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I'm getting my karma. My marriage maybe over

Mooma's picture

I got some grief from my last post. Please believe me if I could go back 11 years  and not get involved with my husband (who was still married to his ex) I would but it's too late for that. I fell in love but I now know that everything comes with a price. 

His sons(16,14,13) hate me with a passion and our 6 year old daughter. They address me as Mrs. Home wrecker or the other woman. They can't stand the sight of me and my daughter. They refer to her as a bastard child. My husband does address this with them but the boys close rank and it turns into a screaming match (by the boys. He remains calm but stern). They say that everything they're saying is the truth. I ruined their family and caused their mother so much grief that let alone be polite  they can't stand to be around me or our daughter. To anyone else that isn't me, they're respectful and kind. The 16 year old has asked me if my mother taught me that when someone wears a wedding ring, they're off limits. They are angry and rightfully so.  The've said  that once someone is a whore they're noting more and since our daughter is 50% composed of me, they want noting to do with her. I get it, they hate me but why punish my daughter?

They're angry that my husband did them wrong. While our daughter got to have him in her childhood full time, they only had to have him 50% of the time.  He paid child support when they were younger but when his ex became wealthy(self made carrer woman), she said that she didn't need his money to raise her sons at her home but he still paid regardless. He was and is still very involved in their lives- went to all of sport events, school preformances, hosted birthdays etc. He was and still is  very involved but they hate the fact that our daughter has him full time and thus they don't acknowledge her. I wished it didn't hurt her but it does. She has asked me why her brothers don't like her?

The boys told my husband that they love him but have no respect for him and aren't sure whether they love him more than they hate me. His messed him up. I've ever seen my husband cry so much before. His knows that his ex is using the boys as weapons against him and his biggest fear is that they will want noting to do with him.  He does not love our daughter anymore than his sons. He loves them dearly but they hate me just as much. 

We agree that we caused this. He regrets hurting his ex as do I. He feels gulity that our daughter gets to have him 100% of the time while his sons didn't. We feels terrible because our actions are the source of their anger. They hate me because I got to raise our daughter while their mother had to work. He's been messed up ever since. He's been crying non-stop, hasn't been sleeping, barley eating, won't talk to me. All he said was that he really needs to talk to them. 

They're with their mother today but he's asked her if he can take the boys out for a bit because he needs to speak with them. She agreed.

I fear for my marriage. 

 

 

Comments

STaround's picture

You have been married 11 years, why is this coming to a head now?  Is something else going on?

tog redux's picture

Yes, you should not have gotten involved with a married man, that was wrong on your part and his.  Sounds like he wasn't even separated yet (I got involved with DH when he had been separated for a while).

BUT, that is not the reason these kids treat you this way. That may have been the trigger, but the reason they treat you this way for ELEVEN YEARS, is that their mother is still angry and bitter and poisoning them against you and their father.  Most healthy women would have let this go by now, and would recognize that even though you and he did indeed wrong her, it's not healthy to keep the hatred and anger going forever. Not healthy for the kids OR for her.

So take reasonable responsibility, but don't take all the blame. Your DH needs to apologize to BM (if he hasn't yet - if he has, then don't do it again), and sit down with his kids and tell them: "Look, you are right, SM and I did something that was wrong when we had an affair. But it's not reasonable or healthy for any of you to keep punishing us forever. Your mother is still angry at me, but that doesn't mean you have to be. And I will not tolerate the disrespect of either of us anymore."

Enough is enough. BM has been punishing both of you for years. The kids are alienated, and even if he leaves you to please them, the damage is done. He shouldn't cower or bow down to them, that will make it worse in the long run.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

I caught my husband cheating on me when I was pregnant with our third daughter. In one week it will be ten years. I have long since moved on and enjoy my life. We coparent just fine. This is the mom poisoning her kids and punishing her ex husband a decade later

tog redux's picture

Exactly. Healthy people don't play the victim forever, or need to destroy the person who harmed them.  BM in our situation is STILL punishing DH for leaving her, 10 years later, and SHE is the one who had the affair. But she wanted to get back together and he didn't.

Normal people grieve and move on. Sometimes are even grateful it happened because their circumstances improve once they dump a cheater.

