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any bms have advice/input on this one? or steps?

new evil stepmom's picture

dh and i are dealing with a bm who either wants more money or is manipulated by 13 year-old who is lazy about rules and homework.

they went to mediation today (we currently have 50/50 placement). our 50/50 is one week on/one week off. bm is fighting for 100% (dh has had 100% since sd was 6 years-old to 12 years-old - bm always lost in court).

my issue is this, it seems sd does not want to be around me or does not like our rules in our home and therefore wants to stay at bm's 100% and they are using the hours dh is able to spend with sd as an excuse. mediator asked why sd couldn't be with bm when dh is at work (which would break our 50/50). dh replied, why can't sd be with sm - sm enforces discipline, rules, and helps sd with homework and due to this sd was on A honor roll (sd went from A honor roll 3.97 GPA to a 1.733 GPA when bm refused to let her come back to our house for the remainder of the school year and all summer). dh and i feel it is very important for sd to have our type of structure, the proof is in the grades. we fear that 100% in bm's hands this girl will not be successful and fall between the cracks. we feel she will have the opportunity to go to college and do anything she wants with her future in our environment, the proof is in the grades.

sd seems to have fun with me, we spend a lot of time together we go shopping, play tennis, do homework - she always has a smile on her face and appears to be happy.

has anyone on this site ever experienced this type of struggle? what was the outcome? should we give up and let the cards fall where they do as far as sd's future?

does any of the skids out there spend a lot of time with the step parent due to work schedule of the bio parents?

dh commented that maybe he should quit his job so he can spend more time with sd, mediator and all in court said no, you don't want to do that. if he did do this there would be no more money for bm! i think it is a great idea and i am going to talk to him about if further. i am pretty sure we could pull it off financially.

please let me know if there could be any other motive here, or if i am off the mark?

sorry so wordy

Comments

Colorado Girl's picture

Do you watch her afterschool until DH gets home from work? I mean that would only be a couple hours. She's thirteen, she's old enough to stay home by herself at that point.

Why would BM need 100% placement? That seems a little extreme if her only reasoning is that she spends more time with you rather than DH.

Also, a friend of mine went through the same with her bio-daughter, wanted to go live with dad because the rules were more relaxed and the courts said absolutley not, she'd been doing well right where she was at and although they weigh the wishes of the child, it is absolutely not a deciding factor. Judges are not so naive to not understand that a child wants to go where the rules are not.

Now, I am a bio-mom as well and I have have never had to deal with a step-mom yet. But in a similar sense my children's aunt (ex's sister) watches them Saturday nights a lot because my ex husband works nights every other Saturday. I have always felt that it really isn't my concern. They are sleeping 3 hours after she gets them and he picks them up the next morning for 3 hours before I pick them back up. It would be very petty of me to say that they could be spending this time with me instead of ex's sister.

If my assumptions are right, her reasons are jaded and extreme. Do what is in the best interest of your SD.

new evil stepmom's picture

and takes her to school. he picks her up from school at 3pm, at 4:30pm he goes to work. it is sd and me from 6pm until she goes to bed while dh is at work. weekends it is all 3 of us the entire time.

i like your insite so far, there is a lot more to write here, but little time. i believe there is a lot of jealousy that bm has for me. sd's grandma and aunt rave about the A honor roll and points out that it is due to me, etc.

new evil stepmom's picture

she only makes 13k/yr and has been evicted from all apts except this one - she is a manager at this one and one of the perks is free rent. thanks so much for your take on this. i will keep your advice in mind when the time comes (1 yr thing with no bouncing back and forth). i believe bm's motive is higher child support payments if this 100% custody happens.

Colorado Girl's picture

it's for higher child support. Otherwise it wouldn't be part of their motions.....