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O/T FIL's funeral, last week

Smellissa's picture

I wanted to tell you all about FIL's funeral that happened last week, to. First, I have to explain that MIL died on June 6th of last year.

Hubby and I had her cremated, and we kept her ashes in the box that the funeral home gave us, on a shelf in my living room. Having her ashes here was kind of cool, to. First of all, when SD15 came back to us, it gave her comfort that MIL's ashes were still here. Also, we had some weird things happen around my house, and all of us found comfort thinking that MIL was letting us know that she was still here.

Okay, onto FIL. FIL is really Hubby's SF (one of two, actually), but MIL had been with FIL since before both SD's were born. Hubby has no contact with his BF, so FIL was the only "grandpa" that they had on Hubby's side.

FIL had a good friend who was his POA (and this is where my bitter, bitchy side comes out). FIL and POA had discussed everything way before FIL got sick and was hospitalized about six or seven weeks ago. There was no question about what POA should do, in case FIL became sick, was hospitalized and/or died, and POA fallowed all of this to the letter, except for one part.

When FIL got better in the hospital, it was clear that he couldn't go back to his apartment, yet. There weren't enough funds to pay for the apartment, and a nursing home, so POA had to let the apartment go. It was sad, and something that I feel should of been the POA's business to explain to FIL whenever she felt it was right.

However, FIL had "other family" - his first wife's sister, niece and nephew. They fought POA the entire way. They were constantly asking about FIL's life insurance, and putting her down. FIL didn't want life support, or feeding tubes - POA knew this, but the "other family" kept saying that she was killing FIL by not forcing all of these things on him. When FIL went into the nursing home the "other family" broke their necks to call him and let him know his apartment was gone.

POA did a good job, though. Step-by-step she did everything as FIL would of wanted. She was the closest thing he ever had to a daughter, and the best friend he could of ever of wished for.

"Other family" was snide and bitchy about anything they could be snide and bitchy about. POA called me many times, just crying, and not knowing what to do. I felt so bad for her, and for her, I am glad that it is over, because these people were ridiculous and heartless.

POA planned the whole funeral, without their help. She was (of course) the first one at the funeral home, when the viewing started. The funeral home director told her to park behind the dress. "Other family" came in SCREAMING "But WE are FAMILY!" Ridiculous!

I had asked POA about having MIL buried with FIL, because I thought that was what she would of wanted. POA talked to FIL about it, and it was decided.. at one point, FIL refused to eat, because "the only thing he'd ever loved was gone", and only ate after that because POA was lost at the thought of loosing him. FIL told Nurse in his last days that MIL had come to visit him, but wouldn't take him with her, and he didn't know why. So, now they are together forever.

Well, when "other family" heard that they were to be buried together, "other family" asked "(Hubby) didn't have the money to bury her?". THEN they came up to Hubby and asked "Where is your mom buried?". Those bitches knew. F them.

At one point, SD12 and I were outside, and SD12 said that she was most sad because MIL might stop "haunting us". I told her that we could just ask MIL to still visit occasionally, and asked the man at the funeral home to allow us a few moments with the bodies.

So, after the service, the nice man asked that we be left alone for a moment (Hubby hadn't walked up to the casket at all, because he didn't want to cry in front of anyone else.) "Other family" refused to leave the room. Finally, I walked both SDs to the bathroom, and Hubby walked out. "Other family" left the room, and Hubby the girls and I went back in. We said what we needed to say, and left. I thought it was weird that "other family" had to go back in again, but whatever. We didn't have to be the last ones in the room, Sd12 just needed a few moments alone with people she trusted, and her grandparents.

Well now, "other family" is out of our lives. I hope that they leave POA alone, because she is truly a beautiful person who did a truly beautiful job.

And while I am complaining, let me point out that there were only 16 people at the service. I am bitter that these people were so mean to someone who loved FIL so much, but his funeral had all the people in the world who loved him there, and no one who was fake. To me, that made it a more beautiful thing.

