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Did anyone else read this (from monsterous "Can't Stand SKs" thread)? Thoughts?

mommylove's picture

http://www.steptalk.org/node/4004?page=11

Submitted by nicolekk8 on Wed, 02/02/2011 - 1:08am.
Wow- I'm a 27 year old step-daughter and when I stumbled upon this blog it was so heartbreaking to see all of this "venting" from so many step-mothers that I had to comment.

**As a disclaimer- my comments are really toward the moms who hate very young step-children - I'd say 8yrs old and younger.**

Now, I understand that some children, particularly children that have been in difficult situations (ie. divorce, abuse etc), can truly be "terrors" to the point that it can bring an adult to their wit's end. And when an adult is pushed to that limit, they may even "act out" in ugly ways too... even if that acting out is just venting about "hate hate hating" a child on an internet site. But let's make no mistake about it- the ugliness here is still WRONG. Understandable, considering the stress the step-parents are going through, but still not okay.

Also- let's be honest and admit that an adult hits their "wits end" sooner with a child that is not theirs than they would with their biological child. A child of divorce is already fragile and distrustful, requiring MORE attention, patience, care, and affection than an average child, AND they already tend to suspect that very FACT to begin with (that a step-parent does not have the same natural love, affection, patience etc for them as they would for a biological child) - so they are certainly going to sense it right away. In fact, they may be overly sensitive and distrusting to the point where they feel unloved even when they ARE loved- let alone when they are genuinely HATED.

Rest assured that if you do not seek out counseling or do whatever it is you need to do to learn how to love that child it will NOT get better. If you continue to remain in a situation where you know you hate the child, and can not bring yourself to love it, then you will become RESPONSIBLE for continuing this vicious cycle that you are complaining about. I'm not saying you started it. But I can tell you the child is the one LEAST responsible for starting it! They came into this world simply wanting to be loved- by their two biological parents. Somewhere along the road, they were jolted out of that possibility, and in their limited capacity as children, they are now expected to simply adjust to foreign new arrangements with people (step-parents) that they never knew or share any bond with. Adults have enough trouble adjusting to dramatic change, and we have the advantage of a lifetime of learning to develop coping mechanisms. This is not an easy feat for a small child!

In order for there to be a bond, a child needs to come to genuinely believe that the adult is happy to have them in their life, and that adult loves them unconditionally. Sure, parents all yell and get frazzled and dole out discipline, but somewhere in there- at least in healthy relationships- the relationship should be peppered with moments where the child is made aware that the adult views them as a BLESSING and not just a BURDEN. In most relationships between biological parents and their children, this usually happens naturally. It does not come naturally for a step-parent, I've come to learn, but then if that person wants to take on the awesome and sometimes thankless responsibility of being a step-parent, then they better learn to "fake it till they make it". If you are not ever going to be capable of cultivating that level of affection and patience toward this child- I truly feel sorry for the long-term damage this is going to create for that child.

Now, reading through all the comments, some of you may actually have unique situations- requiring psychological consultation. For example, the kid killing small animals and being unable to show normal emotions of sadness- does sound seriously mental disturbed and possibly a sociopath. Some of the other kids do sound like they could have other mental disorders that they should be diagnosed and treated for(ie. asbergers). But some of them just sound like step-parents who needs to figure out how to love this child they have agreed to care for (ie. the mom who can't believe her step-son throws tantrums because he needs his blanket at all times- NORMAL CHILD BEHAVIOR)

Being a step-parent may be one of the hardest things a person will ever have to do- but they should only do it if they are up for that challenge. If not, they will probably create lasting damage to the child emotionally/ psychologically/ etc. I realize that for many of you leaving your husband for the sake of that child is not much of an option because you have other children in the mix. For you, I seriously reccommend you take the route or counseling for child and/or yourselves, if you don't think you can repair the relationship on your own. You can be able to get some insurance coverage for appts, but even if not, the money is worth it, considering a human beings well-being is at stake.

Just my thoughts.

PS. As an adult I now have a positive relationship with both my step-mother and step-father. I truly hope the same for you and yours in the future.

Comments

Whateva's picture

Some of what you say makes sense however everyone on here has a unique situation. As long as a child isn't being abused in any manner, it really isn't a fair expectation that everyone has to love any child whether they are under or over the age of eight! I am always intrigued by the concept that as a society we have to love children just because they are children. I believe since children are human with their own individual personalities and manipulative behavior it is unreasonable to think people should love them just because. Do you like every human you come into contact with? I doubt it, so combine that real fact with a skid who don't like you because he/she think you are the reason their parents are not together or who are disrespectful, and obnoxious then you have an adult who can honestly say they don’t like their skid.

There are many stories on here where the stepparent has bent over backwards to create a decent relationship with their skid and it has back fired. It isn't unreasonable to dislike a kid. However this is an age old argument on this topic and on this site, you are not the 1st to have this revelation and you won’t be the last.

