Between a rock and a hard place!
I am brand new to this forum. I came here hoping to get some advice, and if nothing else, be able to vent to people who can understand my point of view, because my Husband cannot!
I am 43 years old and have been married for almost 10 years. I was never blessed with kids of my own, but my Husband has 3. The oldest was 12 when he was killed in 2002, so needless to say, the other 2 have baggage. We sought custody of them in 2004, and won custody at that time. The Mother is not the nicest of people to say the least, and she is mentally unstable. Needless to say, I can't stand the woman, and have banned her from my house. I guess I figure there is little that I can control, but keeping out of my home is one thing I have a say so with.
I get along with the oldest, boy, 17. He treats me like his "Mom" and calls me that when speaking to others, even though he addresses me by my first name. We gave them that choice from the beginning. He gives us the typical "teenage" grief, but all in all, I feel he respects me as his Mom. The girl, 15, on the other hand, not at all. She refers to me by my first name to her peers, which they think they can also. I believe that is wrong. It should be Mr and Mrs. Also, she will not refer to me as her Mom. Her excuse is that her friends get confused because she also talks about her Mother. I think this is a crock! She won't admit it though. She is also very much like her Mother in the way she acts, and since I can't stand her Mother, I am having a terrible time liking my step daughter. My Husband just doesn't get it, and feels like much if this is just me. I am not showing her enough compassion. I try to explain to him that I'm tired of trying to bond with her, and having her remind me that she has a Mother! Not exactly with words, but with actions.
Does anyone have any suggestions? I can't tell their "Oven" to go away, and I'm tired of fighting with my Husband because I can't get along with her. What do I do? Please help!
Um, I think you're putting
Um, I think you're putting WAY too much emphasis on the "mom" thing.
I say this as a stepmom who has a FABULOUS relationship with her 15yo stepdaughter.
SD15 acts more like me than she does BM. SD15 tells me more than she does BM. SD15 listens to me more than she does BM.
SD15 calls me Ms. Trish. I am her "stepmom" to her friends. I do not expect nor want her to call me "Mom".
You are not their mother. END OF STORY. They HAVE a mother. You can not get rid of her by wishing, and shame on you for expecting your skids to "act like (I am) Mom". Respect due to an adult in the house, yes - but you are not their mother.
Ooops
Ooops
How was the 12 year old
How was the 12 year old killed, if you don't mind my asking?
hippiegirl, He was run over
hippiegirl,
He was run over by a city bus. It was clearly her (the drivers) fault, but the kids were living with their BM at the time, and she put him in a position that allowed the accident to happen. At 12 years old she had him go get her a 2 liter bottle of soda. She didn't want to pay $.50 more to keep him on the same side of a major road, so she had him cross the street to get it cheaper. The accident occurred. Then, she didn't go look for him herself when he didn't come home, she sent the middle Son who was 8 at the time. He is the one who identified his brother to the police. The daughter was 6 at the time.
You place some of the blame
You place some of the blame for the child's death on his mom???
You betcha! She wasn't the
You betcha! She wasn't the one who ran him over, but she was the one who put him in the position to be run over. She made a bad choice. She was the adult and she should have known that having him at age 12 cross a 5 lane street to save $.50 was not a good choice. It was up to her to make sure she stayed safe. That's just the facts and these same facts were brought up in court when the bus company was sued. Wasn't just me who felt that way!
it feels like you have a lot
it feels like you have a lot of hard feelings for things that are not THAT bad...and in some cases...just normal. for what i hear, in your realtionship with your skids you have it easy. one respects you and acts like a normal teen and the girl seems not to fully accept you and challenges you a bit with the mom thing probably because she knows you care...its girl drama afterall. i think is normal that she calls you by your first name and count your blessings, relax, be thankful for you family, and belive me for the sound of it, you are a lucky stepmom, most of us in this forum have some very delicate situations in our hands. i hope you understant that im not tryin to underestimate your post but im honestly trying to give you the best advice..dont sweat the small stuff!
hugs from sm to sm
Dalhia
Thanks Dalhia! I know in the
Thanks Dalhia!
I know in the big picture I have it better than others. I think the world of my SK's. I would put them up against most kids in this world. Both academically and behaviorally. My biggest frustration is with dealing with their BM. She is the worlds luniest BITCH! She has no regards to the kid's feelings, wants, nor desires. I know as a BM she has certain rights, but just because you can spit a kid out of you, doesn't mean you are the best thing for your kids. I know, as my Mom is not my BM. She is my adoptive Mom. I wouldn't have wanted anyone different, and I love my BM for not being selfish and keeping me when she couldn't raise me. (She was 16). She put me first in making her decisions. The sk's BM does not do this. It is all about her and not the kids. In fact, according to the court order she gets a week at Christmas. The kids have told her they don't want to go for a variety of reasons. She is laying guilt trips on them and planning on forcing them to go. All she is doing is chasing them away. She just won't get it!!