After the last set of issues and concerns, and things that had been building up, my DH and I had a lot of long conversations and agreed to a lot of good positive things - about how we relate to eachother and how we handle the kids. We even talked about how his "guilt parenting" was bad for SD15 and SD13. We both took steps to work on what we each needed to work on - and most of it centers around SD15. Things have been going well for a week or two...for the most part with the other three kids BD16, BS12, and SD13 have all been normal and things are normal (normal=typical kid stuff) with each of them. However SD15 does not like being under anyone's control unless it means that she can do whatever she pleases and be a totally lazy bum and treat me like crap and ignore all of the house rules. SO DH has been putting more rules on her and she does not like it! DH has also demanded that she respect me and she does not like that either. SO, after putting up with more than enough crap from her, I'm tired of wearing my "happy face" and ignoring it and just keeping on doing kind things for her.

So, this morning, I walk into the kitchen, where SD15 is standing with a trashy smug lazy look (you'd have to see this to understand). She's about to walk out the door for the bus and looks like she just woke up. She's wearing sweats, ratty hair, no makeup... Mind you, this is the most self-involved person I've ever met! Her entire FB page is pictures she's taken of herself! She keeps a straightener with her at all times and has totally fried her hair from over use. She keeps makeup with her at all times in case there's a boy nearby. But, she's lazy as heck, so I guess that comes before her vanity... Anyway, she's been told that sweats are not ok for school - but DH keeps ignoring it. They are against code and they look lazy. DH doesn't want her to continue being lazy in life (sleeping in class, not caring about anything...), but doesn't seem to care that when you dress lazy you act lazy... So I'm the one to say something to her. (B/c, I'm tired of being a silent parent and having house rules and school rules ignored and being treated like crap). He doesn't say a word to me. After she's left for school (wearing the sweats), DH and I are in the bedroom finishing getting ready for work and he says that when I say things like that to her I'm not really endearing myself to her!!! WTF!?!?! I've spent a few years doing nothing but try to endear her to me and she still hates the fact that I breathe air near her! The only exception is the very moment my purse is open and I'm buying her things! He doesn't want her to be a lazy sloppy bum, but he doesn't want to do anything about it other than yell at her when she behaves like a lazy sloppy bum! Ugh!

So the whole way to work (we ride together), I tell him these things and beg him to help. He is about to deploy in a few months and we've known about it for a while, but he's not doing anything, things actually seem to be getting worse, and the date is just getting closer and closer. I've told him that he's not going to leave me here to deal with it - it needs to be worked on before he leaves. But it seems that he doesn't really care b/c he gets to walk out the door and only deal with it via emails while he's gone. Either that, or he's just as lost as I am and doesn't have a clue. Either way, it's bad b/c SD15 is the only source of tension between us and nothing is being done to fix that.

I'm thinking of saying that SD15 will be shipped off to stay with his parents many many hours away and start the next school year there, but they care even less about her and just let her be a lazy sloppy piece of trash. And when she gets back from their house, she's 10x's worse...so that's really not a good idea. And their bio-mom left entirely several years ago, so that's not an option either.

DH wants to be a good dad, and he says that SD15 needs to have a relationship with me b/c she's never had a mom figure, but when SD15 starts complaining or getting mad at him, DH backs off and wants me to back off too. I've begged for counseling, but he won't be involved in that. I'd really love it if he would let me lay down the law for her and back me up and just know she's going to be mad at him but that it's for her own good. I'm willing to be the bad guy if it will make her a better person in the long run...but DH doesn't seem willing/able to see that.