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High-profile ex wife wants me gone

Mooma's picture

I've been married to my husband for 11 years. His wife hates me- what else is new? 

I am going to admit that I came into his life while they were trying to work things out one last time. I do feel gulity about that but my husband said at the time he does not have any feelings for her anymore. When she found out about me, hell broke loose. 

My husband has 3 sons: 16,14,13. She has manipulated the boys into thinking that my husband had an affair with me. I've been labelled as the "other woman" or they prefer to call me "the home-wrecker".  They refer to our 6 year old daughter as a bastard-child. They want noting to do with her.  They want me out of the picture. 

The ex is a self made career woman. Her contact lists includes a lot of rich, powerful people. Even my boss knows of her. She says that of all the people to not piss off, she is one of them. If she wants something done, she will get it done.  His ex has destroyed people careers if they 'disrespect her'

I've tried to meet with her to extend an olive branch but she has declined and responded with " I don't interact with the common whore".  

They have a CO, but she drops off the boys whenever she feels like it. We have taken her court but the judge just looked at my husband and said that he should consider himself lucky that he gets extra time with his kids. She then told the kids that i'm just trying to get them out of the picture. I have welcomed these kids into our home with open warms. 

Husband now feels gulity because she is turning her kids against him. I've already been banned for any of their sport events, school activities. As for holidays, anytime the three of us (me, husband, and daughter) go on holiday, she calls and ask him why isn't he taking his kids? 

Husband: It's because it's not my time with them. If it was, they would be coming with us. (Plus I do enjoy when they're not around)

Ex: Explain to our kids then why you don't want them around then and hands phone to the youngest. Youngest went off on him. Calling him a horrible dad. Hands phone to the second eldest- Yelled at husband. The eldest really crushed my husband. 

Husband was crushed. He really did not enjoy our vacation at all. She ends up taking the boys to Dubai for a week as a way to make them feel better. She also bought the eldest a 2018 mercedes benz.

The boys are heavily influenced by their mother and she is using them to hurt their dad. The sad part is that  they used to have such a loving relationship. As for backing away from his kids, husband will never do that. His biggest fear is that all 3 of his sons  will want noting to do with him. He tries very hard to with them but they're just angry. Well their deflecting their hatred of me to their dad. 

I thought 11 years in things would change. 

Comments

Chmmy's picture

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Chmmy's picture

1

still learning's picture

Can't blame her for not liking you as you were the final nail in the coffin of her marriage, but what she's doing to her kids is destructive.  Hate the ex all you want but don't let that poison spead to the kids. 

keepitsimplestupid's picture

Agreed.  At the time of their split, the kids would have ranged from 2 - 5 yrs old.  Alone with 3 kids.  Kudos to her for making a success of her career.

Mooma's picture

i just wated to try to put water and bridge and become civil with eachother or at least be able to be in the same room. 

STaround's picture

You do not have the right to demand forgiviness.   It is up to the wronged party.  

tog redux's picture

I will rarely defend BM in our situation, but I was the final nail for their marriage (not an affair, they were separated but she wanted to get back together) and she doesn’t target me and never tried to turn SS against me. So it’s not an expected reaction. Now, she does hate DH and alienated SS, but she never seemed to blame me. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

on holidays or trips? Or is that an experience that he reserves for his daughter?

If he is not doing comparable things and providing comparable experiences for his sons, it is not just the mother who may be alienating the sons ,but your husband is probably alienating them as well.

It is not a good look when a judge has to remind a parent to be grateful for time with his children. Were you guys in court to complain that the mother was allowing too much visitation? It does not sound as though she would be looking to you for momey.

It is not totally unjustified that a woman might choose not to befriend or think highly of a woman who cheated with the man to whom she was married. Marriage is like pregnancy, you are either married or you are not. If you are involved.with a man while he is still married , you are cheating.  That is not likely  to endear you to any former spouse or children. Time may or may not change those perceptions.

It is unfortunate that his son 's have taken that view of your daughter, because like it or not they are siblings. No amount of nasty name calling will change that.

