Acknowledging my insecurities over BM
Ok. First off, this is a hard thing for me to write about. I'm a prideful person so this is something I have had a hard time even admitting to myself, but it's clear I have a problem: I’m insecure and resentful over BM.
SS11 got suspended from school for his disrespect last Friday so BM called a meeting with myself, DH, my MIL & FIL, and of course her and her own husband. Prior to this meeting I found myself in my bathroom, fixing my hair, washing my face and carefully and thoughtfully applying my makeup. I was trying hard to feel like I looked my best. There was a moment where I stopped and wondered why? What was I doing to myself and why in the world was I freaking out like this? Remembering back, I have done this for every occasion and event that I know I will see BM. I don't care to even put this sort of effort into going to the store or work, yet every time before I see her I feel the need to look my absolute best. What is that?!
BM and I do get along. She's even gone as far as to tell DH she "loves" me, but I still distrust her around DH. Their marriage ended due to a lot of infidelity on her part and she's always been borderline inappropriate with him. She’ll find reasons to touch him i.e. asking him if he wants some candy while at a trick-or-treating event, then awkwardly hitting his arm because he said no to her. I've dreaded dropping off SS at her house because she'll walk outside in mini-shorts/ low cut revealing tops and prance around in front of DH. She's blonde and blue eyed, big-breasted and curvy, (the complete opposite of me) but is never someone I'd care to even take a second look at. Now that she's my husband's ex-wife, however, I find myself mindlessly studying her whenever I'm around her.
Although their marriage was short-lived, BM's name has always been praised rather highly in my home. Of course by my SS who's her own biological kid, but also by my SD17 who is not hers. Everyone (except DH) adores her, including my FIL & MIL. DH claims he can't stand her, but they were "friends" for the "sake of SS" up until a few months into our marriage. I eventually snapped and told him I was uncomfortable with them being so close, so DH has made it a point to keep any convo only about SS and only when it's necessary. That definetely helped, but it still hasn't eliminated this feeling.
So there I was at this meeting. Sitting across from BM (who's wearing a tight fitted top and red-hot spandex shorts leaving nothing to the imagination) and as I looked at her all I could think to myself is that I wanted to end it all. Divorce rushed through my mind; I was ready to leave and just end the freaking madness. End this feeling inside of me of being inferior to this woman and just go back to living my care-free simple life. I hate that I've allowed my self-esteem to be compromised by her. I hate that I have built up resentment towards my husband over marrying her. I don't have any kids of my own, so there's always been an enormous insecurity there, knowing that she shares something with him that I don't.
I've never been the jealous type and I've especially never been one to compare myself to a boyfriends ex -- but then again, I've never had any of their exes be in my life like this. I do love myself and I’m typically a very confident person, except for when I’m around BM. Does anyone else struggle with insecurities over the ex? Has anyone been able to overcome them? I fear that her presence in my life is going to be the death of my marriage if I don't get a grip on this soon. Any advice?