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Baby mama drama don't wanna

mommers2620's picture

So my husband and I have been together for 4 years. I have an 8 year old son and so does he. They get along great and I am thankful for that. Also thankful for my relationship with my step son. His mother on the other hand is a whole other story. She is the type that if she cant have her ex then no one can. I was not the women after her, years had passed since their split and all I wanted was a good relatioship with her for their son. I continue to be nice to her and give her chances even after she has told me to my face that I am nothing but another girl, she will get him back, that her son is not allowed to go on our family vacation unless she is present, that she likes to blow up my husbands phone when shes bored to see if he'll talk...the list goes on for days. 2 years ago it got to a point where I had to tell her that she can no longer speak to me because of the amount of disrespect she was throwing my way. Nothing to do with her son, just her, she knows and tells me she knows how well I take care of her son and how much he loves me. Currently the boys are in karate and so every Monday and Wednesday we have to see each other. It started off with us waving and saying hi maybe the first 2-3 times. Then I took her son (M) to a Wednesday practice because Wednesday is M's day with us and my son is also going to the same practice. She was levied because I took them alone and my husband wasn't with us because he was still working. So she stopped being cordial and decided to be rude when I handed her his backpack. Following week made M call his dad and say, "Dad mom said if you aren't taking me to karate then no one (me) can. She will pick me up and take me." Following week, "Dad is mommers2620 taking me to karate or are you?" It hurts me that she uses him in this way but would these go pages long if I went on with that. She now acts as if I do not exist even if I am standing next to her at karate. I am a very friendly person and I don't want this hostility in life when it can all be avoided. I don't want to be bestfriends or anything but I would like for us to be on okay terms that we respect one another and can easily ask each other simple questions regardling M. My fellow step mamas please give me some guidance in my ratteled brain that tells me to reach out to her and talk to her again (blew up in my face 2 times already) the first 2 years. Or let it go and just accept this for what it is?!?

Comments

ESMOD's picture

She cannot dictate who drives her kid to practice on dad's time.  that is for dad to allow.. unless there is something in the CO that prevents it.  or unless you are unlicensed or a drunk.

mommers2620's picture

Definetly not a drunk or unlicensed lol. Dad did let her know and it's only been the one time he couldn't come so haven't got to the part of what will happen the next time around yet. We shall see

skell76's picture

took it to court to state I couldn't drive SD, go to any school things/confernces/docs etc.  

Your SO's time, his rules. She has zero say and I'm sure if they have a CO it has something to do with not putting the child in the middle. I'd hold her in contempt or at least have a strongly worded letter from an attorney to cease and decist. 

mommers2620's picture

Yes they have a court order and even the mediator told her to stop putting her son in the middle of things and the day after that phone call she was doing it still so thats a lost cause sadly. She knows what the court order says but she just likes to start problems to work us all up. I need to not give her any satisfaction in that way

hereiam's picture

When she tries to put your SS in the middle, your DH should just tell him, "Don't worry about it, son, I will handle it." 

BM may have SS ask the question but your DH does not have to send back the answer. He can then "handle it" however he sees fit, whether he takes SS to practice or you do (or whatever the situation is).

Also, your DH does not owe BM any explanation about why you took SS to karate.

 

hereiam's picture

As far as reaching out to her, let it go. She has made it clear where she stands, don't bother trying to be friendly with her. Civil, when you have to see her, but that's it.

Unless there is a valid, legal reason, and she gets a court order saying so, she cannot stop you from taking your SS to karate. Ignore.

mommers2620's picture

You said it perfect. Ignore! Easier said then down lol. But I am trying my best to not let her weekly troubles get to me.

GrudgingSM's picture

If she is high conflict, I would NOT reach back out to her. There will be no friendliness or mutual respect there, and if suddenly there is, I would bet she wants something. She should not be allowed to dictate something like that during your partner's time with his kid. It's a ride to practice! Good grief! But if she'll pick a fight over that, she'll pick a fight over anything. You cannot change her through kindness. Put up boundaries and keep them up.

mommers2620's picture

Good greif is right! Like she knows I'm driving their regardless because our sons have the same practice. I know she does it all on purpose. I know its to bother my husband and I. And to have control over us. You're very right I can not change her through kindness, but I battle with letting that go. Letting go with the thought of us being okay with each other. Looking up some tips on boundaries!!