It sounds as though the mom is providing for them in a manner consistent with her economic status and resources . The fact that the dad was unwilling to take, at a minimum, his youngest child in vacation and had to be reminded by a judge , who I assume heard the relevant issues, that he should be thankful for time what his children may be the more disinterested parent.

Providing travel  experiences that  may help youngsters to become informed global citizens and buying a child a car does not a poor or bad parent make.

Teaching that by example that cheating while married ,however, in my opinion does set a very poor example.

You are criticizing the mom, but your husband has not exactly been a stellar role model of a husband or father.

These children may well grow up to be very good and decent people not because not their parents but rather in spite of their parents.  Although , the mother does seem to be the more involved parent.

 

Mooma's picture

He takes his boys out on vacation too. Without my daughter as well. He understands why they are so angry and just wants to show him that he still does care about him. 

We went to court because the CO was 50:50. She was dropping them off around 5:30 when offices would be close. They spend the nights as well. While here, they don't interact with anyone. They would only speak to their dad if they wanted something. Other than that, they kept to themselves. 

 

Mooma's picture

The sons have told my husband, that if they want mom to spend the day with them, she will call into the office and just tell them that she isn't coming in

 

STaround's picture

That may be now.  There may be a limit of days she can do that.   

Mooma's picture

she also gets to work to home whenever she she feels like it. 

STaround's picture

You keep painting you and your DH as perfect and she does nothing.  I see NO acceptance of your role in all this.   Accept that she will never want to be in the same room with you.  

Mooma's picture

of my husband and I as being perfect.. We're both humans and made a mistake.  We both agree that what we did was wrong. He feels terrible for putting her though that as do I. I take full responsibility for my part. 

I just wanted her to know that I'm sorry but you're right. She will never want to see my face ever 

 

 

STaround's picture

You make one excuse after another as to why DH took her back to court when she left kids with you. 

And by the way, I am guessing she has a tough job, and her kids make up stuff to annoy you.  

STaround's picture

So her DH has an afair and leaves her with 3 kids under 5.  If she wasn't tough before that, she had to get tough real quick. 

So she leaves kids with dad on her time.  Did she need to go to work? Were you stay at home, while she had to go to work.    I gather that has stopped as the kids got older. 

As kids become teens, they understand more about marital infedility.  Wrong for them to call your DD names.  

Does dad ever take them on vacations?  Or only his DD?  Does he rationalize it by saying that their mom takes them on great vacations?   He has made his bed, now he has to sleep in it. 

Mooma's picture

She would drop them off around 5:30pm- when offices are normally close. I was a stay at home during that time. I did welcome them though regardless because she would try to make an issue out of it. 

My husband does take his sons on vacation. Sometimes without our daughter. He wants to bond with his sons. He did noticed that his sons were a lot happier when it was just the 4 of them. 

ndc's picture

In reality, you ARE the "other woman" and "the home wrecker," especially to the BM who was cheated on, and now to her sons    When your DH's sons were young, they wouldn't have understood this.  Now that they are old enough to understand, and the BM is obvioulsy letting them know what went on, they're understandably angry with their father and with you.  Perhaps as they get older, and understand that not everything is black and white, they'll forgive their father and they can resume a decent relationship.  Right now, it looks like your DH is just going to have to tough through this.  There's not a lot of reasoning with teens, and these teens are likely hearing their mother's side of the divorce story and it's not pretty.

Saints Are Back's picture

I can’t believe my eyes all the bs comments. She is NOT the other woman. She is his wife. She would be the other woman if he stayed married to his ex while having an affair. To end a doomed marriage and be with the love of your life is not wrong and if his selfish brats don’t understand it then it’s definitely not the OTs fault. And all of you should know that a woman cannot break a marriage, that marriage was already over. And this man and this woman are now a happy family and they have a beautiful daughter and that’s all it matters. His sons should be mature enough to be happy to see their dad happy and to share this with him. If his ex can’t except the fact that he found a better woman who makes him happy - she can choke on her own poison. Because guess what, actually she is the other woman. This man has one wife and that’s not his ex.

