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OT-All the feelings

mommadukes2015's picture

I just need to get this out. My emotions have been pinballing around my body for 24 hours and I’m trying really hard to regulate them and come to terms with some things. 

Last week I posted about how helpful BM2 has been with my live-in aging FIL. That is still true and not much has changed as far as she is concerned but thing developed with my FIL’s decompensation quicker than expected. 

SO and I had a difficult discussion last week regard FIL. He had been home for 3 weeks straight after we had a talk with him and his wife regarding his weekend visits to their apartment. Since February when he moved in, he has tried to spend the weekends at their apartment. Each time he went, he came back  in rough shape. We worked hard to put our finger on it, but he would miss his meds, come back very tired, have a hard time eating and drinking and it was overall not conducive to his health. After about a month of this happening consistently, he finally hit a breaking point. One day, after a weekend at his wife’s, he fell-bad. We had him taken to the hospital via ambulance. The hospital did nothing really except tell us he’s on too much pain medication. He’s been on the same dose of morphine for the last 30 years. FIL was not hearing this, was not having this and honestly, it wasn’t the morphine. The morphine wouldn’t know when he visited his wife and when he didn’t. 

We talked with his PT and we all, FIl included decided he needed to take a break from the visits home until he could get a better foothold on his health. 

This lasted 3 weeks. It PO’d his wife (SO’s SM) and she was hanging up on me, being rude and passive aggressive when FIL told her that he needed a break from his visits for a while.

I should probably note right about now, FIL is prescribed OxyContin. (For those of you that have followed my blogs you know my SO is a recovering heroin addict with 9 years sobriety under his belt. I would not allow this substance into my home without proper precaution. So it was kept in a heavy duty lock box with a code that FIL and I had, up until he gave his wife the code-she took 16 of the 29 oxy’s he had left, at which I changed the code and didn’t give it to FIL with the key to the safe kept at my father’s house.)

Anyway, two weeks ago, FIL decided he was going to visit his wife for 1 night. He had had a great, GREAT week. We figured 24 hours wouldn’t hurt too much.




When end he returned he was worse than ever. So bad, that in Friday I had him taken to the hospital via ambulance. Before that, he had spent the week cussing me out, not sleeping, not eating, when he did sleep it was the kind of “pass out” sleep that is very deep, he was incontenent during these times and it was just a lot more work than I am able to handle with a full time work from home job/career, two kids, one on the spectrum and the normal responsibilites that come with all of that. 


I had had a long talk with his wife about a nursing home and everyone seemed to be in agreement that she nor I could keep him safe any longer. 


When end I called the hospital case manager yesterday I found out he was being discharged to MY home as per his wife. I said no, he cannot come here a nursing home was discussed. The case manager called me back after talking with wife, and said no, she’s instant that he goes home. I immediately called APS. There is so so much more to this, but she can’t (read WON’T) care for this man. 


My SO is beside himself angry, hurt, and in his words “greiving the loss of his dad” because if he goes home with her, he will most certainly die. FIL’s wife has even admitted that if we didn’t intervene when we did, he would have died months ago. 


I feel a lot of things, angers, sad, taken advantage of and very worrried for my SO. I am also worried that FIL's wife is going to try to point the finger at SO, which I told the APS worker, he has a history of herion use, the meds are locked and he has never touched them.  I talked to the home care nurse who saw my FIL here, she told me that she documented his condition and the fact that his medications were stored in a locked box the entire time he was here. I also consistantly expressed concerns to anyone who would listen about wife taking or FIL giving her his oxy's. It's just all so screwed up. SO was supposed to bring his brother and neice to see FIL at the hosptial last night, but after learning about SM's plans, neither he nor his brother felt it was a good idea for them to go as they were very unhappy and upset. What bothers me, is that they didn't even call FIL to tell him. They both are really treating this like the man has already passed. I took him into my home so my SO could have no regrets when it did come time for his father to pass, now it seems that we've done all we can do, but I'm afraid he's going to regret "grieving" this "loss" before it's actually happened. He said that he cannot and will not watch SM allow FIL to deteriorate to nothing and if that's what FIL chooses for himself then that's his choice. 


mommadukes2015's picture

Thank you. I just wish I wasn't "crying constipated" right now. I could really use a good solid cry, but I just can't get it out. 

Iamwoman's picture

Why is FIL’s wife against the nursing home idea?

Does she stand to benefit generously from her husband’s death? It’s pretty obvious she doesn’t love her husband, or she wouldn’t be stealing his meds or idly watching him deteriorate.

Cooooookies's picture

Because if he's in a nursing home, he will no longer have visits to her house.  Which then means she can no longer steal his drugs plus whatever other abuse she was handing out.  Her gig would be up.  He would receive proper care and she'd no longer be in control of destroying this man and taking his drugs.

What a vile POS she is... some people just sicken me.

mommadukes2015's picture

^^^^^^^^^ That is exactly it. And the car they lease is in his name, the apartment they live in requires both of their incomes at minimum, she would lose HIS food stamps. SO and I were really hoping all of that would occur to her AFTER he was placed in a nursing home. Guess she realized it sooner. 

I also suspect that she must have a life insurance policy out on him that none of us know about. 

It's disgusting. And there is SO SO SO much more. 

Aniki's picture

How terrible, all around. You are in such a difficult situation. Bless you for all that you've done and are trying to do for your FIL. Prayers and {{{{{HUGS}}}}}. Give rose