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Can’t Do This Anymore

mspacman's picture

It's to a point where I no longer feel like I can just… be me. I (34f) have been with my SO (30m) for 2.5 years, he has a son (11). I have no children but am currently pregnant.

The fights about his son have been happening the entire relationship and I’m at a point where all I want is peace in my life. For me, the problem is his expectations. For him, it is that I have no interest in his child. This is true - I’m not interested or enthusiastic about the child but I am kind and respectful when he visits. I have never in any way, shape, or form done wrong to his child. I have cleaned up after him, done laundry, bought gifts for holidays and birthdays - not good enough. Mind you, the child has a great mother who has him majority of the time.

The fight we can’t seem to get past happened about a month ago. My SO had SS over for a weekend (first time in weeks), and wanted to take an optional work call, leaving SS alone with me. I said no, that he had to fulfill his obligation to his child and stay home. He chose to drop the child off at a relative’s instead, and then told said relative that I wouldn’t watch the child - now I am the evil stepmother in his family’s eyes. 

Newest fight that just happened, SO springs on me with one week’s notice that he wants to throw a birthday party for SS at our house. This of course comes with the assumption that I would pretty much be in charge of the party, ya know, because I’m the woman. Well, I’m 11 weeks pregnant and have felt sick all day every day since 6 weeks, and have absolutely no energy to do anything besides get through the work day. As a result, I do not feel the house is in a state of cleanliness to have guests. I also do not want to cook, or decorate, or anything to that effect. So I said to SO “fine, but it’s all on you”. Now I’m the evil stepmother once again, because I don’t want to host the party. Then he said I better not even THINK of throwing a party for the future baby because I couldn’t bother to do it for SS. He also threw in that I will be a terrible mother.

He is now saying that he failed his son by being with me. Certainly a statement of this magnitude would signify that I am in some way cruel to the SK, right? Not the case, ever. I just keep my distance, I do not want to be a parental figure.

He is also saying it feels awkward when SS visits because of me. Because I “don’t interact”. When really, all I am doing is whatever I would be doing were SS not there. My weekends are my time of solace and relaxation, I work all week. I have every right to sleep in or just sit on the couch doing nothing or whatever the hell I want to be doing honestly. Now I have to feel that there is an expectation looming over me that I should be doing something that I’m not doing, and I don’t even really know what it is. SS is there to spend time with his father, not me. 

I don’t think my SO will ever accept my boundaries and I will not live up to his expectations. I will continue to be me. I just want to be me.


paul_in_utah's picture

Well, he's really gonna love paying child support for your baby.  It wouldn't surprise me if he refuses to do that, and just leaves your bably with you 24/7.  He sounds spiteful.

SteppedOut's picture

Ask me how I know...

My formerSO wanted me to do and be everything for his kid (at the time 13). Worse. He lived with SO/us full time. The kid was terrible...due to non-existant parenting (that I was supposed to suddenly take ALL over AND 'love him like my own'). Of course kid's feral-ness was blamed on bm... but SO had custody for 2 years?

Anyway... I left with my/our baby son and moved back to my home (that I owned) and formerSO does not ever see my son...pays child support basically when he feel like it...doesn't provide medical coverage like he is supposed to. It's a small amount anyway... he lied on his paperwork - they didn't even make him submit W2s!

If you won't buckle in to his demands, you may very well be raising your child on your own. DO NOT give up your job.

justmakingthebest's picture

I don't think this is the right relationship for you to be in. You aren't your SS's mother. He has 2 parents that need to take responsibility for him. You are allowed to take on whatever role you are comfortable with and your partner should support that, but instead he is fighting with you and saying you won't be a good mother all because he is trying to shuck off his own parental responsibilities. 

That being said, you do need to prepare for what your co-parenting life is going to look like. Before this baby is even born, I would have paperwork drawn up for him to sign with arrangements for custody, child support and visitation. Fathers are important and should be included as much as possible. 


simifan's picture

I'm sorry. He wanted a F@#$able nanny, not a girlfriend. Get out now, while you can make the decisions before you have your baby. 

Winterglow's picture

So all he wants is someone to be a doormat and do the donkey work for him. Well, he picked the wrong woman, didn't he? You are being perfectly reasonable IMO, his son does come to spend time with him not to be babysat by dad's girlfriend. Your SO's reactions are selfish and deliberately cruel - why would you want to be with someone who insults you and tries to hurt you with his words? Think long and hard about whether you want a future with this guy.

