I realize this is a place to vent & I do it too. Things are not ever going to be perfect and it’s great to know I’m not alone.

But, I do think some NEW step parents can benefit from real advice (I sure do) & I’m going to take the liberty of offering up what I’ve learned so far. This is not for the battle-scarred veterans or anyone with mentally unfit bio parents or otherwise completely dysfunctional existing situations.

I’m going to do a few posts; this first one will be about the relationship with your partner alone, the next one will move on to the relationship as the child gets added in, then to your own relationship with the child, then finally to the relationship with BM.

So, #1 – Your Relationship as a Couple
Entering into this relationship I knew my FDH had a young daughter and I chose to be with him anyway. This choice was based on us being compatible on many different levels and genuinely accepting each other for who we are. We “fell in love” quickly and things moved very fast. But, that deep “forever” love only started to develop after a couple years.

Lesson: Make your own choice about who you are with. Know that the children already have that “forever” love and it might take a while for you adults to get there & you might feel second best. If you are confident that this is the right relationship for you and your emotional needs (not every want) are generally being met, then it’s worth working through all the stuff and making some sacrifices. If not, then make a different choice. Your confidence in your relationship is crucial to surviving being a step.

For the first year or so, we struggled with a lot of the normal insecurities/jealousy/ growing pains that a new relationship offers. We both came with baggage & it took a while to figure out how to trust. Finally, I realized that the only thing I could control was whether I was trustworthy or not. He could do whatever he wanted and I would never know. My own insecurity was only ruining MY life. I chose to completely trust him and put every ounce of confidence and commitment into that. When I have doubt, I tell myself “I know without doubt we love each other,” and let it go.

Lesson: Chances are that with or without the children & BM, there will be jealousy/ insecurity in your new relationship. Step outside of all that additional drama and focus on the core of the matter…. the integrity of your own relationship. You can do this even if he’s got all the additional stuff going on.

Go slow and build your relationship the way you want it before you try to be a step parent. If you can’t, get out… your approach to your relationship-building sets you up for forever…. Once poor foundations are laid, it’s tough to rebuild. Focus only on what YOU can control.

That’s it in a nutshell... make your own smart choices and let go of trying to control things you have no say over.