STaround's picture

If this has been going on for 11 years, why is he in tears now.  And we still dont know both sides of this. I could not tell from OPs first post, when were the kids being dumped on her?  Seems strange it would be recent, as oldest kid has license and car now.  

Notup4it's picture

It has been 11 years, nothing is new... why all this all of a sudden? Could it be that something is happening in moms life causing resurfaced resentment? She is stressed ar work for some reason and is lashing out? Or maybe doing the whole “this is how my life should have been”?

 

 

STaround's picture

It could be that the kids are starting to realize that mom has more money (I think she got the older boy a nice car).  Many times teens do gravitate to the parent with more money. It could be that DH is thinking, wow, if I had stayed with her, how nice my life would have been.  

Healyourslf's picture

Undoubtedly, BM is still very bitter about the infidelity.  No apology or right-the-wrong action will ameliorate this deeply rooted bitterness until she first finds COMPASSION FOR SELF.  Life brings pain and turmoil, but once you recognize that others' behaviors are "about them," you start to heal.  This perception leads to a more compassionate understanding for yourself and everyone else.  You can still hold boundaries and remain aloof, but you stop aggressively hating and trying to damage others.

Infidelity creates such deeply disturbuing and painful emotions (my ex husband cheated on me), particularly for women. Despite the fact that BM is a self-made, successful career woman - it is a facade. Deep down her sense of security and self are still shattered. This is what is driving the hate mongering.

Infidelity is wrong, but mentally healthy individuals will ultimately let go and learn to love and trust again.  DH, you and your daughter are constant reminders to BM of her self-perceived unworthiness.  BM cannot even consider the concentric damage she is doing to the children because anger is blinding.  She might have plunked along for the last decade with hate blinders...working, building her career, proving outwardly that she is "better and needs no one." She's never looked straight on at her pain so the emotional devastation she carries will be projected/inflicted upon DH by proxy.  Unfortunately, you and all the children are the only way she can "act this out."

Talk to DH. Depression is sickness of the soul, and it sounds as if he is depressed. He needs to find a therapist to help him. BM's hate is infectous. Work on YOU. 

tog redux's picture

This is very well said.  I try to think this way about BM in our situation and how she has poisoned SS out of bitterness that DH left her. It's hard to have compassion for her when she has destroyed her son in her quest to feel better about being "abandoned". I do understand why she does what she does, but can't summon compassion.

Harry's picture

Nothing is going to change.  What happen in the past 11 years, happen, there no way to make it up.  Just live with it.  His kids maybe gone from his life !

CLove's picture

Should not have to suffer. Should not be hated for simply existing. She is innocent, and being punished, not because of anything she did, but because she "got more" of her father than they did. They are jealous of her, and resentful, but making her suffer, is so wrong. They will sometime soon hopefully feel ashamed of what they have put their sister through. 

My now DH was separated, not divorced when we met. We had a friendship for 1.5 years, and little did I know that he and BM were still physically intimate. Up to a month before he and I decided to be in a monogamous relationship. So, looking back, I now know that she was probably thinking they would someday be back together. Why rush to get a divorce, when you might not need one, was probably her thinking. I thought it odd that DH and Toxic Troll AND the children would spout off about "their marriage is JUST a piece of paper, its over." So why the fuss over the divorce. Toxic Troll was horrible during divorce process, I guess they never get over that "this is MINE" thing, especially once they have had children with that person. Like they own a piece of them or something. 

However I was never made out to be "the other woman". Toxic Troll cheated on DH, and DH did explain things to the children, but he always spoke of his ex with respect, because thats their mom. 

The OP's husband working both sides, he did a horrible thing breaking up his family in this way. And now his children are suffering. Well, I hope the right thing happens. No one is perfect, but 11 years of punishment is enough, and the BM should really move forward with her life and find her happiness. From your posts, it sounds like your DH is not depriving the sons in favor of your daughter. Putting her children on the phone to cuss out their father - selfish and self serving. She sounds like she is using her children to exact some kind of revenge. And is hurting them in the process.

Keep posting --- yes, there are many who have no sympathy, but Im here - I do.