OT, don’t feel guilty about anything. Stay away from his brats and let the parents deal with it. Focus on you husband, marriage and your daughter. You don’t owe anything to that woman and her sons. Zero. And please don’t call her “his wife”. You are his wife and the mother of his child. The woman he chose and wants to spend his life with. 

Hugs. 

Disneyfan's picture

The OP started her relationship as the other woman.  Her husband and his exwife had not ended their marriage.  Attempting to extend an olive branch to the BM after playing a role in ending her marriage is insane.

BM will hate the OP until the day she dies.  While I agree that the mom is wrong destroying the father/son relationship, she owes the OP absolutely nothing.

Her husband should feel guilty for the manner in which  he started their relationship.

tog redux's picture

Heathly people get over infidelity and don't hate the "other woman" for the rest of their lives.  It's not reasonable for BM to turn her kids against the SM just because she feels wronged.  That's damaging to the kids and demonstrates that she's NOT a healthy person.

STaround's picture

Not certain about that.  In any event, the first wife WAS wronged.  She didnt just feel wronged.  

What about teaching kids values?   Would you be OK if a son in law did this to your DD?  

tog redux's picture

Would I be happy with him? No. Would I think he should be shunned and hated by his kids for the rest of his life? No.  Would I think it was OK for my daughter to alienate her kids from their father because he had an affair, thereby damaging them for life? No. Would I want my grandkids to learn that people do wrong and stupid things and that sometimes we have to work through that and forgive them? Yes.

I have a friend whose husband carried on a 2-year affair behind her back and is now with the other woman. Guess what? She gets along with her ex, coparents with him, and has never once said a bad thing about his new woman to her son. Why? Because she knows that will be damaging to her 10 yo.

 

Gimlet's picture

Thank you for being the voice of reason here.  I really don't understand the notion that a wronged woman has the right to destroy the lives of her children because she's unable to get over being wronged.  She never has to forgive her husband or the other woman, that's her right, but putting her kids in the middle of it doesn't make anything better.

I would not be happy with the son in law, no way, but I would be disappointed in my daughter if she was so weak-willed and bitter that she chose to burden her children with her unhappiness because she cared more about having them support her emotionally than about them having a healthy relationship with their father, no matter what a cad he was. 

There are many examples of women who not only got over it, but went on to have better lives and didn't alienate their kids in the process.  WOB and NoWire are great examples of that.  

STaround's picture

We really dont know what is going on.  Are the boys perstering her, why does dad go on great vacations with new wife and kid and not us?  Are the sperate vacations comparable?  We don't  know.  Maybe OP and her DH and kid are going on a cruise, and dad takes his kids on a camping trip.  I realize teens are expensive and it can be difficult to deal with this, but dad needs to.  The answer as to why they are not invited is total BS and his kids are old enough to no.  The obvious responses include, did you ask mom if we could go, could you not schedule differently?  In short, we do not know what is driving the boys actions.  Dad should have suggested counseling years ago. He has to invest some time in this. Doesn't sound like he is going to. 

Going to court to demand mom not drop off kids?  Bad move.  I may have gone to court to demand custody be changed to 60/40 or whatever, but now, it is in wrting that Dad wanted the kids less.  

We don't know if the mother alienated the boys or if Dad's actions did.  We don't know if the mother is not having a better life or not.  

Gimlet's picture

I meant more in general, not specifically this OP. In this case, I don't think I have enough information to say, although it appears that the BM in this case shared quite a bit.  I've just seen the idea that the wronged parent is justified in sharing his/her trauma with the kids trotted out a number of times, and I disagree that it's appropriate information to share with children because it creates an undue emotional burden for them and often times alienates them from the accused (or guilty) parent.

Both parents do have the obligation to do the best they can, in any circumstances, to support the mental and emotional well-being of their kids. 

Disneyfan's picture

She may be unhealthy.  If she is, the OP owns some of the blame for that as well.

Married men are off limits.

Twix's picture

Only BM gets to choose how she feels. If she still feels anger and resentment 11 years later ... that’s on her not OP. 

