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Ready to rip my hair out!!

TSD's picture

I will make a very long story short!! I have recently married a wonderful man 11 months ago who unfortunatley has a 10 year old daughter that behaves like she is 3.

She still wears nappies to bed and speaks to her father like she is 3.
Her mother hates the fact that my husband and I are together and knows she can never win him back. She stole money and lied and to my husband for 14 years and wonders why he moved on. They were also never married so it hurt more that we got hitched.

SD has warmed to me over the last couple of years but always has her days!! The last couple of months have been almost unbearable. She has started stealing from me and strange things like pillow cases for example. She has also resorted to tipping my shampoo, conditioner and face cream down the sink. She of course denies any of it and it instantly causes arguments with my husband. He said he knows she did it but we have no proof!! Thank the lord we only have her every second weekend. There are so many more stories I could write but I think I have said enough for now.

Unless you are spending money on this child or encouraging the 3 year old behaviour she isnt interested. She is spoilt rotten by her mother and the mother also seems to encourage the immature rubbish.

Has anyone been in this situation where you know you will never win and you already know the mother has poisoned the child against you AND the father thinks she is an angel. This is really taking its toll on my short lived marriage and I am worried the bitter ex's plan may just work.....

Monchichi's picture

You need to take a step back and let things go that you normally wouldn't. Pick your battles carefully and don't put the child down to your husband. In time they show their true colours and the more gracious you are about it, the better for you. The more I pushed my husband to see and deal with his son, the worse my relationship went. As soon as I stepped back and only focused on the very serious stuff life became easier for me.

ldvilen's picture

Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = Step Hell. Right now you and your DH have the child EOWE, and it appears that there are some behavioral issues going on with this child. A 10 YO wearing nappies (diapers) is not typical. My first question is, has the child been diagnosed with anything medical or behavioral? Or, does this not matter to either parent? The mother may indeed be PAS'ing the child, but the child could also have some genuine medical/behavioral disorders that need to be addressed.

Let's assume from your post, both BM and bio-dad have their head in the sand. What you have here are two parents, neither of whom is parenting or parenting very poorly. Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon situation for step-parents to find themselves in--having to deal with two crapola parents, one of whom is her own spouse. Yes, you are not the mother, but this child is coming to your and your DH's home and regardless you have to deal with the consequences of their extremely poor parenting.

This is where you have to decide what you can tolerate and what works for YOU. EOWE may be tolerable. I don't know, tho., I cannot speak for you. Make sure you are gone for a huge chunk of one of the days, perhaps. Give dad and child time together alone, put shampoo bottles up where they cannot be reached, put your jewelry away, and so on. The bottom line is, you cannot change either of these parents, neither of whom is really parenting. And, if you want to remain married to your DH, you have to do what works for you, because as a SM, no matter what you do or how well-intentioned you may be, there will be someone right there every time trying to tell you it is wrong.

You also need to be aware that your husband is showing to you what will probably wind up being a life-long pattern. He is not disciplining his child, he is making asinine excuses, he is setting up the relationship between you and this child as a competition, even tho. you are his wife and his child is his child and there should be no competition. I have to also question or assume that he panders to BM as well? A lot of divorced dads get caught up in this where they cater to their SKs and BM, and the wife is just supposed to suck it up and take it (and this is almost what society as a whole seems to expect as well). This is probably more what you are reacting to vs. the child's behavior.

This is why you have to decide what works for you! Maybe EOWE is tolerable, but what if you and DH have children together in the future? Will DH suddenly turn into a model dad then? These are all questions that I'm sure are coming up for you. What if EOWE turns into every other day, for example? DH and BM are parents. But, you and your DH are married and this is your and your DH's home. Being a SP is not easy, by any means. You have the right to your marriage to DH and the right to set rules in your own home, but most will think you are supposed to lay down and be a doormat for what amounts to someone else's @#%@# parenting.

Decide what works for you and go with it. You may want to see a counselor for yourself too, to work through some of this. But, make sure you find a good counselor--one who knows that you matter too and not just DH, BM and their child. Yes, even some counselors expect SM to suck it up and take it. Take care. This is not an easy dilemma at all, but unfortunately it is one that many a SM finds themselves in.

TSD's picture

Thank you for responding. I have only just realised a year latter i have reposnses!! You have been spot on with what you have said!! 

hereiam's picture

Why is your husband letting her act like a 3 year old?

He won't discipline her for something he knows she is doing?

I wouldn't have married him.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Oh, yes. I live that. BioHo is furious beyond words that I am everything she is not. She went from alienating her own children to 'buying' their love with gifts. It worked with the girls, but not the boys. Anyhoo...

Keep your shampoo, conditioner and face cream locked up when she comes over. Simply put everything in a small bag that you keep in the top of your bedroom/bathroom closet or anywhere else SD cannot reach. If SD believes you are using the same shampoo as your DH and starts pouring THAT down the drain, maybe he'll finally step up and parent.

Cover1W's picture

Yes.

Lock up your things.
There was a time (when SDs were 8 & 10) where my makeup was being destroyed or disappeared. DH didn't think it was a big deal and refused to do anything about it with the SDs.

So I put a lock on it. Magically it stopped.
But be aware the issue may not disappear. I have locks on my cupboards in the laundry room (because again, things disappeared that I needed - and DH refused to believe the SDs did anything at all...again, missing items magically stopped going missing).

I do not, or try very very hard, not to accuse SDs in front of DH.
He will NEVER EVER (they are 11 and 13 now) think they have done anything wrong.

I pick my battles, I have learned to ignore things, and disengaged over most everything but a short list of my "cannot ignore" items.

blayze's picture

You fell in love and married a blind man with an un-parented daughter. It will not get better.

I was nearly in that situation but refused to marry the "wonderful man" because I like having a life that doesn't suck. He and his TWO daughters were not worth the misery...even though everything was great when it was just the two of us and his daughters were with their bitter mother who he never married. Sound familiar?

Unfortunately, you will not have a peaceful life (nor a happy marriage) until you get rid of him. I have decided to tell every woman I can just how 'not worth it' it is to date a man with daughters.

If you stay with him through her teen years, you will want to rip out your hair, your eyeballs and your fingernails. Again, it's not worth it. Chalk it up as a loss now.

This has been a PSA, darlin'... the more you know. Wink