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Feeling guilty again.

Merrigan's picture

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JRI's picture

Take your time.  Continue to date.  How often does he have the girls?  Don't rush into anything.  I'm sure you will receive 1,000 versions of these sentiments.  Good luck and congratulations on those instincts which are telling you to take things very slowly.

The only thing that concerns me is your feeling that you must be a great female role model because BM isn't.  That seems like a lot of pressure and a whacko BM is always trouble.

Again, good luck.

Merrigan's picture

Thank you!  He has the kids whenever he can, usually EOWE and a few weekdays, but a lot more since Covid. The pressure on me to be a good role model is half from myself, and half from his family. They mean well - they just know who BM is and what she's done to them. 

shamds's picture

Attractive!!

your gut is telling you that you will likely come second after skids feefees no matter how ridiculous they are. When i had been married 2-3 yrs and the same bs excuse from hubby ss(now 22) needs time to be respectful, not shun us, not emotionally abuse us, he needs time to adjust. 

Ss had 5.5 yrs after the divorce to warm up to the fact daddy might meet someone. After his dad met me he had 18 months to warm up and adjust to the fact we were exclusive and serious. Ss also had 7 months to adjust to the fact we were marrying and after his parents divorced 11+ years ago and bio mum marrying her lover the week divorce was finalised, after me and hubby being almost 6 yrs married, ss still needs time to adjust. I told hubby to quit the bullshit and that adjustment issues should have been sorted years ago!! Hubby has no business making me reside in a home with ss when he has made home life so toxic and unharmonious. 

I never expected when i married hubby that we would still be stuck with a failure to launch ss22 who will never leave home till he marries. Why would he leave?? He has it so good, rent and utility free!!

hubby bought a home in my birth country for me and our kids to live in and skids are banned from it. Hubby actually told ss last yr that how he treated us, noone wants to be around him, his own mum threw him out like garbage and disposed of him, wants nothing to do with him and he has a nice stepmum who just wants a harmonious home and he has sought to destroy the harmony with his selfishness.

hubby said he would be holidaying in our country every year for religious holidays and hubby had no grounds to bring ss, he couldn’t even convince me to bring ss with that crappy behaviour.

ss chucked his bs sob story in 3rd person pov “person is sorry and person will apologize to stepmum”... we are a year later and no apology.

how is it in 1 hour my daughter has been so polite helpful and said thankyou and please more than those almost 6 yrs of marriage with hubby. The excuse they have mental issues because of biomum is a copout

tog redux's picture

He seems to be using the kids to make you feel guilty - telling you they want you to come over. And why would he tell them you are worried about being an "evil stepmother", that seems an odd thing to confide in two teenagers.

Personally, I think you should be less concerned about being an evil stepmother (you don't seem headed that way), and more concerned about the red flags you see about his parenting (one of which, to me, is oversharing YOUR feelings with his kids as if they are adults).

My SS20 and I got on great when we first met (still do,really, except that I have no use for him anymore after years of BM damage) and he also loved my dog. She loved him, too. But none of that protected us from crazy BM - and my DH was a good parent, he didn't lavish SS with attention and act like his slave. But not even that protected us from having to deal with BM and the fallout of her behavior on SS.

Anyway, what I'm saying is - heed your red flags and stop second-guessing yourself because your BF makes you feel guilty and the skids are relatively pleasant.  Your intuition is spot on.

Merrigan's picture

That's a good point. He tells his kids everything I've told him about my concerns. I think he's even told them that I'm on anxiety medication (SD16 is on the same prescription), and that my younger sister has had mental heath issues.  He thinks she and I can relate to one another because I grew up with sisters (we were all teenage hellions). 

tog redux's picture

Oh no - that's not okay AT ALL. They aren't adults, they are kids. They don't need to know any of the concerns you have and certainly not about mental health issues that you and your sister struggle with.

That's really poor boundaries, I'd be furious at DH if he had told SS anything about me like that. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

You're putting too much pressure on yourself.  I agree, sure, your SO should NOT be telling the kids your struggles.  BUt don't worry about the role model thing, you can't fix the fact they have a psychotic mother.  She's still going to be there, but what you CAN fix is the pressure you put on you. Just be yourself, from the sounds of it, you love outdoorsy stuff, so share that with them, but don't expect them to be all over it, if they enjoy it awesome, if not, well that's fine. Same thing goes for anything else.

Live for you and not for them.  Smile

LivMommy's picture

I was in your position 3 years ago, but with younger kids. I would tread carefully. I thought I would be the perfect stepmom and I ended up being the family doormat. You seem really sweet and I'd hate to see you taken advantage of 

BethAnne's picture

I am sure you are a nice person and don't need to adapt to be a good role model. Remember that these girls have plenty of female figures in their lives who can also be role models from their favorate youtuber and pop stars to teachers, aunts, sports coaches and neighbors. It is rare that we have just one role model in our lives, usually we have many who all teach us different aspects of life. You do not need to be perfect, just be you. 

As for this relationship, if you get panic attacks around one of his daughter's then I would consider if this is the right relationship for you long term. Your health is important. I know you mentioned waiting until his girls leave home, but do you really want to wait that long? I am pretty certain you can find another relationship in the next 5-6 years that will not involve regular panic attacks or just enjoy the heck out of being single without these stresses. 

This man shows that he does not have appropriate boundaries with his kids. He should not share personal details with them without your permission. He should not cater to their every need, he should be assisting them to become independent women. He should not be guilt tripping you into visiting, but working with you to find ways to make you more comfortable on your visits.