Saints Are Back's picture

I can’t believe my eyes all the bs comments. She is NOT the other woman. She is his wife. She would be the other woman if he stayed married to his ex while having an affair. To end a doomed marriage and be with the love of your life is not wrong and if his selfish brats don’t understand it then it’s definitely not the OTs fault. And all of you should know that a woman cannot break a marriage, that marriage was already over. And this man and this woman are now a happy family and they have a beautiful daughter and that’s all it matters. His sons should be mature enough to be happy to see their dad happy and to share this with him. If his ex can’t except the fact that he found a better woman who makes him happy - she can choke on her own poison. Because guess what, actually she is the other woman. This man has one wife and that’s not his ex.

OT, don’t feel guilty about anything. Stay away from his brats and let the parents deal with it. Focus on you husband, marriage and your daughter. You don’t owe anything to that woman and her sons. Zero. And please don’t call her “his wife”. You are his wife and the mother of his child. The woman he chose and wants to spend his life with. 

Hugs. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

To date, their father has had "2 loves of his life" and at some point 2 women to whom he said at some point that "he would spend the rest of his life with them".

They know that dad left 3 beautiful children behind to move on to create yet another beautiful child. So the charming story maybe only leaves them knowing that dad is capable of having many " loves of his life. "  and reproducing more beautiful children. It does not however go very far in resolving the issue at hand.

The issue seems to be that the sons may see much to love in their father but little to respect.

Twix's picture

Seems like you’ve gotten a little bit of grief here with your story but I feel for ya. It’s been 11 years and you have a child together - you aren’t some mistress he’s visiting on weekends, your his wife. How does your DH handle the name calling (of yourself and your child). That would be my main concern. 

The skids will be angry until BM stops being angry or they grow up. And as for BM she can go pound salt. I’ve had to work really hard on letting the crap BM says about me go in one ear and out the other. Same with the making it equal vacation and car .... not your problem if she wants to spoil them.

All you can do is support your DH when she pulls that crap (like the phone calls about the vacation), it’s sad and damaging to everybody. Unfortunately a lot of the BMs, discussed here at least, either don’t realize or don’t care that their anger is hurting their children more than your affair and new child ever could have. Given their ages the only way they know about it is because someone told them. My parents split, in similar circumstances, when I was a child but fortunately they always got along and let go of the past. I never even found out till I was much older and from my grandma - and I couldn’t care less.

As for the courts, are you saying it’s 50/50 but BM randomly drops them to you on her time and a judge told your DH to be thankful for the extra time? F that, and even if your a stay at home mom in no way are you required to ever look after your skids unless you want too. In no way does BM having to go to work make you her automatic babysitter, her needing child care is not your problem. (I don’t even remember if that was a thing from your post or I picked it up reading comments). 

Curious Georgetta's picture

Is trying to seek out contact with the current wife. It sounds as though the current wife is seeking absolution. In this case, that is more likely to come from a priest rather than the ex.

Nothing said suggests that the ex may not have forgiven only that she has not forgotten.

You do not get to revisit history and rename and reclassify your actions simply because time has passed and you feel that you have been stigmatized long enough.

If you cheated 20 years ago,, 20 years later you were still a cheater in a year x. If your marriage began as a result of an adulterous affair , that for all time is how your marriage began. 

Your husband 's issues with his sons are not created by his ex, but rather they are created by his inability to effectively articulate his position and stances in a manner that his son's accept and understand.

These young men live in a world that they here many voices , opinions, and thoughts not just their mother's thoughts and opinions.  To attribute their beliefs and attitudes solely to their mother is disingenuous at best and self serving  in order to relieve any responsibility for this debacle from the person most responsible.

From what the OP says , there is no name calling in her home. The sons stay to themselves and avoid contact with other family members.

Again, this unfortunate situation is one that only the dad can fix. He can demand that his sons be polite but respect cannot be demanded it can only be commanded. And to date, nothing about the father's actions commands respect.

Twix's picture

Was this is response to my post? It looks like it was but the content isn’t all that relevant to what I said. 

I don’t think the ex is seeking out OP and by the sounds of her, thank goodness. 

And just because at one point in history OP was the other woman does not mean that for the rest of her life that is what she is - she is his wife. If BM and the skids want to live in the past and hang onto that anger so be it. My advice is OP let go and live her life, focus on those she loves and those that love her. 

