Effing skids
I have been "raising" my SS8 and SD5 since they were 4 and 1. We have a rather unique situation as their BM is my wife. She married the kids BF because that was the "right thing to do" but knew for years she was a lesbian. We fell fast into love, moving in together and she insisted she wanted me to help raise the kids as if they were mine. To say the last few years have been challenging would be an understatement. Fortunately, she and I are a great team. That is the blessing and curse. I tolerate her children because she and I are so great together but I really don't know if I love them.
The X is a massive tool with control issues who wants to see his kids and have a say in everything without paying anything. After years of me picking up, dropping off, bathing, cooking, wiping asses, waking up during the night.....I feel completely drained. Skids are with us all of the time and go to BF every other weekend and those 2 days are just not enough for me to recover. I find myself trying to hide away and wishing they weren't here when they are.
SS has severe ADHD that has been diagnosed, he goes to therapy and is medicated. Still, in my opinion, his meds don't work well enough desired many changes. He is loud and constantly making annoying sounds. He beats himself up over things he does wrong out forgets to do but the truth is, he is lazy, just like his dad. I resent him for making my house so noisy and messy.
SD acts like she is starved for attention even if you have spent the entire day hanging out with her. She asks the most ridiculous questions and points out obvious facts constantly. She always wants to be touching you, even at the most inconvenient times. She struggles trying to learn anything and teaching her is downright painful.
DW has been trying to communicate to BF how badly we need help paying for everything, but he sucks. She tries to make things work the best we can, but I'm ready to pull my money out and force him to help pay for his kids. We want to go to court to update custody (originally 50/50 split w/ no CS) but can't hire an attorney without funds.
How do we change what we have been doing after doing it wrong so long? How do I disengage? I'm just so over it today...
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Comments
Does the bio dad actually
Does the bio dad actually have his kids fifty percent of the time? I'm just curious since you say you've done so much of the parenting. Why can't your partner support her own kids half the time?
Look, you're burnt out emotionally and financially. These are not your kids and although it was great of you to step up, it's incumbent on your partner to parent and support her children. If bio parents can get burnt out, it stands to reason that a person without a biological connection would do so, too.
I recalibrated my marriage several years ago. It wasnt easy to get my partner on the same page, because like you I had been doing too much while he got to skate. You can do it the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is, you sit your partner down, explain how you feel burnt out, and emphasize that it's in the skids' best interest for you to step back emotionally and financially. The two of you brainstorm and come up with a plan of action that includes her stepping up more and pursuing financial support elsewhere while you support her endeavors. The hard way is, you drop the rope, period dot. Often, a parent doesn't want to step up or thinks we're merely complaining or venting. They like the unbalanced status quo because it benefits them the most, and resist changes to it. The hard way may require complete disengagement and a willingness to end the relationship. It means prioritizing your own needs and putting up hard boundaries.
Your wife needs to find solutions other than you, and if she feels she's entitled to child support, she should petition the court for it. Many people do this without representation. Does she qualify for low cost legal aid? What about using a paralegal instead of an attorney? Bottom line is, you need assert yourself in order to put pressure on her and take it off you.
A year ago custody changed
A year ago custody changed from 50/50 physical custody. Now the kids are with us full time and spend every other weekend with their dad. The goal was to give SS more stability to help with his ADHD, which has seemed to help. BF has no stability, different women moving in with their kids, a zoo of dogs and cats at his house and he has no clue how to raise children. It genuinely is a mess and when the kids would spend an entire week with him, they came back unruly to say the least. Now he picks them up from school, sounds a couple hours with them then drops them off when I get home from work. DW has tried asking for support, he is just incompetent. He is going to "try" to get us $100 a month starting in April, which is more than he has ever done.
I know I made out sound like I'm doing everything, which sometimes feels like the case. DW works later than I do, so I make dinner, do homework and make sure kids get their chores done. She gets home and helps with baths and bedtime. On the weekend she does a lot more with them then I do it we do it together as a family. She understands my angst and steps up to help. DW is also pursuing her Masters degree, so I try to do more to help support her to allow time for homework. I know I have stretched myself too thin, like most women, I expect more from myself than I can deliver. Which leads to these times of feeling taken advantage of and compeletly deleted. I don't know where to draw the line between being a supportive partner and taking on too much.