CLove's picture

She is not now nore ever will be your FRIEND.

Do not reach out and do not get sucked into her dramas. Thats what she wants.

She is a mean and twisted phsycho who is going to hammer at you if you leave that door open.

Be civil. I dont do any pickups or drop offs anymore, but I can if I want and circumstances deem it necessary.

Dont let her make you afraid of doing pickups drop offs, but definitely dont reach out.

mommers2620's picture

She is for sure a phsycho and get this a school phsycologist to top it off lol. My problem is idk how to shut that door. Its something I know I need to work on and probably let go of the hope, but its who I am to want to fix things that are negative in my life. Or I need to practice not giving an eff about her and her drama she wants to bring in our lives.

CLove's picture

Because they think they know what healthy looks like.

And they know they are messed up, which is why they went into phsych in the first place.

Dont do the pick me dance with this one...it will only blow up on you.

hereiam's picture

but its who I am to want to fix things that are negative in my life.

You can't fix what you can't control and you can't control her or what she does or says. You can only control what you do and how you react.

She's miserable, so wants everybody else to be miserable, as well. That's the only way these high conflict woman can feel like they have any power and control.

mommers2620's picture

Yeah she told me once that she needs to be in control of all of us. But yes she is probably miserable on the inside so she wants us to all feel the same. I can only control how I feel and how I react towards her. I don't want to get her control in any way. She does not deserve that satisfaction!

CastleJJ's picture

Our HCBM is also in the mental health profession, particularly, a social worker for an inpatient psych ward at a children's hospital. She is very unstable, which is troubling, yet probably why she went into psych. Our BM believes she is superior to everyone and has major narcissistic tendencies. 

I want to echo what others are saying, you will not win with this BM. These HCBMs twist everything, and because they have an understanding of psychology, they use that to manipulate and abuse others. I tried everything to be civil and polite with our HCBM, like you. I didn't want to be friends, I just wanted to be able to work together for SS9. It all blew up in my face multiple times over. BM has never respected me no matter how hard I try and she used my involvement to manipulate and abuse me and DH. I haven't seen or communicated with BM in 2 years. Taking a step back was the BEST thing I ever did! Don't get me wrong, HCBM still tries to drag me into her drama occasionally by talking about me/accusing me of things to DH, but we remain mostly unaffected because DH maintains strong boundaries and ignores her and I have no contact with BM. Do not try to "fix" this with BM - it will fail miserably. 

mommers2620's picture

I feel you on the superior and narcissistic...BM likes to always say, "Research has shown" "Research that I've done says"

That is very true not only does she try to manipulate or abuse my husband and I but alot with her son. Breaks my heart for him! Thank you for the reassurance that taking a step back and not having that communication is better. Like there is still drama but it's not as bad as when she would send texts and put us in group chats together so I need to take the step back as a victory in this less is better!

JRI's picture

I tried with our late BM, too.  She ended up talking about me in a negative way to the kids.  It affected my relationships with them and I still resent that.

Thereafter, my motto was civil and polite.  I didn't start conversations with her, responded politely if she did, didn't discuss anything of importance with her, certainly never called her.  I think she was more comfortable with it that way, too.

It was too bad, I could have worked well with someone less volatile.  Good luck.

mommers2620's picture

I can relate with the negative talk, after the 3rd year my step son finally stopped playing in to her ways with what she would say about me to him. He's a smart boy, even at 6 years old he saw his mom in my face telling me things and told her, "Mom how would you feel if someone talked to you like that?" Boy did he get in trouble for saying that and after that came all the negativity about me to him. 

Yeah it's not all about what would be better for me, whats better for her is to probably act like I dont exsist.

My sons step mom is great and I am so thankful for her and we are friendly with one another which is probably why I get so eager to be the same with my step sons mom. Thank you!!

bearcub25's picture

I pretend BM doesn't exist, I am literally not even civil to her....it took years of me trying to be the bigger person and I'm too damn old to pretend any longer.  I literally do not look at her or speak to her, even though she tries to get me to talk to her, I just walk away.  The skids are adults so that helps but I wish I had done that 10 years ago.

mommers2620's picture

Did she disrespect you so much that acting like she didn't exsist was what you had to do for your own sanity? Does she try talking to you because she wants to seem like the better person or because she wants to start problems?