what should I do, what should I feel
My SD informed her biomom on monday that she is not coming back to our house (we have 50/50). I believe it is because our house is strict with rules the rules are no tv, no computer, no music until homework is finished - then after homework she can do what she wants. She has rules to clean/pick up her bedroom and bathroom - but those rules only have to be followed if she wants to earn money - not required. She has no rules at her biomom's house. Also, my husband and I struggle to get her up in the morning for school, my husband says she watches her tv in her room while getting ready and it distracts her and doesn't give her time to eat breakfast before school. The day she made the decision not to come back to our house, I turned the tv off in her room that morning so she would hurry up and come eat breakfast before school. I am partially happy she doesn't want to come back - am I bad for feeling this way?
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Comments
the constant battle...it will never end
while i understand what you are going through...my oldest bonus son is 16 and has never had any responsibility at his mothers, so when asked to help out around the house when home he explains according to his mother time at dad's should be like a vacation not for chores. this will be a never ending battle, for some reason some parents choose to raise their children in a fantasy bubble without any reality checks. as a warning..the result in our household is a 16year young man who would rather play barbies with his five year old sister than consider a job, his future plans etc. i have tried to get over the guilt of feeling happy when he does not visit, because to be honest he is more work during the visits than his 3other siblings combined...but we have resolved that when visits do happen...if we can prick that fantasy bubble even a little, in the end it is our kids who will be better for it, therefore like it or not if they want that cash, game, etc they should learn to work for it
Questions
How old is SD? How long has she been staying with you 50/50?
What kind of relationship does BF and BM have now?
answers to Q's
age 12, 50/50 since March or April 2006. relationship, BF and BM civil but not buddies. BF limits conversation to just SD issues at hand - BM tends to go off on tangents and makes up answers or excuses that are a little nutty. If he gets too communicative, she calls all the time for favors and gossip.
amen, thank you
amen thank you.
I wish I knew
what advice to give. The emotions on this are complex. I have been afraid that as the kids get older we will hear more on this issue, because we enforce rules more strictly than BM and her new hubby do.
Kids will play the situation; they don't have the mature judgment to separate what they like from what's good for them--that's why they're kids--so I can hardly blame them. I would have wanted to be at the "easier" house when I was a kid too. If the parents don't have an understanding about it being okay to have different rules and about respecting each other's rules, then it can be a real problem in custody issues. The potential for this to come up scares me and I don't know of any easy answers.
If you are already have complications with managing your SD then it is not surprising you feel some measure of relief. I am not going to get on a high horse about that, I think it's human. It sounds like your house tries to set guidelines that are in SD's best interests and it is a shame for HER that she has control enough to just say she doesn't want to follow them, by escaping. It doesn't do her any good in the long run.
What do they think?
Sorry for the questions. I see where you are coming from. And I understand your feeling a little like 'fine by me'.
What does your BF and/or BM have to say about her threat? Sorry, at twelve they are clueless as to what is best for them.
What they think
BM thinks SD will change her mind. BF believes that our rules of the house are in SD best interest and we discussed the rules before we set them.
Hello
This is my take on this. First of all you are not wrong in how you feel you are human. And after you get hurt a few times its a little easier to say "whatever"..
I think that if the BP let this little girl choose what she wants to do they are setting themselves up for a huge mess. 1. Because I believe a child is a child and until they can be fully responsible for themselves then an adult should set the rules. 2. every kid needs rules. if they do not have rules, they will have a hard time adjusting to real life. in everyday life as adults we live by rules. We can't go out and drive any way we want too. There are speed limits. People who work have rules, I mean life is one big set of rules. You can choose to follow them or not. SO in essence what I am trying to say to you is she must be made to come to your house. So she knows who makes the rules and that is you and BF and mom. That is life. Also just so your BF knows in most states by law the child has to go to dad's until they are 18 if the BM says no to the court order she can go to jail. I only know becuase my lawyer said that to me.. WOW huh..
She is 12 and is just angry because there is rules and now she cannot do whatever she wants too.
Have a happy day...
Happy
thank you happy
your comment is great thank you so much. I do not have any children of my own and have never been responsible for anyone else's kids before being a SM to this 12 year old. With that said, I lack a lot of experience. But I do know that when I was her age I respected adults and always did what my parents said and followed their rules - I was afraid of the consequences. BF was too raised to respect and listen to his parents.
