This has been the longest five months of my life.  SS11 is finally off all medication and is actually doing much better.  We had a good 8 weeks there where I thought I might rip my face off.  While the violence and constant BS is now a very dull roar (maybe one mild fit /week versus multiple times/day), I don’t find myself liking this child any more than I did before.

I am very equal parts feeling horrible about not having more compassion to the issues that aren’t his fault AND feeling proud of myself for knowing my own limitations.  How many of us took on the step-parent role either by our own choice or that of the OP not knowing what we would be in for? I’m assuming it’s probably a lot of people based on what I’ve read. 

DH and I finally did get to a point where I let him know this simply wasn’t working for the other FIVE people in the home and he needed to have a discussion with BM about the possibility of SS returning to her custody full time.  After all, she’s unemployed, lives with her parents at 46 years old and has nothing else to do BESIDES raise autistic SS.  No joke you guys – she said no.  “That isn’t an option.” So I blared Nothing Else Matters by Metallica on loop last Saturday morning when I got this information and scrubbed the hell out of my house while laugh/crying like a crazy person.  It was rather freeing.  Metallica isn’t in my typical Spotify playlist but it was so fitting. 

So he’s here to stay.  I have discussed ‘out of the box’ ideas with DH like getting my own apartment when I can afford to and using it as my own version of respite.  When I’ve had too much, need a break, etc. I can carve out a place full of my own items and energy and use it as a weekend retreat.  That was one idea I had because honestly, the idea of living in the same home as him full time for the next 15+ years (if there is even an end date) feels suffocating.  I am two and a half years away from my youngest graduating high school and she has big plans for herself.  My older 2 kids are already in college and while they live with us currently, they’ll be out on their own soon enough.  I had my tubes tied at 29 for a reason, knowing by mid-late forties, I’d be done with the day in, day out raising of children.  All that has changed now that he lives with us. 

Now that his aggression is very mild, which I am beyond relieved about, his immaturity is really coming through (not that throwing shit fits is mature).  It’s clear he has a LONG way to go and I think it’s reasonable to expect a good 10-15 years beyond today for him to learn better social skills, follow directions, improve in school work and learn the skills needed to get a job.  It seems like it rips DH’s heart out every time I talk about freedom but I simply can’t resign myself to this life as it currently stands.  He circles the house constantly and now that he’s not throwing fits all the time, wants to be part of whatever’s going on.  The problem is, and we all recognize this isn’t his fault, he dominates everything we do from watching The Voice on TV to having a conversation in the den.  It’s exhausting, irritating and draining.  I often wish I had a different personality where I could view him through a more compassionate lens. 

So – as any of you are trying to disengage a bit without 1,000’s of dollars to spend, what do you all do with your time?