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Three Months...

Mystic18's picture

SS has been with us three months and three days.  It's honestly been some of the worst months of my life.  DH and I are in counseling. 

School only started a month ago and SS has already required alternate placement to a more restrictive school.  While he was in an autistic support classroom within mainstream middle school, any task demand, I mean virtually ANY demand (like doing your math or anything else required by the teacher) sends him into a full blown, 6 foot tall toddler tantrum:  upending desks, crawling on the floor, head banging, throwing chairs, screaming and cussing at the teachers and other students, running down the hallway and banging on lockers...intentionally broke the screen of a school computer.  At home, he has purposefully knocked over his bookcase, destroyed shorts and blu rays, broken hangers, broken his blinds, thrown books, ripped books, etc.  My nerves are absolutely shot.  

It's currently impossible to muster the compassion needed for this type of behavior.  If you struggle with learning, fine.  If you need help giving language to your emotions, fine.  But the constant screaming, whining, yelling, banging, throwing....it's straight up a-hole behavior.  I keep telling DH this is a VERY high price to pay to rehab someone else's kid.  Meanwhile, BM finally got to take a vacation, so that's cool. 

The ball is rolling for in-home help through the Mental Health Dept here in our state though that won't likely be set until mid to late October.  I can appreciate he needs the help and honestly so do we, but the thought of giving up our family private time so random people can come into the home and work with him sometimes pisses me off.  I am hoping the counselor will help me work through the resentment I feel, if that's even possible.  I listen to motivational videos, Super Soul podcasts, read books, etc. in an attempt to work through this anger and daily it resurfaces.  Then it pisses me off that I feel the need to go through some soul evaluation when the truth is, me and my children don't want him here.  Some days my husband is on the fence with that as well.  I just feel like I have the shittiest attitude and I don't know how to fix it.  Is there anyone out there who would view this as an "opportunity" or blessing? I'm all about helping people, that's what we should do as a human race.  But this just seems excessive, constantly stressful and really f-n expensive.  

Comments

tog redux's picture

Wow.

I'm not sure I'd stay to deal with that. He sounds like he needs a group home placement at the minimum. But it's really not your problem.  It may sound harsh, but I think I'd get my own place - not divorce or even separate, but just see DH when I could.  This is really not what you signed up for, I'm certain.

SteppedOut's picture

Same. There is no way I could deal with all that.

As tog suggested... is a group home setting an option? I can only imagine the cost...but it may be worth the peace.

Mystic18's picture

I absolutely think a group home/residential school would be his best option if we could afford it.  He needs someone by his side 24/7.  He is VERY needy which adds to the exhaustion.  

SteppedOut's picture

Definitely discuss with your husband! 

Also, is BM paying CS? I would imagine, just like daycare costs for small children, any costs associated with this would be partialy her responsibility also. 

tog redux's picture

In my state, a placement like this would likely be paid for without any cost to you - mostly by the state, or by Medicaid (which your SS is likely eligible for, as he is disabled).  But I live in a state with a lot of services and he would qualify for them.

Harry's picture

ONE : Be on meds, to stop this behavior or

TWO : group Home , where they will put him on meds.   You realize he can not be fixed.  He will not leave at 18.  This is a lifetime thing. His or your lifetime.  Do you really want to wast your life ?  You only have one life, don’t wast it 

ndc's picture

I agree with the prior posters. This is not a kid who will ever launch. I would move out.  Your children and you deserve a peaceful life. Let DH visit when he can. That will likely incentivize him to look at other alternatives for SS, because this one isn't working for your family.  This is no way to live - you'll burn yourself out and ruin your health and happiness (and eventually your marriage) with the anger and resentment you're feeling. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to your kids. With DH focused on SS, no one will look after your needs if you don't.

MoominMama's picture

What do the school do about his behaviour? Do they have a reward for good behaviour system going?. It's a shame that this has all come about so late at age 11. It will be very hard to break his habit of using bad behaviour to get his way. That's what was happening with my SS then 8. He really did all the things you describe and also in the class room. He was lording it over those poor children, he was almost 2 years older than a lot of them (they held him back as they thought it was a maturity problem) and basically physically threatened and bullied to only do what he wanted. Smashed stuff up and ran away. The school were saying 'oh the poor thing' trying to play nicey nicey. I told DH that he needed to get him out of that school and into somewhere with more structure and a real system for working with his problems.

Meanwhile, we began to work on his problems at home now that BM was only involved eowe. AS is not always the only reason that children act up. It can also be a set of learned behavioral problems that basically works for him as people are too upset, tired and confused to do anything about it.

What is his currency? what does he enjoy? Use that to get behaviours you want and restrict it when he plays up. At first you will probably get an increase in acting up but if he stick to your guns things should improve. We found that too much computer time really worsened SS's aggression. We used that as the currency.

For us the meds did not help him. In fact they worsened his weight problems (and a heavy, strong aggressive child is not a good idea) and DH decided to take him off them. There was no worsening of aggression having taken him off the meds so obviously they weren't working and I think actually made him worse. I agree, he cannot be fixed, but you may be able to improve his behaviour but only if your DH works with you and both of you are very consistent with rewards or punishments.

I can understand that you may not feel you can do this and so in that case the Home might be the best option. Have to admit that we considered boarding school for SS although when it came down to it we could not afford the fees.