50/50 problematic
Been here done this. Spent 12 years 50/50 with Stepson who succumbed (with absolutely no warning) to the easier softer way at age 16. Honestly, there was very little conflict and a great deal of love between us all but he then saw that he could party at Mom's with very little supervision. Clearly, she must have been giving him the green light to abandon ship for some time before he took her up on it. He has alienated himself from his father and I for the past two years but calls/emails every couple of months to "try and reconnect" and gushes affectionately about how much he misses us but then never follows through with a visit, etc. The worst part here is that he was encouraged to alienate from us (mother essentially gave him her apartment and then traveled 90% of the time - so he was living alone at age 16 - no law prevents this) but he does not have the emotional maturity or understanding to maintain or repair the relationship - He said he needed "more freedom" and then he further rationalized that we were unkind to him. I think he knew that simply wanting to party was a shallow reason to leave. He clearly feels guilty for leaving us (and an 8 year old half sister who he literally has not seen since she clung to his leg sobbing two years ago). Rather than try, he isolates further and, in his case drinks too much. By now, he obviously feels like hell about himself, he has failed out of his first semester in college and is headed to an outward bound type thing in Australia - How much farther away from the situation could he get? The problem here is that you really cannot have two sets of expectations and rules - period. However, you also can't compromise what you think is vital and important. For example, BM did not want him to work - ever - didn't believe in it. We could not go along with that - so, he went where he was allowed to coast. She also felt that it was not important to ask him about his schoolwork etc. She reasoned that he would work it out he needed to be independent, etc. After a series of D+ and C- report cards, we were taking away some privileges - a move she dubbed "cruel" He was formerly very close to his father - they shared many hobbies and a great deal of time together. Now they have nothing. The moral of the story is that by sticking to our guns we lost him, he lost us, my daughter lost and a very smug BM threw him under the bus in the name of proving herself the better parent (taking a shot at us whatever). She has a very disengaged 2nd husband and they travel often - SS must be very lonely. Now he doesn't know what hit him and she is taking a position that all of it "was his decision" - at barely 16 he should not have made this decision (nor did he - he was bribed). Nothing was preventing him from working on it or working it out except her need to exploit him - now he is more ill-equipped than ever to fix what he has done. Say a prayer. This is the type of division you can expect from a 50/50 without people on the same page - Then again, there was NOTHING to be done to get on the same page - Sadly, if we had it to do over, we would change very little. He will have to figure out what happened to him as he matures. Hope he can - Sure is a loss for everyone.
Scared
What is said in this post is what I fear will happen with my ss. I try not to worry about this but it is always in the back of my mind especially as my ss gets closer to being a teen.
Dawn
force placement until 18?
I was told by another that the child has no choice in the eyes of the court that they have to abide by the 50/50 and can be forced to do so. If the BM prevents this she can go to jail. That way you show the child that they have to follow rules. - told to me by another, I don't know personally.
spoiled kids...hard to change
i would feel like how you feel, relieve not coming back so i don't have to put up w/attitude and not following rules. they don't like the rules then get out...that's what i believe.
-happy mom
Okay, sounds good!
I would totally support her not coming back, since she has been emancipated, gotten a job and is 100% self-supporting. That IS the case, right? I mean, if she's making life-altering decisions like that on her own at the age of 12, well, then she MUST have been legally emancipated and is paying her own way, right? Right?! Huh?! (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)
You know, twelve is a good age to start learning all about life's little disappointments, rules and responsibility. About making choices and living with them, about accepting what you cannot change and instead of fighting it, trying to find ways to make it work. She's twelve, she's hormonal, she's a girl and she's approaching DREADED TEENDOM. Who on earth could fault you for feeling some relief?!
I wouldn't let her do it, though, that's a parenting decision, not a kid decision, and unless Dad and Mom agree that what she wants is for the best, then I'd advise her to suck it up and make the best of it.
~ Anne ~
This is what I said.....
I have a 10 yo sd who gets away with the world at bm's. When things got really hairy at our house and we put the foot down - she didnt like it. Dad and I finally told her this - "I really dont care if you like our rules or not but as long as these rules dont hurt you - you WILL DO THEM. You can want to live at moms all the time but we dont care - you live here half the time and if u dont like it tough and u wanna know why - cause your dad and I love you and want to see you and spend time with you. Now go clean your room!" We make it clear - dont play those games here - we wont fall for that o poor pitty me crap..........
Oh hi guys! I'm new here - what a way to start!