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Make or Break?

Meqa's picture

I don't know if anyone else feels like this, but I don't have children, and my partner has a daughter whom he adores and misses and wishes she lived with us. She has been brought up very differently to the way I would bring up my kids and as such behaves in ways I find impossible to ignore, even though my partner feels she is perfection, and in my opinion behaves more like a friend or a big-brother than a dad when she is with us, playing and looking after but not really parenting. I try to work on manners, habits and skills, but end up feeling like the wicked witch of the west. My heart races when she is around because it's all 'daddy' this and 'daddy' that - hugs and cuddles and sunday morning snuggles in bed and it's all te two of them and ha nothing to do with me. I don't feel anything for her but annoyance, frustration and resentment that every second weekend my life revolves around her, that my partner has to pay a significant amount of money each week for her child support, that is her mother has another child, my partner (and I) will have to fork iut even more money....meaning it is more dfficult for us to afford to have a child if that ever happens. My partner wants to have her live with him half the time as soon as possible and I feel that would be a disaster for all parties and a nightmare for me personally - which is really forcing our relationship into that make or break place right now. I'm not sure how to change this feeling - I love my partner but I feel like I can't live with this for the rest of my life. When we started seeig each other he used to see his daughter once a month or so and we didn't live together so I could do my own thing. He used to let her stay up till midnght, watch DVDs non-stop the whole time she was with him and she slept in his bed with a nappy on. If I hadn't come into the picture things would still be the same way. But now we make her eat dinner at the table with a knife and fork (not on the sofa with her spoon) and have a bath, brush her teeth etc.. before bed, then sh gets a story. Even though she is only just 5, we're lucky if she's in bed before 8:30 or 9 and my partner always without fail lies down next to her and falls asleep with her....leaving me downstairs waiting until I go up and wake him, he falls asleep again often and at times I have gone to bed alone, my heart pounding and just feeling like it isn't good for her to have him lie next to her - she needs to go to sleep on her own now - she's a big girl! He doesn't seeanything wrong with it and thinks I'm being nasty. She still wears a nappy and wets it every time she stays - I don't know what she does at home - but toilet training has never been discussed and any time I bring up the subject the tension in the air could be cut with a knife. Am I a bitch from hell?? Is it normal for fathers to behave this way and make it all about the child every time they are around? Is it good parenting? I think there is a big difference between parenting and 'hanging out with' a child. Any suggestios or feedback?


lostinspace75's picture

I would run from this kind of treatment :O - if somebody would totally ignore me or let me suffer for the sake of his guiltparenting, I'm gone even if would tear my heart out. Never, ever would I sleep one single night in my bed or put second in a relationship because of somebody elses child or even mine (unless it is sick).

I totally understand your panic - when she is there half the time, you life is very likey to become hell even more. I would confront him with your thoughts and fear - you should then have enough facts of any kind of decision...depending on his reaction and understanding.

Sounds hard, but he ist treating you very hurtful...his responsibilities does not only include his kid, also YOURSELF, the partner he has CHOSEN.

My partner knows very well were I stand as I have put my foot down on his guiltparenting, and now it works very well. The moment his son comes into our house its to MY rules also, I live here too. I like his boy a lot, and he will have always a place with us - but not above me or us, he can team up next to us.

I could never handle or love a man who does not treat me as a priority, and doesn't share the same idea of partner first, kids (even our own!) come second.

My 2 cents...

stepkate's picture

"I feel like I can't live with this for the rest of my life."

It sounds like if things don't change, you know what you have to do. Let him know your feelings and if he can't handle it...move on.

Pantera's picture

I think she answered herself. If she already doesn't feel like she can't live like this for the rest of her life, she should get out.

Bettina's picture

I have been with my DH for almost 5 Years now and I can tell you it only gets worse. My DH is now 9 and he treats her like she is the spouse when she is with us. I finally had to tell him to stop going in and helping her change for bed, stop helping her shower, stop dressing her. I asked him flat out if when she started her period was he going to change her tampon as well. These guilty daddies are very hurtfull as husbands and unless you are ready to completely disengage from them at some point your life will be HELL