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I dont want this

Megans0988's picture

I got married last October to a man who was 21 years older than me thru all his faults and that fact that neither of our families got along. So me who is 29 now is so sick of his adult children one 31 and 25, he picks them over me all the time he doesnt anwser my messages. Told me so we are going our separate ways this year for the holiday, I'm so sick of it I try to be nice but they have been so disrespectful and the 25 year old lives with us with my 8 year old son and my husband thinks his son should be treated the same. Now 25 years old is a grown man he has a job, has a room in which he doesnt sleep in and should be my sons. My husband ignores me all the time when I talk to him its like I didnt speak at all, I want to leave him but I have already left him once I just want to make the right choice.


DaizyDuke's picture

This is kind of hard to read.

So your husbands son lives with you but doesn't sleep at your house? Where does he sleep? Why is he living there if he has a job? when you say the 8 year old and 25 year old should be "treated the same" what do you mean by that? They should both have chores? they should both pick up after themselves? They should both have 1 a.m. curfews?

If you left him once, why did you go back?

Megans0988's picture

I went back cause I thought I missed him. The 25 year old lives with his mom, but my husband treats him like he is my sons age. It's very frustrating. His son should pick up after himself like my son does he is an adult and he lives at his moms but left most his stuff here which we do not have the room for.

witch.hazel's picture

Yep, do what you seem to know you should, and leave him. It will be a miserable future for you if you stay. I don't know you, so I don't know what you see in him, but the way he treats you in regard to his children is terrible. And also this- he is about 50 right now, and that's still sexy, but when you are 50, you'll be in bed with a 71 year old.

Not to be a b*tch, but I've been in an age difference relationship which lasted 12 years. At the beginning, I was young, and he was a "silver fox". At the end, I was still relatively young, but he was an old fart. They aren't interested in the same things, they're all "been there, done that" when it comes to your small child, and never want to participate in anything to have a family experience.

I've done it, and talked to many others who have. They are interested in what you can do to make their lives easier and better, but are very stingy (with time, affection, money, etc) when it comes to doing for you.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

That sounds AWFUL. If you want to leave and hate this way of life then do it! Especially since it looks like it'd be better for your son too! I'm all for toughing stuff out, I mean marriages aren't perfect, but that seems so excessive! Once the kids are grown you really should be top priority and the marriage should come first anyways as long as it's not hurting the kids... Good luck and keep us updated!

Aniki's picture

It sounds like you've already made your choice but want confirmation.

What are you getting out of this relationship??

* he picks them over me all the time he doesnt anwser my messages
* My husband ignores me all the time when I talk to him its like I didnt speak at all

That right there speaks volumes. Your husband is more concerned with his relationship with his children than his relationship with his wife.

And he thinks his 25yo son should be treated like an 8yo??? Weird.

Why did you go back after you left the first time?

ESMOD's picture

It honestly sounds like you had a lot of reasons to not move forward to marriage with this man. Why did you?

Were the issues with his children not present? Was his son not living with you?

I have counseled my SD's to be very cautious about being in a relationship where the families don't like you. It is hard enough for two people to stay together without constant input from friends and family that there should be a split.

At this point, do you think that perhaps the faults and the prospect of being in a relationship with someone who is likely to reach physical and mental disabilities much faster than you means this was something that really isn't the best situation?

Megans0988's picture

I mean I guess I was naive to think things would change with his kids, I didn't think he was a doormat for them. His son lived at college so I didn't really know much about him and the daughter has always been a **tch to me and told me on my wedding day that she's jealous she's been the only women in her dads life.

twoviewpoints's picture

" I want to leave him but I have already left him once I just want to make the right choice."

You're unhappy. You dislike the living situation. Your DH has made it clear you do your thing , he'll do his. I'm not sure what you thought would magically change and everything would become wonderful just because you said 'I do' , but obviously it didn't happen.

So yeah, I didn't read anything positive in your post, so if you want to leave do so. Why stick around? Go find peace and happiness for yourself and your young child.

If you aren't going to put yourself first, don't expect anybody else to.

StepX2's picture

What caught my attention most in your post is this sentence:
"Now 25 years old is a grown man he has a job, has a room in which he doesnt sleep in and should be my sons."

Where is your 8 year old sleeping?

Megans0988's picture

He sleeps in a bed with a room divider not his own room in the family room so he should get the 25 year olds room.

Curious Georgetta's picture

You have been married for slightly more than a year and you have left once already. Neither of your families like each other . you do not seem overly fond of him, and he seems not overly intrusive in your life. He is willing to let you go your separate way for the holidays.

If you are unhappy, why are you still there? Did you expect him to kick his son out so that your son could have a room! Did he make that kind of agreement prior to marrying you.

This man's children are grown. He is probably not interested in reliving young children days and young children drama.

You on the other hand are not even midway through the young child/children experiences.

You sound like two people at 2 different life stages. Sometimes things just don' t mesh. Move on and look for someone who wants what you want and maybe willing to do young family life. Your guy does not sound like that person.

Megans0988's picture

No he sleeps on a bed with a room divider I just want him to have his own room and why shouldn't he if the grown one isn't even there

Acratopotes's picture

end it, youa re wasting your youth on an old man... 10 years from now you will have to play nurse to him... what the hell where you thinking woman.

ESMOD's picture

Reading through the responses.. I see that a lot of the issues are rooted in your mistaken assumptions that something would "change" once you got married.

Once you got married you thought.

1. He would prioritize YOU over his kids
2. His kids would respect you as their father's wife
3. That your son would be given preference in your home

Obviously, NONE of that has happened and in all honesty, I bet your husband didn't promise that they would.

I have seen many people be in shaky relationships and then get married in the hopes of.. I don't know.. that somehow things will improve under the legal bounds of that marriage.
Unfortunately, things are more often going to go in the opposite direction. Now your DH has even LESS incentive to woo you and make you happy.. I mean, you married him "as he was".. so why are you wanting him to change NOW? That's his point of view.

Also, as women, we have a bad habit of sometimes being less than direct about stuff. The assumption that your son would get his son's room was probably not promised to you, but maybe you assumed he would make room in his home for you both.

Honestly though, that room issue is just a symptom of the huge divide between what you want out of life and what he is willing to do.

I am not sure what I would see in someone so much older than me other than financial security. If that is your bargain with the devil... then I guess you will have to get used to this treatment because apparently it is the price you are going to pay for it. But, if the man is seeking youth, don't be surprised if he trades you in after 10 years and you are back on the market having spent your currency/youth up on a man who didn't respect you enough to stand up to horrible treatment by his kids. (and by him)

hereiam's picture

If this is not the life you want (it's certainly not a life that I would want), then leave.

The next time you think that you "miss" him, remember how he treats you and that it wasn't necessarily him that you missed, you just missed being with somebody. It may not always be fun being alone but it's better than this, and you will not meet someone better matched for you, while you are with this guy.

I mean, you might but that would not be the ideal situation, would it? To meet the right guy for you and you are still saddled with this guy? And maybe his health will start failing, then you will feel guilty for wanting to leave so will stay with him, even though you really don't want to.

Is this the environment you want your son growing up in?