I have read some behavior by skids under 8 who have done some unthinkable things and even though that isn’t my situation I can sympathize to how an adult could make such a statement. Perhaps some on this site is a tad over the top but most of the loathing I have read seem to be warranted.

A divorce does not have to cripple a child, it is one of those occurrences that happen and need to be dealt with just like the loss of a loved one, neither are pleasant but that doesn’t mean the kid has to be treated like a piece of fragile crystal considering the kids have parents that love them, a warm home, food and guidance. If a step parent can be a support in that Childs life then that is all one can expect, if a deeper bond is created then that is just icing on a cake.

Whateva

caregiver1127's picture

I am not sure why this blog is here - it is from 2007 so most members who commented on that blog are gone - I would rather someone come on here and vent than go up to a 4 year old and beat the shit out of them - it is venting - if that is what helps someone get through the day then good for them - as it says up in the Left Hand corner at the top:

StepTalk.org WHERE STEPPARENTS COME TO VENT

If we start to be so judgmental to other members of the site than they may not keep posting and venting and all that built up stress is not a good thing - so until we walk a mile in someone's shoes lets not be too hasty to judge them - you never truly know what someone is living with - and you never will - can you imagine what it takes for someone to come on here and say they hate their stepkid - it is not easy to admit that and then when they do they get blasted - we don't know why or what brought them to confess this but they did and we need to respect their feelings not agree with them but respect them!!!!

Anon2009's picture

This is how I feel too, especially with younger skids. They might know right from wrong but they are still very young and need their parents to show them how to act properly and for their parents to discipline them when they act up.

I also think kids can feel and sense when they're resented, especially when it's in their own home. I think that the person/people we should be resenting are our DHs who don't step up to parent their kids. If these dads don't step up and parent their kids, how can we expect the kids to behave? Why do we end up resenting the kids instead of our DHs? A lot of what I read about on this site sounds like normal kid screw-ups for kids who haven't been taught better. Like Snickers said, resenting them won't help. Their parents parenting them will help.

I also think a lot of these kids are reacting to how their SP feels about them, because they can sense it. And I also think that much (like 90%) of the blame in these situations belongs to the bioparents who do not step up and parent their younger kids.

We need to remember that a lot of these younger skids have PASinator BMs and Disneyland Dads. None of these adults step up to the plate to parent them, so how can we expect the younger kids to know what to do and how to behave?

I don't think stepparents should be forced to love a child. However, I do think we need to stop resenting the younger skids and start giving more of the blame to the people who do have the power to change the situation- the bioparents.

caregiver1127's picture

Completely agree with SG27 - I did not realize that the above writer was not even a step parent - how do you write about something that you have never done - good poing SG27!!

Jsmom's picture

Wow - You can not condemn Steps for not loving their Steps. Sometimes we can't. They make it very difficult. As for being a product of divorce and using that as an excuse for their behavior. I call Bullshit...

My son lost his father at the age of 6 and a brother before that. He gets no coddling because of that. I have expectations for him. Why should these kids get to behave the way they do, because their parents are divorced. Get over it. Bad things happen to everyone.

I totally disagree with that mentality.

lifeisshort's picture

So what if children make it difficult? Why does that even matter? I'm calling BS on THAT... it's an excuse.
It's an excuse for your behavior. You justify your behavior by blaming it on a child's being "difficult." Really? I had no idea children would be difficult. Thanks for filling me in on that!

ALL children are difficult at some time or another. But we're the ADULTS. We have more life experience than they do. We have skills and coping mechanisms that they do not have. That's why we're PARENTS. That's why we're charged with TEACHING them HOW to behave correctly. Not through anger, not through ignoring their very existence, but through teaching them with respect and kindness.
But I guess that's too much to ask. Maybe it's just too "difficult."

I can judge someone for being an ass to a child. I was a child. I was a SD. I was treated as if I did not exist by my SM. I know what that feels like and I wouldn't want any child to feel that way. Just know that karma is a bitch and what you put out there comes back to you. It did to my SM. After 36+ years of marriage to my Bio-dad, he left her for someone else - now she is treated as if she does not exist. Her karma to deal with.

JMHO.

shootingstarz's picture

This has made me think.

I need to change my attitude toward DH's kids. I treat them as if they don't exist. I am totally shut off. I don't have any sort of connection with them. Don't think I ever will. And that is fine with me. But I just need to change the way I act towards them. For my own sanity. As well as to make my DH happier. And from reading your reply, to make his kids happy.

Thank you. Smile

aug2010's picture

We choose to marry the people we love therefore we are choosing to accept their attachments. I cannot hate my SS, how is it his fault by the lack of discipline from his parents, his BM's constant jealousy over me and DH's relationship and she spews that on her son. I have to agree wit h everybody, yes everyone's situation is different, yes it is sometimes impossible to make any change on a SS/SD for them to act differently. But HATE is a strong word. HATE is what hurts people physically and emotionally. HATE is what kills people. I've read posts where it hurts stepparents feelings when a SC says they hate them. What's the difference? Don't you think if you feel hurt by hatred that a child, who has less experience with life, could be hurt too?