My DHs ex cheated on him and left him for another man (who’s baby she had but split from his as well). Now my skids know nothing about the affair and I don’t expect them to anytime soon. It’s not all that hard to keep that crap away from young children. And you know what everyone’s better off for it. 

Nowhere did I claim that the sons attitudes are solely the result of their mother. As outsiders who know only a snipet of their lives we can only speculate. But from what OP has actually written it sounds as though a lot of their anger and bitterness is derived from their mother. And OPs DH cannot fix that - he cannot control other people’s emotions. 

As for the name calling - I know I read somewhere OP stating that they call her a homewrecker and her child a bastard, so I’m going to wait for a response from OP about when and where these comments take place. 

And all this about the fathers actions, are there a bunch more blogs from this OP I’m missing?? You seem to have a lot more knowledge about this man.

Monkeysee's picture

I don’t agree with or condone affairs at all. Ever. BUT, that doesn’t give this woman (BM) the right to alienate her children from their father.

Was she wronged? Yes. Do I agree with it? No. But her marriage was between her & OP’s DH, not OP herself. It’s easy to lay the blame at OP’s feet (and she does have a part to play), but OP wasn’t married to BM, DH was. 

It STILL doesn’t give BM the right to do what she’s done to these boys. Alienation is alienation, regardless of cause, and alienation is abuse. It’s wrong, and no matter how angry she is she’s done her kids an enormous disservice by poisoning them against their own father. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

alienating them against their fathet?  She makes them available to see him on a regular basis.  If she told them that the father and OP were engaged in an adulterous affair, that is simply a sad statement of fact.

Truth be told it is not the ex's responsibility to recreate and revision history to make herself look better or to make her former spouse look worse. 

Neither of these parents may be stellar role models, but they should each own their role in creating this situation.

The only true victim situation in this story is that of the relationship among the siblings.

tog redux's picture

Telling your kids the "truth" about a divorce, especially one that paints the other person as a perpetrator who has wronged them, is alienation.  She doesn't have to recreate history, but she also doesn't have to stir the flames of their anger forever because she feels wronged.

Again, you demonstrate that you don't understand alienation.  It's not just about keeping kids away, it's about kids aligned with one parent over the other. Healthy people are able to let go of infidelity for their kids' sake, and coparent with their ex-spouse, which includes accepting his new wife, whether she feels like she was "victimized" or not.

STaround's picture

According to the OP, she had an affair.  There is no reason to put the truth in quotes.  

I disagree with letting go of infidelity.  Accepting the affair partner?  Please cite any study that recommends that.  

When it comes to stepkids, the mantra here is they must understand that there are consequences to actions.  In this case, the stepkids saw it.  Their mom going to work while dad's new wie is SAHM.  And I really doubt the kids are still being dropped of at dads now that they are older.  Tell OP to get over that. 

Monkeysee's picture

The kids were 5 & under when this happened, so give it a rest with what they ‘saw’. 

Also, do you know who BM is REALLY hurting by hanging on to all this anger & vengence?

Herself.

She’s not just hurting her kids with this animosity, she’s hurting herself. 

THAT is why forgiveness is so powerful. Not to make the people who hurt you feel better. It’s to make *yourself* feel better. 

Turning the kids against their dad because of the hurt she felt is just dragging them down with her. Is it understandable? Sure. But that doesn’t make it ok.

STaround's picture

They certainly saw their mom working (and as much as OP says she can stay home when she wants, etc, I find it hard to believe the ex worked her way up without long hours) and dad's new family having SAHM.  

The kids are with dad 50/50 and are at an age when they can see what is going on and make their decisions. 

If ex is hurting herself, let her deal with it.  

Monkeysee's picture

Ohhhhh so OP being a SAHM is the reason for the animosity then. Gotcha. Makes total sense.

So are all SAHM’s to be treated with disdain and their children called ‘bastards’ then, or just OP & her child?

Are you saying that BM in this case owes her success to her ex & OP because she had to work while OP stayed home?

Your logic is flawed on this one me thinks.