*ps. i have to warn you also to take into consideration that as they hit puberty other odd behaviours may begin. Those are the things we have never been able to stop in SS now 18 and that's why I can't wait for him to move out.

Mystic18's picture

The mainstream middle school he was in had a fantastic reward/structure system in place for him.  He didn't respond to it and we can't figure out why aside from growing up in an environment where nothing was ever expected of him.  He's been to now 7 or 8 schools I think since kindergarten.  This new school uses ABA techniques but honestly, after last week I haven't asked DH a lot of questions about it.  I need for him to take the lead on this as we both missed adulting last week due to him not being allowed to go back to school and I'm still fairly upset about the havoc this is all causing to my home. 

At home, we struggle to find what motivates him.  He likes watching TV, YouTube, video games, etc., but after severely inappropriate usage of YouTube (see next paragraph) and his behavior in general, we put a stop to all screen time.  We have that set up now where he can earn some screen time back with good behavior, but it doesn't seem to motivate him enough.  We've talked about Halloween, says he doesn't care.  We really are out of ideas and look forward to the in-home help and any recommendations he/she may have to turn this crap around. 

Puberty? Strange behavior? Yep.  He was caught with his hands in his pants three separate times at his old school and vocalized to just about every female teacher and aide that he was having "urges" and even went so far as to ask the teacher if he could touch her.  It was mortifying.  He approached my daughter at one point saying he was having urges and it made him feel funny and that he wanted to do things.  She sent him straight to his dad and barely talks to him now, though she has said it didn't seem like he was coming on to her.  She said it seemed more like he just wanted to talk about it.  He has refused to talk to his dad about it and when asked why, claimed "I don't know what he'll do to me" which is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard.  He lies a lot now.  That wasn't the case when he was younger.  Did you know a dentist once knocked the crap out of a kid so he would calm down and get some dental work done? BS. 

MoominMama's picture

With those sorts of behaviours I would be pushing for him to be in some sort of care. He is being inappropriate around your daughters and it can't go on. What does your DH think of it? He should be the one dealing with his son really. Personally, we did not find that the therapy SS had helped at all, he still did the same things (the odd behaviours).

I think for you the priorities are your daughters and your mental well being.

MelAnn's picture

I'm not sure how old you SS is but in 2nd grade my son was showing the same behaviors at home and school (he was diagnosed Autism at 3 and later, at 7, with others in addition to autism).  It is NOT EASY.  Starting at 16 months we had therapy in home - speech and developmental, he saw (and still sees a therapist) and I drove him to occupational therapy - all while working full time (my ex has always denied his diagnosis and stated he'll 'grow out of it').  By the time he was in second grade he'd been kicked out of two daycare centers and we were having discussions of him going to a therapeutic day school (now in 6th grade he's been doing so well he's in the midst of transitioning back to mainstream).  I share all of this as - being a parent of a special needs kid - it's not easy - there's a ton to it - school meetings, therapies, social groups, etc.   I also have a daughter who is 3 years younger and have to spread my time between the two - he needs certain care but my daughter needs to have my time as well.  I have a SD - same age as my daughter - I attend her games and find time to hang with her.  It's all very exhausting - but it's possible to spread time between all family members (of course my husband as well).  

With all of the therapies and early interventions we did when my son was diagnosed he's progressed SO MUCH and I'm so proud of how far he's come but the ONE THING that is so IMPORTANT: I don't aliby for him - he needs to do things for himself.  You say your SS used to walk to the bus but now he's not - he needs that independence or regression in possible.  To help him progress he needs to be given more independence little by little, not taking it away.  Maybe your husband just got a bit spooked by what he heard and will chill a little.  And - I hope you all get time from him going forward too.

My husband and I have been married  a year and a half and together for 4......I laid everything out there for him when we were dating "this is what it's like......"  I shared all that was going on.  Despite the wonderful progress there are still issues we face.  Some days my husband and I are mentally drained and I certainly understand when he needs to walk away awhile - I don't blame him - but I also always make sure he knows how much I appreciate him.

Sorry for my rambling - just wanted to make you understand that I'm living a similar life (only in the position of BM) - your husband CAN ABSOLUTELY be there for all of you..........best of luck 

MoominMama's picture

'he needs that independence or regression in possible' 

Indeed, I have noticed that this is a common occurance with SS. He has to be pushed to act his age and do independant things and if you dont keep the pressure up he just regresses. It's like he would just become an obese kid in his underwear watching cartoons and getting aggressive all the time, like he was when i met DH.

Lavender88's picture

Autism is horrible. People love to talk about the gifted, quirky kid. No one likes to talk about the kind of autism that leave you terrified in your own home.

I only met Autistic SS11 after his paqrents marriage ended, and from listening to his siblings, his father, his grandfather, I can see the hell they don't want to admit. The family could not enjoy a family holiday, my OH would stay home with SS11 while his other 2 kids and wife went away somewhere sunny. SS11 doesn't travel well. School holidays were times of stress, not times of joy. Even going out for a burger sometimes ended in SS11 attacking a stranger, flipping tables etc. Can't have friends over... SS11 might attack them. He used to target his little sister, the violence he showed that girl was disgusting. Even now, he attacked me not very long ago.

Everyone in that house put their own happiness and wellbeing on hold for this child. At what point do you put yourself and your other kids first?

SS11 is so big and strong now, add in normal pre teen hormones and he's terrifying. I don't think it will be long until he's in full time care. I think the routine and structure is better for him too.