I honestly believe we have an exceptional marriage. We communicate, sometimes too much, being two women. She understands my challenges and tries to help as much as she can. She also suffers from PTSD, so sometimes her fears won't allow her to challenge BF as she is crippled by the thought of him taking the kids. Despite that, she has put more pressure on him, explaining the kids deserve more than we can give them due to him not helping financially. When they divorced, they put 50/50 custody with no CS, so that is what our state currently has on record. We just don't know how to update things without spending a ton of money on an attorney. Where do you even start that process? I just assumed you need an attorney.
Child Support Services = Online & Free!
It's free to go online or to go to your local child support agency and open a case. Both parties will be required to submit Income & Expense (I&E) on the CS forms, and then they use that info and DissoMaster to calculate CS based on the I&E and custody order (CO).
It's do-able without having to pay attorneys. All the info is online, just look up Child Support / Your State / Your County. Good luck!
"She wanted me to raise the
"She wanted me to raise the kids as if they were mine." Sounds like you sure have been doing that, and as if you are a single parent! You complain about how awful the BD is, but where the hell is your "loving" GF while you are wiping asses, doing pick-ups and drop-offs, bathing, cooking and dealing with middle of the night wake-ups??
I don't think BD is your problem - neither parent seems to want to be a hands-on parent. Now, I know you are going to defend your GF because you love her, but she's using you to do the heavy lifting and that needs to stop. They are NOT your kids, no matter how much she wants them to be - they are HER kids, and you are the stepparent, who can help as you see fit, but should not be the primary parent.
And you can go to court without an attorney, most states have all the forms online and they can easily be filled out. Just be sure she has proof of the fact that he's not taking the kids 50/50.
Has your DW been documenting
Has your DW been documenting how often the BD exercises visitation? She should be keeping a calendar that records visitation, doctor and dental appointments, school activities, and any support received. Does she take the tax deduction for both kids? She will need some sort of proof that she's primary if she's planning on petitioning the court.
C.s. is usually an easier battle than custody, especially if you're in a state that calculates support by the number of nights spent in each house. As long as your wife has sufficient proof that she has had custody the majority of the time for the last several months, it could be as simple as filling out forms, paying some fees, and appearing before the judge. But she can Google all this info, including the support calculator for your state. The real issue getting her to actually do it, since she would rather avoid it and lean on you instead. This is not uncommon on this site, but it's still wrong and you need to make a stand about it.
Can you clarify what you meant by saying your DW is crippled by the fear of her ex taking the kids? Is she afraid he'll pursue more custody, or would she rather he didn't exercise visitation at all?
Ah yes, the part I was
Ah yes, the part I was avoiding. We have talked a lot about the need for documentation. But I am the only one who tried and when I realized that I stopped. We have talked about getting in touch with an attorney but she hasn't followed through. It is always one thing or another. You're right, I need to hold her accountable for what she says she will do. We tried to claim both of the kids, since this last year we had them full time, but BF already filed and claimed SS.
She has it in her head that trying to challenge BF by updating custody and CS in court will cause him to react by trying to gain more custody with the kids. He really is a piece of work and I would prefer the kids be there as little as possible as well. But that doesn't mean he should just get to skate by.
You won't get a lot of
You won't get a lot of support here for trying to keep the bio father away from his kids. The reality is that for better or worse, your wife chose him to be the other parent. The skids are solely their responsibility to rear and support. If your DW chose unwisely, that's her row to hoe. She has no right to try to erase him ( kids need to have both parents in their life and it's in their best interest), but should hold him accountable financially and attempt to build a coparenting relationship with him. Your involvement/earnings should be a bonus to an already operating arrangement, not the glue and paycheck that keeps it all together.
I know that you're in a hard place and feel conflicted. You love your W and want to be a "good spouse", but who gets to decide what that means? Currently she's expecting an awful lot from you while not handling her own business, and that's not fair to you, the skids, or even their dad. You're on this site because you know your relationship is out of balance, and you feel resentful because you're being expected to do more than either parent currently is. Your needs matter, too.
Someone needs to be a leader in your household, and I nominate you since your W has demonstrated that she is willing to give in to emotional thinking and exploit you instead of doing what's best for everyone. I'm not saying she's evil, just that on this particular issue, you can't rely on her judgement. What would she do if you weren't around? That's what she should be doing.
It is possible to draw boundaries in a loving way, and be supportive without enabling. You need to assert and advocate.for yourself and the skids, and insist that your W handle her parenting responsibilities. Don't let her draw you into her emotions on the subject. PTSD or not, she's a parent and needs to do right by her kids, and a wife who needs to do right by you.