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Please HELP in overcoming a huuuuge issue

CupcakeMom's picture

Hi, everyone. It is definately true that no one can understand what a stepmother is dealing with in everyday life, except other stepparents. Insecurities and unjustfull situations and silent hurting and doubts are something we are all going through from time to time. I've done my best in accepting my husband's situation and dealing with it as neutrally and supportive as I could. His kids have accepted me better that we have hoped for. I've never met his ex cause we are still newly weds and she is living in another town and they are not fond of each other but still have a civilized relationship for the sake of the kids (though she showed in some moments that her motherhood is not as perfect as it supposed to be which really pisses him off - his words not mine) and I believe that by now she had to realize I'm not an evil stepmom, cause otherwise she would act against me in some way and she didn't.Now I'm facing the utmost ungrateful, scary, insecurity awakening, challenging situation about his ex that I honestly don't know hot to deal with - neither for myself neither for the rest of us. I've just been told by him that his ex has a breast cancer and he learned that from his eldest son just today ,cause ex has told the child that info (yet she doesn't want to share that with her closest adult relatives and no one else for that matter, which I find strange and wierd, but : Hey,who am I to judge on how person will deal with such a desease?) I can not help thinking about that famous movie The Stepmom, which is why I've tried to show my humanity and open mind and support for my husband by telling him that we should put all of our own plans aside,so he can be there for the mother of his kids, as she shared that only with eldest son and no one else. It ended in huge fight between my husband and me, where I was understood the worst way possible, just the way I've tried to avoid. He was, somehow, offended by my effort to stay neutral and he said that I'm abandoning him thinking only about myself?? Though I've tried just the opposite? Yes, I admit I've had a moment there where I felt fear of loosing him in case there are any hidden feelings in him still for her-which I don't know of and hope not. And Yes- I admit that fear has paralyzed me in a second and I've felt as I have to step down and disappear from their lives for some reason. And Yes-I've felt like an intruder and feared will it all break down on me and our marriage? And Yes- Ive asked myself what is my 3 yrs with him comparing to their 20+ yrs life togehter and bunch of kids. So-Kill me for being human in a worst possible situation and having insecurities. Now, I don't know how to act or what to say or how to deal with this. Has anyone ever had such situation? Is there a wisdom that can make things be ok? How to overcome what I feel? Am I missing something here and not seeing it? Am I a bad person for trying to show empathy and be neutral by showing a willingness to step aside? Am I stupid or just overwhelmed by unexpected situation which is frightening? Please, HELP?

hereiam's picture

Are you sure the ex has cancer? Why put yourselves through all of this stress before knowing what is really going on? She wouldn't be the first to lie about cancer or maybe the kid is making it up or heard something and misunderstood.

Why would you or your DH just accept that this is true based on what the kid said? This seems weird to me.

CupcakeMom's picture

Yes, it seemed wiered to me also, especially the fact that she supposedly told the eldest boy about it, but doesn't want her parents or her brother or anyone else to know. I was confused by that ,but it is really unimaginable to me that a mother can throw such a news on a teenage child for any other reason cause that would be not only selfish and idiotic but also unspeakably hurtfull for her own child if it comes out to be untrue.

Thank You for helping me by your advises. i really don't know why I've felt I should step aside, less much I know why on earth have I felt threatened by that.
But I still can't help but thinking that 20+yrs (no matter how much they hate or unlike each other now) can take it's toll on our marriage. People do tend to forgive everything to dying person and even to feel guilty for not staying with them, I fear.

I suppose I should stand my ground and not move a bit, much less stepping aside. But I'm just feeling wrong somehow, though I've met him and married him years long after they have divorced Sad I'm really feeling as walking on hot lava stones barefoot now.

CupcakeMom's picture

Thank you tommar24365 and hereiam for being there for me out here.I appriciate it sooo much. Thank you for not letting me feel alone and completely confused and downed in this.

CupcakeMom's picture

I hope too. And thanks again for your kindly advise. I will do just as you have said - 1 day at a time. Thanks for the comfort, God knows Ive needed that! Be blessed hun Smile

CupAjoe's picture

Right there with ya. My ex is going through cancer treatments as well and it's really hard to even want to "be there for him" because of how he treated me during our marriage. I'm terrified for my kids and I do feel awful for him. Boyfriend has been supportive of my feelings and I that's hat you should do. Support whatever he's feeling. Serious illness is awful, but it doesn't magically make things that happened before go away or make people automatically any better than they used to be. Let him be as supportive or not supportive to her as he wants to be. I believe in forgiveness, but it can't be forced by anyone or anything.

