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Sheepishly still poking around

Merrigan's picture

I might get roasted for this.  I’m still with my BF, but I have no plans to move in with him at all.  We go on a ton of dates on our time, and I spend about one day a month now at his place to try to keep some semblance of relationship with the SKs. 

Of course he wanted me to move in. He makes more than me, but he’s financially forked by the $2400 a month he spends in CS, and all the extras he pays for as well.  Here comes me with my guaranteed salary and pension. I actually take home much more that he does.  So no moving in. He’s bummed but whatever.

His SD16 still pretends to love it when I’m there, but now that I’m not spending money on her, I’m “boring”.  She talks about her mom now every chance she gets, about her new clothes and spa treatments. 

His family told me that the ex kept the kids away, and they’ve seen them more over the last couple years of us dating than during the kids whole life. That was a terrible thing to hear, but I can’t re-engage. 

My BF and I go on occasional vacations now, and the SKs are now told in advance and not allowed to complain. 

It’s gone back to being fun, though not as much as before I’d met them. Our dates are easy, and I have my own space. 


tog redux's picture

Why would you get roasted? You've heeded the red flags and worked out a situation that works for you. No shame in that. Now, had you moved in, then you'd get roasted.  Smile

Merrigan's picture

All of your advice and comments, combined with worsening behaviour from SD16, woke me up. It would be impossible at this point to move in with him.  I wouldn’t even have known how common this situation is if I hadn’t asked for help here.  Thank you all, so very much.  

hereiam's picture

If you want to continue having a relationship with him, that is your decision. You have heeded the advice you were given about not moving in with him and disengaging and that is good. Being true to yourself will eventually root out others' true motives, as you are seeing with SD16.

Carry on!

Aunt Agatha's picture

You have dodged a life of pain!  This seems so much more sane for you - enjoying what's best about your partner, while keeping the chaos at bay.


So very happy for you!  Here's hoping you continue to find happiness!

steppingback's picture

We have had married couples on this site that chose to maintain two separate households and they made it work. Your choice is valid and may lead to a happier couple.

Kes's picture

Absolutely no roasting going on here!  You made a very, very good decision to do what is best for your welfare and happiness, and you are doing it - and long may you enjoy it. If at any point this changes - then you can reassess and decide what's best for you when that time comes, which I'm sure you will.   Your SKIDs sound a lot like mine, with an eye always on what they can get in terms of £££ in every situation.  Personally I think THAT's boring and also distasteful.  

sharlyns's picture

Great job my lady! I wished I did that with my first marriage.  I lost it all!

So Kudos! Great example of loving yourself! And creating a happy retirement!

Heck date someone new!

Harry's picture

Or he loves your money.  He wants your money to move in so he has more to give his DD   She should be treated whe way she wants.  
if this works for you, that all good, just remember he may never stop giving money to DD.  So this can be your lifetime