MIL was mentioned during every part of the service, to. Both SDs were mentioned as "family", and that made them feel good. I am glad that things happened the way that they did, because SD15 got to attend both of her grandparents' funerals!

At the funeral home, SD15 and Hubby were both pallbearers. At the cemetery, it was FIL's nephew, Hubby, Sd15 on one side, and me, POA and SD12 on the other side.

After the final service, I explained to the girls that in my family, we use shovels, and cover the caskets ourselves (instead of some man driving a backhoe). I asked SDs if they wanted to do the same for their grandparents, and set it up that way, since they did. Hubby took the shovel on one side, and on the other, SDs and I took turns.

POA came up and told me that "Other family" wanted to help. Maybe they are not completely evil, after all. To me, it was very beautiful.

After that, we went to find FIL's parents. (LONG story, but FIL's father was Hubby's FIRST step dad!) We couldn't find them, so POA and "other family" went with us, and we finally found them.

FIL's mom didn't have a headstone! POA was very upset by this, and asked us all, if we would mind if she bought FIL and MIL a smaller headstone so that she could also afford to buy one for FIL's mother. I thought that was the sweetest thing in the world. Even after FIL was in the ground, POA was trying to do exactly what he would of wanted.

One last thing, and I will quit boring you guys. (Thanks to anyone who has read all the way!)

While we were waiting on them to bring the dirt and shovels back, POA pulled two "bugs" out of my hair. I looked down, and there was one on my shirt - a tiny baby spider! When we got back in the car, their were dozens of the little things all over the top of the car!


Smellissa's picture

Aswang, I don't know WHY Hubby has been acting the way he has. There is more to what he has done/been doing than what I have shared, and honestly it leaves me and the kids confused and hurting. We're just trying to maintain, but we're all excited for Hubby to start therapy and hope that will produce more answers for us.

I hear you about there never being any pauses or rest stops along the way of my step-journey! I don't remember your SN being around when Crew was here, but I am sure that you have heard of her. I used to look forward to her posts (stories) every day. Lately, I've been thinking of her a lot and being jealous... I wish that I was a crew, and that my girls and I weren't really (or hadn't had to of) going through the constant stress and drama!

Hubby is still living at Mom's. Maybe he does need time - the girls and I have needed time away from him, so maybe he needs time away from us, now. I just hope that I don't wind up bitter and angry in the end!

Smellissa's picture

Thank you, Ripley! I feel like my in-laws were very honored and so were my girls. Biggrin It was beautiful!

"Other family" does remind me of a crazy BM! The sad part is that nephew has some kind of mental disorder (I think he is on the autism spectrum) and he was just this quiet kid (30s or 40s?) who was in the middle of all of this. Before the end of the day, I had to walk up to him and shake his hand - I felt very honored by his help in burying MIL and FIL!

The shovel idea - it was a quiet way that everyone showed their respects. When I saw this older lady get up there and start shoveling, my heart kind of melted towards her, and her kid. It made me realize that they were hurting to!

new to this's picture

I thought my family tree was complicated but I think your DH tree has mine beat. None of this gives your DH the right to be the ass he has been to you and his daughters but he does need some counseling. No matter what people say I firmly believe our past effects totally who we are as adults. I have had lots of people argue with me on that but I will always believe it. You don't need to let your past keep you from being a better person but it helps to understand how what you have been through effects who you are so that you can do better.

Smellissa's picture

New to this, I have learned that some family trees carry a lot of vines on them, instead of branches! LOL

Hubby starts counselling in six days! It has been a LONG time in coming, but I am looking forward to it! The SDs are, too, and they want to be active in Hubby's therapy! They feel like this will give them the chance to say what they need to say to their father in a safe environment!

I believe, to, that our pasts effect who we are as adults. I spend a lot of time thinking about how little things today become big things in the future. I hope that my past has made me a better mom to the SDs!