TRYING TO START OVER

this is my first marriage and i want it also to be the only one. i know that their are a lot of wiser and older women in this site. so im just seeking advice for my situation. well my husband and i are back on talking terms again. about a week ago we were about to get a divorce over his 7 year old daughter. i tried talking to him about our situation he did not want to here what i was saying. he basically told me he wanted a divorce, to which i told him no, he kept on pressing the issue unitl i got tierd and told him i would give him the divorce because it seems like he dosent care about my feeling or the feeling of our baby. after having given into the divorce he decieded that he want us to work out things between us and the kids. i told him ok. since then, that was yesterday the kids are here and everthing seems to be ok for now. but i am still not ok, because me and dh still have not sit down and talk about how this all affects me. i woke up this morning to a dirty kitchen which i have clean the night before, and the other bathroom which his kids are using was dirty. i cleaned the kitchen but while i was cleaning it i was so mad that i did not say anything to him or his kids which he said was the problem he was having with me. i yelled at him and told him that its not fair that i have to be the only one cleaning up behind kids. his kids are 7 and 14 and sd 7 will be 8 on the 12th of this month. i told him we have to set some rules because those kids are old enough to clean up after themselves, i am not a slave. he told me to go ahead and make my rules i will, but i am still mad and resentful of his kids because of what he has allowed in the pass. i dont know if i am wrong for still carrying this with me when i know we are trying to start over. Im 26 dh is 32 we've been married for a year and six months.

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My only advice, buy the book!

Stepmonster. It'll give you a whole new insight. BUY THE BOOK!

Welcome, and I hope you'll find a home here at ST as alot of us have. You are taking the first step just by being here.

~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~

i agree

I bought this book and tried to read it myself but found it only made me more bitter and angry about the ridiculousness of stepmothering a pre-teen or teen. HOWEVER, my husband has been reading it and it has helped him ENORMOUSLY to understand where I'm coming from. Great book for others to read I just wasn't successful in reading it myself:)

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

I'm sure this isn't the only issue but

in relation to the kitchen I had the same issue with this about 6 months or so ago. The wise women on this site gave me the advise if I can stand to live in a dirty house for a week or two then don't do any cleaning up.
You are right your skids are old enough to clean up after themselves. This worked wonders for me, you see my BF and SS didn't like it when there were no dishes left for them to eat or cook with. Or when BF nearly slipped in the kitchen cause SS spilled sugar on the floor and didn't clean it up. Now they all clean up after themselves, it's not a clean as I would like but still a big step in the right direction.

Make your list of rules and punishments ASAP and make sure it's in a place where everyone in the family can see. But for this to work your husband needs to have your back and support you on this otherwise sorry to say but it will be a dead in.

JMHO.

MarthaGender

I once heard a saying that has stuck with me... Sometimes marriages don't break up over the really BIG things. Sometimes marriages break up over toothpaste in the sink!!

The reality is that your anger over the cleaning in the kitchen is probably only mildly in part due to the mess in the kitchen. The bigger problem is what you need to find out and address.

Do you feel that he doesn't respect you enough? That's he's taking advantage of you? That his children are running your lives? If you can.. please dig deep and look past the superficial "oh the kitchen is a mess" and try to find the real root of the problem.

Also, I would strongly suggest counseling for you and DH. You sound like my DH where he gets a little aggravated here and there, and then all of a sudden BLOWS UP at me and starts yelling. Me? I'm the kind that lets him know right away when he's doing something that bugs me. We've both had to make adjustments in our anger styles. He is much better now at letting me know right away when I say or do something that might build up in him. And I have learned that I DON'T need to let him know every little bitty thing that is ticking me off at the moment!!

Please get you and DH some counseling. And please do some serious soul searching - not just about your marriage, but about your own EXPECTATIONS of what your marriage would be.

Good luck!!

our therapist told us

You have to be clear about what kind of love makes you happy. I may be wrong and she may be wrong but it makes sense that things the skids do shouldn't ruin our marriage IF we are being loved the way we need to be loved.

If your husband is loving you in a way that makes you feel safe,secure, and valued then the skids could burn down your house and you would still have a happy marriage with your husband. You'd be crushed at such a loss but you and your husband would still stand strong and TOGETHER. If your husband isn't loving you in a way that makes you feel safe,secure, and valued then even things like a dirty kitchen will pave the path of your marriage with land mines ready to explode. Search yourself and figure out what YOU need to feel safe and loved and I bet you'll find the skids have nothing to do with what you need. Good luck it's easier said than done...I'm struggling with it myself right now!