STaround's picture

No, I am saying that I suspect the ex had a very tough time after her DH left, and the kids saw it.  OP needs to own it.  She refuses to.   She says her DH went to court to stop the mom from dropping off the kids.  That speaks volumnes.   He could have gone to court for more than 50/50.  

Monkeysee's picture

What does OP being a SAHM at all have anything to do with it? Seriously, what does it have to do with anything?

OP said she takes full responsibility for her part, yet she hasn’t ‘owned it’? 

You sound so intent on making OP wrong here that you’re literally clutching at straws. Now you’re saying OP’s DH should have taken BM to court for more than 50/50, yet I bet if he had you’d be finding fault with that too, for taking the boys from their mother. 

Have fun with your negativity, that’s all I’m seeing out of you. 

Monkeysee's picture

Ok hon

Disneyfan's picture

The OP was wrong the minute she decided to get involved with a married man.  

All of the problems she's having today are due to the choice she made 11 years ago.

Monkeysee's picture

I agree. I’m not disputing that. My point was BM is playing a part here too, not absolving OP of what she did. 

Disneyfan's picture

The BM is also hurting the OP.  My guess is she wants to hurt the OP as bad as she hurt her.  Since the OP is posting here, it looks like BM is succeeding.

Unfortunately, the boys are also being hurt in all of this.

Monkeysee's picture

Yes they are, which is a tragedy because they are truly the only victims in this situation.

Monkeysee's picture

She *was* a victim. She’s no victim in the situation at present. Being victimized is passive, it’s something that happens to you. She is actively poisoning herself & her children. She’s not a victim of the drama in her life, not even close.

Curious Georgetta's picture

The issues surrounding the divorce from any number of family members.  They may not be at all unhappy of their mom's behalf. They ,at their current ages may just not  have much respect for dad .

No one has to turn a kid against a parent, many parents succeed at that task all in their own.

It is seemingly difficult for many parents to accept the very foreseeable outcomes of their own actions. We speak to kids about accepting the consequences of their actions but want, as adults, to get a pass.

If we do it , we should own it. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

any pot. What we know is that the mom has no desire to meet with the OP. The mom may just not have much respect for women who are willing to become involved with a married man.

We do know that these 2 people do not seem to coparent  very well, but that seems to be a common problem even when there is no infidelity involved.

Your take on parental alienation never seems to allow for the possibility that the actions of the parent from whom the child is alienated may be a significant source of the alienation.  Clearly, the kids do not view their dad as someone for whom they have much respect. You cannot blame the mother  if the father's actions do not command his sons ' respect.

We do no know what the mother says to her son's about their dad. We do know that she does not interfere with them seeing thier father.

I'm truth the only things that we know are:

1The father and his current wife married as a result of an adulterous affair.

2 The sons continue to see their dad

3 the mother is able to provide an economically comfortable life style for her children

4 the bio parents do not coparent very well as evidenced by the phone call about the vacation.

5 the father had no successfully fostered a good relationship between his 2 sets of children

6 the sons are all old enough to independently access their father's feelings for them

7 we seem to be thinking that they are more influenced by their mother's words than by their father's actions

8 the OP seems somewhat judgemental about the mother's financial status and her ability to provide well for her children.

It is always a sad situation when acrimony , past actions, and current circumstances damage parental relationships.

 

Twix's picture

The phone call is your example of not co parenting very well? That’s laughable. It is sad that she did that to her children. That right there was an example of alienation. 

BM here took her youngest kids on vacation while skids were with us, you didn’t see us getting on the phone with her freaking out about it. When they were upset after BM texted them photos of herself and their siblings in front of the Disney castle we did our best to console them and explain that things aren’t always going to seem fair but that’s life. Could we have used that situation to alienate BM? Did we want to in that moment? Absolutely, but the kids come first. 

Disneyfan's picture

"You do not get to revisit history and rename and reclassify your actions simply because time has passed and you feel that you have been stigmatized long enough."

I wish I could like this one million times.

