in my case dad left BM before we got back together yeah back him and me dating off and on for ac ouple of years before him and BM got togetther you know the whole we were eachothers first thing! Dad and BM only hooked up(sleep together) never dating a couple of times and then found out BM was pregnant.Dad tried to do the right thing get a place to raise the child and get a good paying job.But he couldnt do the only reason he stayed so long into her pregnacey was she threated to abort SS if he left her!!!!!!!!So when she was so far into the pregnancy where it was illegal he got the hell away from her!Then fate happened with me him!It was scary at first i enetered a whole new world i don't have any kids so this was hard at first.But now me and SS have tight bond.Took me awhile to get use to the fact nomore parties staying out late and all that stuff,but i rather me with SS than do what all my friends are doing now.The hardest part and still is dealing with the BM!!!!

Colorado Girl's picture

Submitted by Colorado Girl on Thu, 10/11/2007 - 4:32pm

We have such similarities in how we got where we are. I too battle with guilt. I helped pick up the pieces after BM left my husband. Do I blame myself for him ultimatley going through with the divorce even after BM asked for him back? Yes. Was the divorce my fault? No. It was theirs. I am divorced as well and I could care less what the reasons were. It's over and done with. Can't we all just MOVE ON?

I have that fear as well. Will the girls believe their mom's version of events? I hope not. Will I sink to her level and tell the girls the horrible things BM has put their father through (even her being unfaithful right in front of his face)? Of course not. They see me for the person I am, not the monster she makes me out to be. My only hope is that they'll not follow in their mother's shoes - my husband ALWAYS tells me, you can learn as much from a bad example as you can a bad one.

Chocoholic's picture

Submitted by Chocoholic on Thu, 10/11/2007 - 3:07pm

You can't stop the ideas that bm may put in SS's head... you can't stop how she portrays you to SS....
What you do is be yourself and love, love, love your SS.
As SS gets older he will realize whos lying and whos not... who loves him, who stirs the pot, etc.

Relax and just be yourself... SS will love you for it!

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"
-Budda

Nymh's picture

Submitted by Nymh on Thu, 10/11/2007 - 6:36pm

First, and most importantly, what you need to do to prepare for that day is NOT WORRY ABOUT IT. Don't bother yourself with what might happen in the future. Just be as good a step mom that you can be between now and eternity and take every day as it comes.

Maybe BM will start to fill SS's head with things. But you know what? Kids are really smart. My SS hears crap about me all the time from BM, but he knows it isn't true. He likes me for who I am and he resents his mother for trying to lie to him about me and turn him against me when he doesn't see anything wrong with me. Just relax! If you spend time worrying about it, that will be time wasted that you could have spent having fun and enjoying yourself and your time with SS. And remember...the more fun he has with you, and the more he gets to know how great you are, the less likely it will be that he will ever think negatively of you.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

kathleen's picture

Submitted by kathleen on Thu, 10/11/2007 - 10:01pm

We all need to live in the present. If you worry about what might be, you will create that with your thoughts. Think about how you feel about your step child now. Think about love. Everything will evolve the way it should. Stay in the present, and love this child, your husband and yourself. All will be perfect. I promise.