New member...sort of
Hey everyone..i've been on here on and off mostly just as a reader but have decided to start being an active participant. I also stopped writing because we don't actually see SS that much so I honestly don't even really consider myself a SM. but every once in awhile such as the summer or a holiday approaches and I start to get all anxious because I know that we will be seeing SS again. anyway just to recap we live about 9 hours away from SS and BM. DH and BM split when SS was about 3 and BM has since remarried and DH and I have been together 4 years. BM is usually not much of an issue. I mean she is on welfare and doesn't work and collects her CS every month and mostly doesn't bother us. She has full legal and physical custody of SS8. She at times has offered to let DH have SS start living with us because she can't handle him but has never gone through with it. DH loves SS a lot but is not really involved with his life at all. He calls him once a week if he remembers, picks him up to go to MILs about once every 2-3 months and pays CS but is otherwise not involved in his parenting. At first I thought this arrangement worked in my favour but now that we have DD10mths I realized that DH, while he may love his kids, is just not going to ever be an involved dad and it kills me. I take care of DD as a stay at home mom and also run our business from home, needless to say I am completely exhausted all the time. DH works a full time job and then comes home and devotes his evenings and all weekends to renovating our house and our other properties. We barely get to spend time together, much less any real quality time and it's affecting our relationship. He doesn't seem to realize it though and I'm getting to the point where I'm too tired to try to explain to him the fact that we have to set aside time for us as a family, him to spend time with DD and couple time for us. He just wants to work, it seems like.
Anyway now that Christmas is around the corner again, the issue of SS comes up. This year we are going to my MILs to spend a weekend with SS. I know this topic has been talked about lots before but I'm having a hard time being ok with DH going to spend so much quality time with his son, while this is his only whole weekend off in what seems like a year, and DD and I are just "there" also. I totally understand that SS hardly gets to see his father and that they need to spend time together, but DD and I live with this man day in and day out and all we get are his time scraps (he's so tired by the time he's done working everyday and goes straight to bed that there are days he doesn't even talk to, hold or play with DD.)
Sorry if this was too long, I am just so resentful these days imjust have to get it all out. More to come...
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i thought i was reading my
i thought i was reading my own blog for a minute LOL although i dont have any children and im nervous for when dh and i do. i grew up with a very involved, play with us everyday no matter what kind of dad and dhs absance from sss life scares me. i cant imagine what ur going thru. im sure oife is stressful for dh in a way no one will ever know but perhaps if you involve dh in a way he cant ignore. for instnce, when ur with dd, refer to dh, say "do you want to go to the pool? should mommy and daddy take you swimming?"
Thank you for that. Yes I
Thank you for that. Yes I know it is not his son's fault at all but it's almost like I am jealous of the quality time he gets to spend with DH while our daughter and I get nothing. I have mentioned counselling before and he said it's a waste of time and money but then he usually gives up and just says sure I'll go, but we never get around to actually going. I will definitely start looking up places that offer it though, we really need it now...
I feel like this could have
I feel like this could have been my post. My husband is the exact same way.
The only thing is, we have tried the things suggested here by other posters.
I have tried to make plans for him with the family and with me. What happens is he gets resentful because he doesn't want to do it, or he expects a "cookie" for doing these things. When you plan out an outing with the family, and your husband participates, but then afterwards acts like it was a huge deal and you owe him, it gets really old, really fast.
We have gone to marriage counseling, only for my husband to out and out deny that he doesn't spend time with us. Or he tells me I'm exaggerating the extent to which it happens. Or he says that maybe it does happen, but it's not like I'm perfect either so lay off.
So we got very little accomplished in marriage counseling. Our marriage counselor basically "fired" us because she told us she didn't think she was helping us, lol.
The reason I give you all this background is I feel like I was in your same situation 5 years ago, except it hasn't gotten much better. In fact, in some ways it is worse, because I have already tried everything I could think of and it still hasn't really worked, so I have no real hope it is going to change anymore.
One thing I would say, and this is the most important, as soon as you can, get a job outside the house, or get an education to get a good job (unless this business you say you run out of the house could comfortably support you.) Because you want to have options if it ever really gets to you. If your husband is like this with you and the kids, he may do a 180 and change one day, but IMHO once people are settled adults, the odds are against them substantially changing how they behave and act.
Good luck.