Twix's picture

Sure .... but it’s pretty inaccurate. If that’s what OP was doing known of us would have even known that she was involved with her DH before his marriage was over. 

beebeel's picture

My BFF's husband cheated on her, divorced her on a Friday and moved his mistress in that Saturday. Their son was not yet 2 at the time. She was hurt and oh so angry at first. Who could blame her?! I wanted to hold him down while she exacted her pound of flesh. But what did she do instead?

She is so strong and so amazing. She found a therapist and went to work piecing her life back together. It took some time, but she moved past the infidelity. She now says it was for the best. She was miserable with him. He was a drunk and did absolutely nothing for their son.

Her ex married his affair partner and they now have a daughter. My BFF coparents with her ex's wife and her son is now 8 years old. She never badmouths her son's father to him and he will never know that his Dad cheated on his mom with his SM. Never in a million years would my friend put that kind of emotional burden on her own child. 

THAT is how a healthy person deals with betrayal. THAT is how a good parent moves forward for the sake of their child. That is what it means to love your child more than you hate your ex.

tog redux's picture

Yes - my friend too. She has let go of the anger at her ex, has found a great new guy, and coparents with her ex even when she'd rather not deal with him, because she knows that is best for her son in the long run.  She hasn't told him her ex had an affair, or said anything bad to him about the new woman.

Being cheated on does not give someone a free pass for a lifetime of victimizing the person who cheated on them. Emotionally healthy people don't want to hang on to all of that anger and pain.

Curious Georgetta's picture

To build a successful career for herself. We do not know any thing else about her personal lige. It is the OP wanting absolution. Honestly, that is better sought from her priest.

When you are part of an action that causes pain from another   you do not get both the privilege of hurting them and the right to tell them how long they can hurt.

We do not know why the sons are angry with their father.  We are all assuming that the anger has something to do with the mom. And yet not one shred of presented information validated that assumption.

Knowing about the adultery may have no place in their feelings about their father.

They just might find him lacking as a father.

Perhaps rather than blaming the mother, the father might enter into family therapy with his sons to help identify the source of the problem. This would remove all guessing and supposition.

tog redux's picture

Really? You think this is appropriate?

"Husband now feels gulity because she is turning her kids against him. I've already been banned for any of their sport events, school activities. As for holidays, anytime the three of us (me, husband, and daughter) go on holiday, she calls and ask him why isn't he taking his kids? "

Again - you don't understand alienation.

fourbrats's picture

I wouldn't do the same in terms of sporting and school events if my husband cheated on me. In my mind there would be no reason for the former mistress/current SM to be there at all. Being there inflicts pain on the wronged party or parties. I wouldn't question vacations as a whole but considering this man took his ex wife to court to ban her from giving him extra time, I may question it.

My first husband cheated on me with a co-worker and friend of mine. I never spoke another word to her and made it clear to him that if he had her around our very young children then I would ask the court to greatly limit his visitation. His response was to break up with her and we had 50/50. His mistress wasn't worth it to him. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

Preference as to who attends their events.  We do not know if this preference is coming from the kids or the mom. Frankly, I do not view it as right or wrong ; I simply see it as a stated preference.

I assume that neither mom not the kids are ticket collectors and neither mom not the kids could literally ban UP from the event.

I understand alienation fully. What you seem incapable of admitting is that bit could be actions on the part of the father that is causing of significantly contributing.to the alienation. 

The sons never have to like ,accept, or become find of the O P.

They absolutely have to be polite in her home. Their father is obviously flawed ,but they should and likely do love him.   However, nothing about his past behavior suggest that they should respect him.

It is not unlike thethe Office of the President. The  Office and position should always be respected. However, you need only respect the office holder if their actions command respect.

Curious Georgetta's picture

That they want to go on a specific vacation with theirfather how is making the dad aware of that an alienating action,?  In this case, I would bet that the mom would even have been willing to pay her son:s way should the dad have claimed to be unable or unwilling to do so.

Simply not liking your ex or his spouse does not mean that you are alienating you children . In some instances it may simply mean that your ex has poor interpersonal skills and is managing all on his own to significantly alienate his own children.

tog redux's picture

OMG. You just refuse to see anything except the BM's point of view. You seriously don't call your ex when he's on vacation to ask why he didn't take his kids with him. FFS.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Issue in this posting. I see an angry O P upset because the BM will not agree to meet with her..But the meeting is not requested in order to alleviate the OP 's feelings of guilt.

