BM PUTTING 4 YR OLD SD ON GUILT TRIP
Well, I am a BM of a 12 year old son and a SM to a 14 yr old SD and a 4 yr old SD. The SD's have different BM's. Now here is my dilemma... 4 yr old SD asked me about 9 months ago if she could call me mom. Blew me away but of course I told her yes. I told her that her BM is momma or mommy but that I could be just plain ole mom. BM was fine with it, AT FIRST. BM is recently married to a guy who is good to SD and he treats her well from what we can tell so far, but SD has constantly asked if she could stay with us the long time and stay with her BM the little time (every other weekend). She did live with us when she was 2 being BM just could not be a mother and handle having at kid at that time. Then woke up one day and said she could handle it... This was after we had SD in day care, potty trained, etc. You know all the hard 2 year old stuff that needed to be done was out of the way now. Since BM got SD back it has been money this and money that. Of course we can only do so much and take a word of advice... if you give in once it will go on for ever! Anyway the actual dilemma, BM is only 24 and hubby and I are both 33. I know big age gap... I am sure you can figure out the situation. I received an email from BM today telling me that SD doesn't need to call me MOM anymore. Let me copy and pastes BM's exact words:
(Blank will be SD's Stepdad)
I’ve been meaning to talk to you guys about an issue that is really bothering me. I know back in January (daughter) ‘asked’ if she could call you mom. You and Bio dad quickly agreed that would be ok. I laughed it off, but its just not a good idea. I know it has been going on for 9 months now, but before it goes any longer, it needs to be stopped. Blank and I both appreciate everything you do for (daughter). You have been really good for her. Have taught her a lot. She enjoys her time that she spends with yall. I am by no means saying anything negative about that. But in reality you are not her mom. I am. She shouldn’t call you that. Yes, if I wasn’t in the picture and it was just you and Bio dad, then by all means, she should call you mom cause you would be the mother figure in her life. But that is not the case. I am very much here. When Blank and I got married, never once did we suggest her to call him dad. Blank is not her father. Bio dad is. I don’t think that he would appreciate another man being called dad when he is very much in the picture and an active father in her life. I am asking for you and Bio dad’s cooperation in this matter. Asking that yall start suggesting you to be called (your name). Please make her aware that calling you (your name) is just fine as you are not her mom. It is just getting to be too much. I don’t like hearing her talk about “dad and mom” to me, because in reality, Bio dad and I are her dad and mom. She also told me the other day that since she calls you mom, she is going to call me by my name. That is not acceptable. This is nothing against you by any means. I just feel it needs to be stopped.
I have responded and was nice but let BM know that SD can call me mom if she feels comfortable with that. Most Stepparents do not have Stepchildren that feel comfortable enough to call them mom or dad and I am gratefull that SD feels the way she does about me.
Of course I received an ugly response back from BM. Any input here and should Hubby and myself make SD call me by my name because of BM's insecurity issues? We want to do what is best for SD and do not want her to feel like an outsider in our home or that she can't express herself.
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I hate to say this but I
I hate to say this but I kind of can see where she is coming from. Imagine if your son started calling your ex's SO mom. I think it would bug you as I think it would be tough on any BM to handle. I also think it would be confusing for the little girl as she grows up. I never like agreeing with the evil BM's but try to look at it from her point of view and if you still feel the same then go with it.
I'm not sure.........
if I would have let my SD call me "mom" at any age. If their BM was dead - maybe. But I would hate it if my Bio-kids called anyone else mom. Of course, you said her BM was okay with it in the beginning, so to each his own, I guess. I have a 3 y/o granddaughter and when she comes to my house, sometimes she will call me mom and she will almost always correct herself and call me mamaw. I'm surprised that a 4 year old would even ask that when she all ready has a BM in her life. Did she ask you this before she was reunited with her BM - when BM was out of the picture for a while? That's a different story then. I was not around my skids when they were that young so I don't know if they would have wanted to call me mommy or not, but I'm not sure I would have been comfortable with it. Maybe Mommy2 would work now that BM is having a problem with it? I am not being harsh or judgmental by no means, I'm just thinking as a Biomom also and trying to put myself in that same scenario.
Oh hell, what do I know, I'm sure I have made, and will for sure make, many many mistakes in this "blended family world" we now live in.
My Bio Son does not call his
My Bio Son does not call his SM Mom being he is almost 13 and older. He will talk about her and say his SM, but he does call her by her name. If he did call her mom I would have no problem with it being I know I am his mother and always will be his mother, basically I have no insecurities. I am glad that my son has the relationship with his SM that he does. I have seen so many situations where the SKids get the bad end of the stick. I hate that and will not have a bad relationship with my SD. If she feels comfortable calling me mom then so be it. I am not going to make her feel uncomfortable in any way, shape or form. We have taken care of her so BM could go party, etc. etc. This is not about BM's emotional roller coaster. It is about SD and making life as normal as possible for her. Thanks for your posts I tried to see it from BM's point of view, but if everyone knew the whole situation, you would understand why I feel the way I do and just can't see it from her way of thinking.
No insecurities............
Wow, that must feel wonderful.