CupcakeMom's picture

Those replies from all of you have come as the greatest possible support I've needed and I am truly grateful to you. You are right: I may have I overreacted in thinking I should step away, out of shock and fear and being caught in the moment with such a serious and sudden news. My lack of information on how serious her illness is or is not ,made me feel uncertain what to do or how to react. I didn't mean to abandon him and leave him at all, not in any given moment, I just meant I should step aside as I felt overwhelmed with unknown territory I've stepped on with that news. You are right. I should let him decide on how will he be supportive towards her or not, and I should follow his decision and stay by my man whatever he decides. Thank you for comforting me about the illness itself. Most of us have that exaggerated first reaction to word cancer and we think only of the worst possible scenario at that moment. You have cleared my thoughts about it and helped me put my emotions at ease a bit. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I know it will not be easy whatever comes our way in this, but now I feel stronger and braver to hold my stand and to give him and the kids the best of me while it all lasts. I hope that the outcome will be the best possible for the sake of those little precious beings and I hope I can live up to the challenge we are all facing. Thank you again.

misSTEP's picture

First off, don't believe anything that BM says unless verified by another source. Unfortunate, but true.

Secondly, your DH and especially YOU do not owe this woman squat. You DO owe your support and whatever you can do for his skids. I should say he does. You can support him in supporting the skids.

If you are nice enough and you have a good enough relationship, you can do little things to help her out. Taking the skids more etc. But do NOT step aside and force your DH to feel like you are abandoning him. They divorced for reasons outside of you. Cancer, if she truly has it, is not an eraser that takes care of the underlying issues they have.

elvr's picture

Sorry you felt so insecure, that is the worst feeling when you have a partner.
How old are his children?

CupcakeMom's picture

They are in their early teens. We have a reasonable good relationship, me being there for them in all those little kiddy things that needs support, some kind of a gentle kind of distant aunt is the best term I can use to describe it. Insecurity comes and goes with different situation, although a little bit stronger in a situation such as this one I suppose. I think it is just normal for me to feel worried, not knowing anything but that one line my DH and I have been told (him by his son and me by my DH). And all I am really worried about is the little ones. They are in what I would call the most tender age, not kids but not adults either, just discovering the world. And if her illness is true I could end up being their strong support as much as I could end up being hated just for being alive. maybe I am overthinking it all, but how can I not when our marriage is so young and I don't really know what I am dealing with or suppose to deal with in time to come. I know, none of us can for see things or plan them, but living in our skin as step parents with an upcoming possibility such as this one is not a thing to be underestimated or easy taken at all, at my humble opignion. I guess I am just human for having fears about the very core of all the things we have accomplished as a couple. I actually don't care a bit about how the other people in our surrounding will judge me. I only worry about how my DH and my step kids and our marriage will endure this? I truly hope for the sake of us all that all of this is not some cruel and sick joke played on us for any insane reason, since I see and hear those things are happening. Insecurity is the worst feeling in the world, especially if you are not used to it from before, at least not in this scary amount when it punches you right at your face and you can't even breathe or move or think straight. Yes, you are right, cancer is not an eraser that takes care of their issues or that can erase our love, which was initially my first fear along with one about the children's ordeal and their potential hurt in case she is that sick.

Rags's picture

You are rightly and justifiably irritated by his freak out. However, he is upset so though not tolerable there is a reason for his emotional instability.

I would suggest that you sit him down, give him a hug, tell him you are of course there for him but ...... he cannot take his emotions regarding his X and their kids dealing with the POSSIBLE, since it is not confirmed but only POSSIBLE, breast cancer diagnosis. Inform him that you are with him and will support him as he needs but will not tolerate abuse or animosity from him and for damned sure there will be no interference in your marriage and family over this issue until it is absolutely confirmed and not a pathetic attempt for sympathy and to manipulate by his X.

Good luck with this issue. No doubt a potentially terminal X can be a difficult influence on your family and marriage but inappropriate behavior around the issue cannot and should not be tolerated.

IMHO of course.