Unless I am.misreading, it seems that the vacation call was made as a request to.take youngest so along on the vacation. Not to intrude on a vacation that was in progress.

Who knows why teenagers might be angry and annoyed with dad. It may or may not have any thing to do with the BM or the infidelity. That is the OP 's take and by her own admission the young men do not speak to her when in the home.

If assumptions are to be made, it is just as reasonable to think that the OP's husband might be a bit miffed that the ex was not devastated by his departure but instead built a comfortable life style for his children and a phenomenal career for  herself.

The.OP comes across as very judgemental about the resources that the BM is able to.provide for her children .  

Maybe the alienation is resulting from the contempt in which the sons perceive their mom to be held. Maybe the alienation is resulting from everyday garden variety teenage angst. 

Maybe the teens behave in their mother's home exactly the same way the behave in their father's home.

It just seems that a lot of blame is being placed at the BM's feet with no real.reason to think that is so other than her desire to have no involvement.with the OP 

I.do think.that it is regrettable that none of these adults are fostering a better relationship among the siblings.  I do fault both the BM and the dad for that.

The sister and the sons are siblings who had no control of the circumstances surrounding their relationship.

 

 

 

pixielady's picture

 "As for holidays, anytime the three of us (me, husband, and daughter) go on holiday, she calls and ask him why isn't he taking his kids? 

Husband: It's because it's not my time with them. If it was, they would be coming with us. (Plus I do enjoy when they're not around)

Ex: Explain to our kids then why you don't want them around then and hands phone to the youngest. Youngest went off on him. Calling him a horrible dad. Hands phone to the second eldest- Yelled at husband. The eldest really crushed my husband."

Selective reading seems to be par for the course for some non-stepparent commenters. BM should not be calling OPs husband and asking him why he isn't taking the boys on vacation everytime OP, her DH and daughter go. Then to rile her children up, hand the phone to them and tell OPs husband to explain on the spot. That's BS. But you can spin it to it's just the boys calling to innocently ask, which is not how OP explained that particular incident.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Know that his father cheated  The mom may never tell him but as long as others know the very real possibility is that the son will know. Actually , by not at some point not telling, the mom is assuming that the son may think or feel less for his dad if he knows the real  the mom is not doing her son any favor n presenting some distorted painting of dad. 

Even the youngest of children learn to distinguish their parents words from their deeds.

Children can be told the truth in  age appropriate terms. There is a vast difference between being factually honest with your children and expecting them to co,-opt and co-own your anger.

Children need to know that they can alway rely on their parents to be honest with them. Many children would be less hurt by dad 's infidelity than to think that the one parent with whom they thought they always had an honest relationship would be less than honest.

The infidelity might just be a failing in the part of a flawed person; the failure to be honest on the part of someone on whom you relied for honesty would likely be views as a betrayal of trust.

There are no  simple or easy answers when rearing children.

 

 

Gimlet's picture

I could not disagree more.  There are things that kids simply do not need to know and the only reason to tell them is to be vindictive or get a twisted sense of validation.   If they do find out for some reason, then it gives the adults the chance to acknowledge that those things happened, that people make mistakes, and that they have moved past it and allows the child, grown or not, to process it without the emotional load of the feelings of either parent.  That is what is in the best interest of the kid, not being pulled to choose a side by one of his or her parents.

There is no way I would ever burden my child with all the past mistakes of her father in relation to me; what purpose does that serve?  I have enough respect for her as a person to let her make her own decisions about the kind of relationship she has with him, based on her own interactions and experience with him.  I have nothing to do with that.

Curious Georgetta's picture

regarding all parental transgressions. Again that is a matter between the spouses and may be their priest.

A divorce is a life altering decision and deserves to be treated with the honesty recognizing the impact that such a move will have.

Telling an age appropriate version of the truth is not burdening your child with your grief.It is rather recognizing the child's right to have an age appropriate understanding of a major event occurring in his/her life.

Telling the truth should not be for purposes of shifting or sharing your hurt or pain.