Keeping secrets... Lying or protecting??
My husband and I just got married a few months ago, but have lived together for 2 years. His sons are fantastic, but the ex is a nightmare! My husband and I were friends for years before he was divorced. Even though she was dating long before we were, she has convinced her sons that I "stole" him. When he finally moved out, it was after years of living on separate floors and screaming at each other. All of these things his children knew. When he left she wrote my husband a long letter stating the things she wanted from their life together. At the end of the letter she wrote that the boys were not welcome to live with her. During the divorce process she refused to pay child support and wanted half of DH's father's estate. Which doesn't sound bad until I tell you my husband's father is alive and well. She threatened to drag the boys through court hearing after hearing if he didn't agree so he did. Then my DH's brother died. It was sudden and very sad. She made a huge stink about the boys not going unless they walked in with her, and then she stood next to the casket telling anyone who would listen about how I stole her husband. Lastly when we got engaged she got an attorney to overturn their divorce. She said that if we wanted to get married, it would cost us half his brother's estate. Our wedding day came and went. We had a beautiful but not legal ceremony. All these things the kids do not know. Recently one of the sons enrolled in college. His mom said she wouldn't pay for it, because it is a waist of time and he will never amount to anything. All this time we are paying all the kids bills, supporting them and helping them with everything and anything. She barely sees her sons, and when she does see them she bad mouths us. We have never said a negative word against the woman and defend her often to the boys. In the last few days the boys have been saying things disrespectfully and as if we are the bad guy. We hide these things from them, we protect her... Feeling as if their relationship with their mom is more important than our hurt feelings. But are we setting them up for hurt? Sooner or later she will show them this side of her, they will be crushed.
Stop protecting her. No need
Stop protecting her. No need to badmouth her, but it's not yours or your DH's place to "protect" her from the things her boys say or do toward her. Do not defend her.
They are old enough to sort things out in their minds, & IMO, when one person is not being truthful it hinders the "kids" from being able to find closure to what was a family.
She has been showing her true colors, & you need to allow the boys to see them. They can draw their own conclusions, but you have to give them the opportunity to do so. No doubt, it will hurt & they will feel angry, but it's something that needs to happen.
They are adults. They can handle it.
It's one thing to shelter
It's one thing to shelter them from it when they're children. If they're old enough to be applying to college, pull out the court paperwork, pull out where she said she didn't want the kids and refused to pay CS, let them read it. Leave it lying on the kitchen table and let them see what she is.
Overturned divorce? Are you
Overturned divorce? Are you really sure of that?
I agree that you should just let these kids learn on their own time and without your help. They're not stupid and odds are they already know and/or suspect most of what you would have them 'learn'.
agreed with everyone, my
agreed with everyone, my "skids" are 12 and 14, we had to stop sheltering them because she was making such horrible decisions, allowing horrible things and has now basically abandoned them. They are so much better off knowing the real deal then to know theres hush hush going on and they are young adults now, its time they make their own decisions of their mother.