Let me explain myself a
Let me explain myself a little. I grew up in a household with a terrible step parent. (didn't stop until 3 years ago when my mother divorced him, so that was 20 years of my life). I never dreamed that I would be a SM oneday but I am and I have always worked hard not to treat my son the way I was treated and I will not treat SD like I was treated either. There is not one child on this earth that deserves to be treated badly. A child is taught behavior throughout life, which stems from a bad parent or good parent. My oldest SD is a hand full and has been taught that you can't live without drama by her BM, but that is just something you deal with because that is a learned behavior taught to an innocent child by an irresponsible adult. My youngest SD is very sweet but of course she is only 4. I just pray that my husband and myself can be the better influence and hopefully she won't be made into an emotional rollercoaster. And yes I do pray for BM too. Yesterday caught me off guard and really broke my heart because I do love SD and she loves coming to visit on weekends. I just hate that she is stuck in this situation, but there is nothing I can do. But as far as my mothering ability I have no insecurities. When you start letting your pride and emotions run things it makes everything so hard for the children involved. They do not ask to be born into this world, so if born into a not so good situation we all need to be the better parent and do what we can to help them and the circumstance at hand. I do appreciate everyone's input. It really helped out. I went home last night and thought about everything. I am not going to tell SD she can't call me mom. She can call me whatever she wants whether it be my name, scooby doo or mom. I am going to leave that up to her.
I don't think you should
I don't think you should make her call you a different name. I think it would cause more damage to her mentally if she wasn't allowed to call you mom anymore. She is 4 and asked to call you mom, it may just be easier for her since when she is at your house she sees you as the mom. Telling a 4 year old that she is not allowed to call you mom anymore will probably upset her and cause issues between you two later on in life. I don't know that she would understand completely why she isn't allowed to call you mom anymore.
Do you know how awful it would be............
if the SM and the dad got divorced?
This little girl would lose another "mom" and us stepparents do not have rights to skids after divorce. This little girl would probably never see this "mom" again. That's what frightens me when I think about what could happen to my skids if something ever happened between their father and me. I pray that nothing will happen, but shit happens.
oops
oops
Thank you!!
That was the point I was trying to make. Thank you! I am not worried whether she calls me mom, the man in the moon, etc. I am worried about her emotional well being. The child goes through enough with BM making comments, etc then making her feel uncomfortable when she told her it was ok 9 months ago.
sorta going through this too
My soon to be SD, who is 5, has been asking her BF and I for the last few months if she can call me Mom. I freeze when she says this. I would hate to hurt her BM's feelings, even though she is evil! Apparently SD also asked her BM if she could call me mom too and she said NO WAY. And called me accusing me of telling SD that she should call me mom. she demanded that SD call me by my first name. SD has cried and said, i know its mean but I really want to call you mom too. Its such a touchy subject.
WOW! I hate when kids are
WOW! I hate when kids are made to feel that way. It breaks my heart. There are alot of TERRIBLE stepparents in this world and when a SKid has a good one the BIO parents should count their blessings. And do whatever possible to get along. I guess some people just can't do it. I am sorry your SD is going through the same thing mine is.
To Mom or not to Mom....
My SD9 asked me once if she could call me mom... I told her that she already had a mommy and that even though I am her 2nd mommy she should just call me by my name so she doesn't hurt her mommy's feelings.
She was completely ok with that.
I DESPISE the BM and having her daughter call me mom would have been a HUGE dig at her, but I didn't want to go there.
If your SD really wants to call you mom maybe you should have her call you another version of mom. Maybe something like Nana.
It's a touchy subject I sympathize.
I see how touchy it is now.
I see how touchy it is now. BM had no problem with it when SD started doing it, but 9 months later she is trying to say stop it. That is the part that bothers me. She constantly says things to SD to make her feel uncomfortable. It gets under my skin being SD is going through this and BM is not grown up enough to realize that she is hurting SD by saying derogatory things or making comments, basically she is putting SD down emotionally. She can't go home and talk about us because BM doesn't like it. Yet BM is married and her and my husband were not a couple when pregnant, just one of those things that happened one night. Now all the sudden after SD is 4 and a half she has issues. I did tell her she needs to grow up yesterday though. I just couldn't help myself. This poor 4 year old is being put through the ringer. UGH!!!
Sad.....but true!
When I got into my first relationship after my divorce, my kids would sometimes my new BF when they were with their father. Back then they only saw their father about once a month. He would tell them to never mention BF's name again. I called the ex and told him that these kids are little and they don't understand the dynamics of adult divorce issues and that they are just talking about their lives with their dad. I suggested that maybe dad should start spending more time with the kids and they would have things to talk about with me for a change. It's funny, because now when I have met the man of my dreams and he has great kids who I love - I have had to lie to them all ready. When we first started dating they would beg me to come to their soccer games and WE (now FH and I) knew that BM would completely lose her mind if I showed up at a game and so I would tell the girls that I had to work. Young children don't realize how uncomfortable this would have been for BM and maybe for me and FH. They just want everybody to watch them play soccer.
AAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhh to be so innocent.
I know. It really stinks
I know. It really stinks for the kids. Especially when you have skids that you love and that love you. Why do the BM's make it so difficult??????? :?
That is a good idea, but
That is a good idea, but honestly I am going to leave that up to SD. BM has evidently been telling her to call me by my name for months and SD still calls me mom and does not hesitate to do so. I just hate that she is stuck in the mess at BM's house. It is just beside me how a BM can basically down their own flesh and blood like she does my SD.