Merry's picture

His expectations are way out of whack. You're not insta-Mom. Did you discuss your roles and expectations before you moved in together? Sounds like he's operating on cave-man assumptions of what a woman "is."

But he also doesn't fight fair. Name calling and belittling aren't exactly constructive to problem solving. Before you toss the relationship, would he consider couples counseling so you can both express your needs and wants and feel heard? If you do that, be sure to find someone experienced in stepfamilies.

hereiam's picture

He is now saying that he failed his son by being with me.

This implies that he got with you so that you could be a mother to his son, which is out of line unless this is what you agreed to. Otherwise, HE is failing his son by expecting someone else (you) to be his son's parent.

Babysitting, throwing birthday parties, entertaining the child while he is there, none of those things are your responsibility, as you well know.

I think that you and your SO need to have a heart to heart chat about this. His expectations are unrealistic and you need to explain this to him.

Frankly, he sounds very selfish and immature and just wants to foist his responsibilities onto someone else. Not to mention, trying to guilt you and manipulate you with is put-downs. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

"This implies that he got with you so that you could be a mother to his son,"

Too bad he couldn't land a real-life Stepford wife. I agree with the poster who said to work out custody arrangements as early as possible for the new baby. I disagree with "fathers are an important part of a child's life" or something similar. To me, that depends on the person. Maybe not this guy. If you have the chance to minimize this guy and his prior family's influence on your child and start fresh, i say go for it. He's just going to find some other poor woman to parent your baby when it's with him. 

TrueNorth77's picture

The reg flags are a-wavin. I would be absolutely livid if my DH threw me under the bus with family and friends about skids and made me out to be the villain. It's very difficult to change people's minds once they have that opinion of someone, whether it's deserved or not. 

Also, you said he could have the party, but he would need to handle it...yet somehow he is still upset and now he's taking his anger out on his Unborn child and taking away their birthday parties?? Yikes. 

I'm not one to jump to "get out", however, my advice would go back up and re-read the title of your post, then read it again...


Stepdrama2020's picture

He showed you how he really feels, so young lady believe him.

You are not living up to HIS expectations which are unreasonable, but you know that.

You keep being you.

If you can financially do it make an exit plan. Hun it will get worse. Your DH is a jerk to the max.

Consult with a lawyer so you know your options and rights.

You are pregnant and this stress aint good for you or your lil blessing.

Take the awesome advice on here. Its from people who have lived this crapola.


ndc's picture

I'd be getting my ducks in a row.  My marriage would not survive my husband throwing me under the bus with his family and telling me that he failed his child by being with me.  Unless you had some agreement before you got married regarding what you would do for SS that you're now reneging on, your husband's expectations are unreasonable.

When my H and I got together it was clear that the only way I could be a SAHM was if I was responsible for his kids on his custody days while he was working (50/50 custody). I agreed to that upfront, so it's fair and reasonable that I essentially parent his kids when he's at work. No problem. If that expectation was never made clear to me, I would be resentful at a minimum, so I fully understand your position.  It's one thing to do your spouse a favor by watching his child while he picks up optional work,  it's quite different if you are expected to do so and chastised if you don't. 

There are some fundamental misunderstandings/disagreements between you and your husband as to what your role is with his son.  If they can't be resolved, the marriage is in trouble.  

mspacman's picture

Thank you all so much for your kind words of validation. I'm not able to get my feelings about this validated anywhere else, even my own family says things like it's  what I signed up for and "aww he's a great kid though".

Not a word has been spoken between my partner and I since this happened last night, I am keeping to myself in a separate part of the house. I have a plan to leave but it will take some time to implement.

I just know he will not be able to accept my feelings and boundaries about this. This is "the fight that keeps happening" because in his mind it is completely wrong of me to not want involvement. He takes it as like an attack on his child or something weird.

I can certainly mention the possibility of counseling when the conversation comes about, but I think I may be beyond the point of even wanting this fixed. I'll post an update when I have one.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Keep working on your plan. If you haven't, go ahead and consult with an attorney to make sure you are covering all of your bases. Start documenting everything. Hang in there.

Rags's picture

Be near your family who hopefully is far from where this dickhead will be. and have your child there so you can maximize your control and minimize your child's exposure to this asshole and his failed family progeny.

Nail his ass to the wall for a shit ton of $CS, and keep your own child as far from that shallow and polluted gene pool as possible.

What man comes down on the pregnant, morning sickness suffering, mother of his future child like this?

Not one worth keeping IMHO.

Save yourself, save your baby.

Don't delay.