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Every second weekend

Fed_up _mum's picture

So I'm new to this blog and decided to register because I've been feeling  fed up and alone. My partner and I have an 8 month old daughter together and he has a 10 year old  daughter  from his previous marriage ,we are unmarried.

His daughter  comes over every alternate weekend. And it basically makes me want to pull my hair out. His child has no respect at all, is passive aggressive,  always questions me about my baby for example: did she eat or did you change her nappy. I dont feel comfortable letting her hold my baby or being around her without my supervision as I dont trust her , because I see how bossy and nasty she is to her cousins.

This weekend she is here and tonight  baby  was saying mum she then starts saying  dad repetitively to baby which made me very upset. So I told her she knows how to say dad you can stop that she says mum because  I'm with her most of the time and it's not a bad thing.

I've tried to address her bad behavior with her dad he then becomes defensive . He says that it seems as though I dont want him to see his child. Another time he told me that he hates have to defend his child all the time.

I cant stand her bad behavior. She interjects when adults are talking. She sleeps in our bed because  she's scared of the dark , it's so inappropriate. What upsets most is I need to nag him to buy anything for baby but when it comes to her he buys these expensive baby dolls. I mean she's ten and plays with dolls but wants to participate  in adult conversations. 

What do I do!



Rumplestiltskin's picture

If it were me (and it isn't, so take that with a grain of salt), i would explain to him that it's not that you don't want him to see her, but her behavior is inappropriate and the fact that he doesn't correct it, which you believe is his job as a parent, makes her unpleasant for you to be around. To start:

a) Immediately put an end to her sleeping in your bed. No wonder you resent her. She is 10. Jesus. I would also make a no kids in the bed rule, so you can't be accused of being unfair.

b) Tell your SO that you and he seem to have different ideas about what is appropriate behavior. Tell him the specific things that bother you. Since it is your house too and you have a child together, try to come up with "house rules" for kid behavior, which will apply to the baby when they are older, too. If he won't enforce them, i would correct her yourself. I don't see how you can disengage when you have a child with him. You should not be forced to be treated badly by a 10-year-old. 

Fed_up _mum's picture

Thank you  i will try  what you have suggested...side note we have been staying at my mums house  since lockdown so my entire family  is fed up the disrespect goes beyond just me.

Did i mention she also talks none stop

SeeYouNever's picture

Omg cosleeping with stepkids is the worst. As soon as SD tried to get in our bed I'd leave. Lucky for me my DH realized that me going to the couch was the nuclear option and he'd put SD back in her bed. 

My SD touching my baby makes me skin crawl as well. I wish my daughter didn't have a half sister. I know when they grow up they won't have much of a relationship, and I just hope my daughter isn't hurt by the rejection. 

I'm jealous yours says mum! My baby is 9.5 months and will say "Dad" quite clearly but not mom... 

Fed_up _mum's picture

I feel the exact way you do regarding the baby having a half sibling  my fear is this bad behaviour  rubs off on my daughter. 

Oh also another horrible thing is when i bath baby she wants to be involved and i know  it sounds  bad but i hate it because her hygiene is very poor ...she touches all my child's toys then i have to sterilise everything. 

Survivingstephell's picture

As a mom to an ours baby with 7 half siblings, I will tell you that you need to make it clear to daddy dearest that if he wants his girls to have a relationship then  it's up to him to make that happen and that happens when he parents the oldest to be pleasant to be around, acts her age and participates as a member of the family.  The younger one will watch her older sibling and expect the same. If he spoils one and not the other there will be hate sowed in both their hearts.  

Fed_up _mum's picture

Thats a concern to me as well and he denies spoiling her. I have seen my SO buy his daughter extremely expensive  gifts and make seem like a crazy jealous person for bringing it up...he and the ex spoil her rotten do her school work for her ...and her marks arent good and this chils sits on tik tok and the xbox the whole day.

lieutenant_dad's picture

"No SO, it's not that I don't want you to see her, it's that I NEED YOU to PARENT her, and YOU don't do that. YOUR inability to parent makes it difficult for ANYONE to be around her. And, don't think I don't notice that YOU treat YOUR CHILDREN unfairly and leave it to me to care for OUR baby. So get YOUR head out of your ase and be a PARENT to BOTH your kids so that your older one is pleasant to have around and your youngest doesn't resent you."

Always link it back to his failures, and when he says "you just think I'm a crap dad", you say "yes, I do, so do better."

Seriously, if you want change, hold his feet to the fire. He's a bad dad. Tell him that.

Chi123's picture

I know how u feel about skid touching baby, I have a baby around same age as yours. I dont want skids near mine and I NEVER leave them alone I do not trust them. They used to insist alot to hold baby while walking and I refused everytime . They got very mad and thought that asking my husband would tell them yes but he backed me up too and said no.  Important thing is to ben on same page with DH, speak to him that you understand  its his child etc but that she needs boundaries. For the bed issue, ask him if he'd  be fine if your infant slept  with  you guys and why not? Also he is not being fair that he isn buying toys and going all out for his kid but not for the one he has at home, he is basically doing it out of guilt. I would demand that he starts to be equal with his kid and yours 

Winterglow's picture

Next time she butts in on a conversation say "the grown ups are talking, dear, you can talk when it's your turn" just like youwould if it were any other kid. If he objects, tell him to teach her manners then.