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The cycle won't stop!!!!! SD15 is jerk, DH is a guilt daddy...and I am dizzy!

manicmom's picture

Submitted by manicmom on Wed, 06/01/2011 - 9:00am

SD15 is so horrible that DH has even said that if she wasn't his kid he wouldn't like her. But for some reason he expects me to?? I've done all that I can think of to build a relationship with this kid! I've let her do things that she wants and convinced DH of it for her, offered to buy her things and clothes, given her "girl" advice, gotten her cute hair cuts that she picked out, taken her to do things her dad never thought to do...and put more effort in to her than any of the other three kids! All the while she's cruel, disrespectful, and takes every nice thing and stabs me in the back. Well, I'm fed up. Lately I've been very unhappy with her slutty clothes and her cruel words and bad attitude and laziness - so I corrected her appropriately by enforcing the rules of the house - I had her bring me the shorts I caught her wearing. DH got mad at ME!!! WHAT!?! Then at the same time he also yelled at her worse than I ever thought to! But I'm the one who was wrong?? We agreed that we each can and should punish any child who isn't abiding by rules we agreed to...I guess SD15 is the one exception?? DD17 DS12 and SD13 have two adults in the house to guide them, but this SD15 can do as she pleases?? Obviously, she's the one who lies and runs away and is disrespectful and makes dumb choices and advertises herself like she's totally for sale...so she's the one who needs to be "off limits". That makes total sense! He agress that she's a brat, he knows she needs to change, but he won't let me help. He tells me to be an adult and make it work, but he isn't being a dad and making her behave. I'm doing all I can and all I know to do to be nice, but she keeps taking my niceness and running me over with it and I'm sick of being hurt and feel trapped between SD15's disrespect and DH's lack of understanding of this situation. Even though we talk and discuss and fuss and fight about this and at times it seems we come to an understanding, he just doesn't seem to get how difficult this is! I hate this teenager and I hate what she's doing to my marriage! I'm so tired of this cycle!

Comments

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Wed, 06/01/2011 - 9:16am

Do you have an ejection button you can press?

I have a one word solution for you:

BAIL!

manicmom's picture

Submitted by manicmom on Wed, 06/01/2011 - 9:22am

There's no exit door for me Auteur. Leaving is the easy way out, and I made a commitment to DH. I'm stubborn like that...
There's a way though - there has to be a way... Disengaging also isn't possible b/c of the havoc it wreaks in the family when SD15 acts up and how much she drains me emotionally when she's not in check, so leaving and disengaging are not plausable. If anyone has any other suggestions, I'd love to hear!

manicmom's picture

Submitted by manicmom on Wed, 06/01/2011 - 11:42am

LOL!!!
Her dad has actually popped her before for being a little jerk...he just needs to do it more often. Sad thing is that she doesn't have anywhere else to go. Her mom left a while back and there has been no word since. She's likely drugged up somewhere.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Wed, 06/01/2011 - 9:09pm

It sounds like YOU are the mom here, since her mom is no where to be found. So, in order to get this working, your DH is going to have to stand with you on this. He can't pick and choose what you are going to do. You aren't going to disengage. You are going to have to push him hard to get him united with you on this.

If he does not, you will continue the cycle and get no where. Eventually you will burn out.

I wish I had some advice on getting him on the same page as you. Tell him, yell at him, I don't know???? Every time she does something and its in the moment, point out when he is contradicting you.

My guess is that you have already done all this and are now at your wits end. What do you think would happen if you told DH look I'm giving this one to you, you handle it and you deal with the consequences because when I do, you yell at me or contradict me. So, I can't help if you won't let me.

manicmom's picture

Submitted by manicmom on Thu, 06/02/2011 - 1:09pm

DH has handled situations before, for example: We discussed how short her shorts were. I got a daily devotional email one day about morality and purity of daughters and how they dress, so I typed something sweet up for her and printed out a copy of the email to go along with it for her to read. He gave it to her and then talked to her about it and then took all of her shorts that were too short (showed her butt cheeks!). Good. Very good. However, we had a discussion afterwards about what exactly is too short so there's no confusion. We agreed that "fingertips" was the line. We told the girls and they all have been abligding. SD15 was the last to be told of this specific rule, and when she was told, she was wearing a pair of shorts that were too short. They were longer than the ones that had already been taken away, but still much shorter than fingertips. He had neglected to tell her the rules, so I told her in front of him. She made some rude smart comments and then stormed out and said she'd go change into sweats. After she left the room, he said "I don't think those were too short. They are fine to wear around the house." To which, I said "We agreed to the rules and I'm pretty tired of all of the exceptions just for her. They are too short. Period. And if she wants to be a jerk and act like that, that's on her. I'm tired of her attitude being a point of contention between us. The rules that we agree to are the rules." He said nothing back... That's unusual, but I think he understood that I was right. Sometimes, he'll argue with me and fuss for me to be nicer to her... "Nice" is defined as not making her follow the rules.

So...all that to say that I guess I could let him handle it, but he wouldn't and if he did, there would be no consequences. He's not really one to want to make her upset and do the tough parenting that she needs and responds to over time.

I am VERY much at wit's end b/c it's HIM who needs to start parenting and stop alienating and it's impossible to make him do that b/c then he would be wrong...he would be to blame that she's such a jerk...But the issues lie with DH and SD15, b/c SD13 is pretty well adjusted and we are close and I can treat her like my own kid and he doesn't intervene and it's a very normal relationship with DH and my kids too b/c of that. So he KNOWS how to do it correctly, but with SD15, he just doesn't. (Insert loud scream)

And yes, I've tried it all and am at my wit's end...and past...

Oh - and did I mention I've taken her to three stores and offered to buy her anything appropriate that she wanted to replace the inappropriate items that we removed from her posession?? She "didn't like" anything at Old Navy, Target, or any store in the mall...
And Oh again - when he took the shorts from her, he told me that he needed to just take her on a special shopping trip (as if the two that I took her on weren't special) with just the two of them and make her buy something. (#1 - that's her goal, to separate us and have all of his time focused on her "specially" so that would be rewarding her bratty behavior with me in the stores and rewarding her poor clothes choices, and #2 - that's a waste of money b/c she won't wear anything he makes her buy, and I'm tired of us wasting money like that.)
Oh one more time - the clothes she got that were inappopriate were taken from her friends or gotten for her by her grandma who buys her whatever she wants.